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A Million First Dates

theatlantic.com

51–60 of 150 posts

Re: A Million First Dates

#51
post #43

FWIW, the Portland regulars on /r/OkCupid complain that it's an inversion of the classic pattern everywhere else. Men are apparently in the position of scarcity. NYC OKCers talk about the scourge of "trade ups". Still, living as I do in Perth, this all seems like hearing about the problems of people living on Planet Donuts. Oh, you can't settle down because there are just sooo many choices ? No no, please continue, I…

Weird, from what I've seen male friends who were fairly attractive (over 6 feet tall, blonde) would consistently land with girls that were one to three notches below what they would get "offline." I've attempted to use dating sites on and off several times over the years and barely could get the attention of ugly women. In the end I found it amusing considering the girls I date tend to be models that have appeared in…

Let's pretend I wasn't happily married and the women I dated tended to be models.

Somehow I can't see myself using dating sites on and off several times over the years, trying to get the attention of women I thought were ugly.

Re: A Million First Dates

#52
post #47

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you lack pre-requisites women require. Truth is, there are loads of short guys, ugly guys or otherwise challenged guys that get what they want out of dating, whether it's lots of random sleeping around, or a committed relationship, and everything in between. Please don't talk about giving up on relationships. Online dating might actually not be the best choice f…

No, I'm not. Anybody who's tried in real life as well as online, knows what an impact these factors have, especially height, irritatingly given its arbitrariness in western society.

I spent months trying online, have tried in real life, parties, bars, you name it for years. I am actually pretty good socially. Believe me, this is not for want of trying.

I am not willing to join random clubs to try to meet women, as my prior probability is so low, based on previous experience, that it seems an enormous effort for a tiny probability of success.

What this comes down to is the 'spark' of attraction - women's genetic design means it incorporates certain factors, including those listed above, so if they like you + you don't fulfil the prerequisites you'll end up being their friend, they just 'won't see you that way', etc.

Re: A Million First Dates

#53
post #47

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you lack pre-requisites women require. Truth is, there are loads of short guys, ugly guys or otherwise challenged guys that get what they want out of dating, whether it's lots of random sleeping around, or a committed relationship, and everything in between. Please don't talk about giving up on relationships. Online dating might actually not be the best choice f…

I see where you are coming from but there's only so much confidence/boldness can make up for physical attributes.

You say there are loads of short/ugly/challenged guys who get what they want and yet, what I see on my Facebook/streets of SF/NY are totally different. I've only seen a handful of shorter guys get taller women. Most women prefer taller guys and guys of certain races (interracial stats and surveys definitely show Caucasian guys have a significant advantage over say Asian guys). It's nice to say you can make up for shortcomings but the reality is that it's extremely rare to meet a woman who looks past certain physical attributes that are glamorized in culture.

Re: A Million First Dates

#54
post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you lack pre-requisites women require. Truth is, there are loads of short guys, ugly guys or otherwise challenged guys that get what they want out of dating, whether it's lots of random sleeping around, or a committed relationship, and everything in between. Please don't talk about giving up on relationships. Online dating might actually not be the best choice f…

Great post. Being a short yet confident man is way much more appealing to a woman than to be the 6' average joe.

Citation required? Women might say this, but in my experience it's simply not true. Like the whole 'love yourself so others can love you' line. Which is just B.S. in my experience.

Having said that, I agree confidence makes a huge difference. However, the kind of confidence women like is in my opinion an unpleasant cocky kind. And should I attempt to completely change who I am, become somebody I dislike just to fulfil that? Would that lead to a relationship that would work? I don't even think it's feasible to be honest.

