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Never Lie About Who You Really Are

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31–40 of 227 posts

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#31
post #15

In the UK I've run into people who use the term `partner' for whomever they are in a non-married exclusive relationship with, regardless of whether they are gay or straight. I don't know how common that is, or how it got started. I wonder whether it will ever catch on in the US?

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

I was in a relationship with my partner for 11 years before we got married. "Girlfriend" doesn't really do it justice.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#32

Okay, how do you do what he's saying _without_ being the guy who bitches about everything and is all up in everyone's business thinking he knows better than everyone how to do their jobs?

You don't. That's why successful executives often seem like jerks[0]. It's very important to question everything and ask "Why don't we do X instead of Y?" 90% of the time there really will be a good reason for Y, but that other 10% of the time pointing it out will stop a really stupid mistake. Plus, the 90% of the time that you're wrong, you learn something.

If you're really lucky, you're in a company where feedback doesn't seem personal, and everyone can feel free to question everything. If not, then you just have to play the part of the jerk to ensure some level of quality.

[0]: http://bhorowitz.com/2012/10/17/making-yourself-a-ceo/

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#33
post #29
post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's pretty common in the UK these days.

Some people still give you weird glances and awkward pauses when you use it though. In situations where it doesn't matter (and that's most of them) I've stopped correcting people who assume we're married and I've taken my partner's surname. It actually makes things easier. If they assume you're married, they generally have no problem talking to you about whatever they called to talk to your partner about. When they f…

But then it reinforces the belief there there aren't other options. Or rather, it does not show alternatives as more normal than one would assume. I guess that was the point of the article.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#34
post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

such place? planet Earth.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#35
post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

c) There are? Like "Friends with Benefits"?

And beyond. Hope this hotlinked image URL will work: http://oi49.tinypic.com/2pyaow8.jpg

I consider myself decently smart, but I can't figure out the axes on that chart.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#36
post #15

In the UK I've run into people who use the term `partner' for whomever they are in a non-married exclusive relationship with, regardless of whether they are gay or straight. I don't know how common that is, or how it got started. I wonder whether it will ever catch on in the US?

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Actually, that was my first thought when I heard it. My second was to assume that it was a gay relationship. It wasn't.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#37

Okay, how do you do what he's saying _without_ being the guy who bitches about everything and is all up in everyone's business thinking he knows better than everyone how to do their jobs?

In any situation, you don't want to be the lone wolf of honesty. Your company or team needs a culture of honesty. It's simpler than you realize. Have a conversation, make an event out of it. Say, "Look, for this to work, we have to be outspoken and honest. Our success depends on it. It will be uncomfortable at times. It will be frustrating at others. But there's no reason to invest this much, to work this hard, just to stop short of honesty. If you can take a startup, you can take honest feedback. And we should all expect a ton of it."

The TechStars program does this really well. They promise you brutal honesty. They tell you to brace for it. You are guaranteed to be told when your idea sucks. You can see this in practice each week as the teams present their pitches. Because honesty is the expectation, the quietest guy in the room will raise his hand and say, "For the first ten minutes, I had no freaking clue what you were talking about." Ouch! But the permission was there. The guy wasn't a jerk, he was embracing the culture. And you know what? It needed to be said.

In the early days, Rackspace had a saying: "Bad news first, full disclosure, no surprises." More than a slogan, it was permission to be honest. People would say, "It sucks to bring this up, but as we say, bad news first and full disclosure..." Again, amazingly effective.

People want to be honest. And in the end, they want you to be honest, too. There just needs to be permission.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#38
post #8
post #2

Isn't the idea of "coming out" a bit old fashioned now? (Straight people don't "come out")

> (Straight people don't "come out") Well yes they do, it's just that they can do it by bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality. In a large part of the world though, probably most of the world where you can, if you are gay you basically have to explicit come out to your closest friends and relatives to get over whateve…

bringing home the boyfriend/girlfriend to meet the parents or whatever you want to consider normal first steps in expressing your sexuality

Saying that this is "coming out" doesn't make it true.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#39

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

If I were gay, and if I came out once, I wouldn't feel comfortable inventing a wife for the sake of a conversation with a cab driver, every single time.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#40

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.
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