Re: A Million First Dates

#55
post #43

FWIW, the Portland regulars on /r/OkCupid complain that it's an inversion of the classic pattern everywhere else. Men are apparently in the position of scarcity. NYC OKCers talk about the scourge of "trade ups". Still, living as I do in Perth, this all seems like hearing about the problems of people living on Planet Donuts. Oh, you can't settle down because there are just sooo many choices ? No no, please continue, I…

Weird, from what I've seen male friends who were fairly attractive (over 6 feet tall, blonde) would consistently land with girls that were one to three notches below what they would get "offline." I've attempted to use dating sites on and off several times over the years and barely could get the attention of ugly women. In the end I found it amusing considering the girls I date tend to be models that have appeared in…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofIJhUMhqvE#t=2m02s

Re: A Million First Dates

#56
post #53
post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you lack pre-requisites women require. Truth is, there are loads of short guys, ugly guys or otherwise challenged guys that get what they want out of dating, whether it's lots of random sleeping around, or a committed relationship, and everything in between. Please don't talk about giving up on relationships. Online dating might actually not be the best choice f…

I see where you are coming from but there's only so much confidence/boldness can make up for physical attributes. You say there are loads of short/ugly/challenged guys who get what they want and yet, what I see on my Facebook/streets of SF/NY are totally different. I've only seen a handful of shorter guys get taller women. Most women prefer taller guys and guys of certain races (interracial stats and surveys definite…

I think it's a matter of prerequisites. Women will look at you as a friend instead of a potential partner if you don't fit them. That's when all the nice-guy stuff of kindness, etc. that many women claim to be what they're looking for (and they are being truthful, only missing a rather vital predicate) is unimportant if you can't fulfil the pre-reqs.

My experience on the street is exactly the same. I've basically never seen contradictions, after years living in London, a city of 7M people.

I think people wish these things to be true. But they're not.

Re: A Million First Dates

#57
post #43

FWIW, the Portland regulars on /r/OkCupid complain that it's an inversion of the classic pattern everywhere else. Men are apparently in the position of scarcity. NYC OKCers talk about the scourge of "trade ups". Still, living as I do in Perth, this all seems like hearing about the problems of people living on Planet Donuts. Oh, you can't settle down because there are just sooo many choices ? No no, please continue, I…

Weird, from what I've seen male friends who were fairly attractive (over 6 feet tall, blonde) would consistently land with girls that were one to three notches below what they would get "offline." I've attempted to use dating sites on and off several times over the years and barely could get the attention of ugly women. In the end I found it amusing considering the girls I date tend to be models that have appeared in…

Ah, thank god brother! I 'm so snowed under catching up with letters A-O here, i don't think i have time for P now.

Re: A Million First Dates

#58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The first rule of online dating: Nobody owes you anything. If you forget that, you're destined to wind up on that niceguysofokc site.

I don't think anybody owes me anything, sure, of course. Personally, I took the attitude of optimising profile, contact endless women using advice from those successful on the site to elicit replies, play the numbers game. My point is that there are a subset of us who have such low odds of response that it'd be better not to be on there at all. I wonder how many of us fund these sites... I have heard of seedier sites…

"I have heard of seedier sites in the past using false profiles to reply to people, perhaps keep those such as myself strung along."

Yes, seedier sites like Match.com and Yahoo Personals: http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/tech/news/2005-11-18-matchmak...

Re: A Million First Dates

#59
post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have tried many, paid/non-paid, with same outcome. And shorter women hilariously still generally prefer >= av. height men. It seems to be a major genetic thing. I shouldn't gonzo myself into this too much, as I've decided to give up on relationships altogether, so this isn't about me finding some site that'll work (not feasible IMHO, since real life is equally impossible), but rather whether people like me are being…

That's true in both online and offline dating. My suggestion if you want a far easier time hooking up is to simply get into very good shape. Height, weight, completion, and dress are all vary important in first impressions. But surprisingly weight / fitness is by far the most important.

I would be more than willing to do that, if I believed it was as much of a factor as height/looks/cocky confidence.

I actually experimented with this, lost > 55lb in weight, worked really hard, and it made no difference. None.

As you can imagine, motivation to do these things is not great these days.

Re: A Million First Dates

#60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great post. Being a short yet confident man is way much more appealing to a woman than to be the 6' average joe.

Citation required? Women might say this, but in my experience it's simply not true. Like the whole 'love yourself so others can love you' line. Which is just B.S. in my experience. Having said that, I agree confidence makes a huge difference. However, the kind of confidence women like is in my opinion an unpleasant cocky kind. And should I attempt to completely change who I am, become somebody I dislike just to fulfi…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neil_Strauss
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