A Million First Dates • Hacker News Board

Re: A Million First Dates

#21

Post by Evbn » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:08 PM UTC

furyg3 wrote: post #15

ZoFreX wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, I thought that most of what the article stated was well supported, but they made a leap from "people are more likely to leave relationships that aren't that great" to social values suffering. I'd rather be single than trapped in a marriage I don't really enjoy.

It's tough, though. If you ask very happily married 60+ old couples, I think most will tell you that there was a patch or two they didn't really enjoy, and that they are happy they rode it out. The trick is knowing when to make that call. Having a list of a thousand compatible singles a click away probably lowers the "walk away" threshold quite a bit.

Affairs have existed as long as marriage. There is a "walk back" threshold as well. People are practical by nature, if shortsighted.

Re: A Million First Dates

#22

Post by Evbn » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:09 PM UTC

GuiA wrote: post #10

raldi wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you. I kept waiting and waiting for the article to get to its point, and it just kept going on and on as a shaggy-dog story.

TL;DR: tl;drs have made journalism disposable :)

No, they raised the quality bar.

Re: A Million First Dates

#23

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:12 PM UTC

[deleted]

Re: A Million First Dates

#24

Post by jacques_chester » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:13 PM UTC

FWIW, the Portland regulars on /r/OkCupid complain that it's an inversion of the classic pattern everywhere else. Men are apparently in the position of scarcity.

NYC OKCers talk about the scourge of "trade ups".

Still, living as I do in Perth, this all seems like hearing about the problems of people living on Planet Donuts. Oh, you can't settle down because there are just sooo many choices? No no, please continue, I'll be over here stewing in my own bile.

Re: A Million First Dates

#25

Post by andrewvc » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:14 PM UTC

greggman wrote: post #14

My personal experience doesn't match some of the ideas presented in that article >> At the selection stage, researchers have seen that as the range of options grows larger, mate-seekers are liable to become “cognitively overwhelmed,” and deal with the overload by adopting lazy comparison strategies and examining fewer cues I find exactly the opposite. People that I would be happy to talk to if I met them in person wi…

You're doing it wrong, skim a bunch of profiles and copy and paste short messages with very slight variations. Investing time in a first message, hell even reading a whole profile on an online dating site is a huge waste of time. Also, stop being so picky.

Re: A Million First Dates

#26

Post by jacques_chester » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:20 PM UTC

greggman wrote: post #14

My personal experience doesn't match some of the ideas presented in that article >> At the selection stage, researchers have seen that as the range of options grows larger, mate-seekers are liable to become “cognitively overwhelmed,” and deal with the overload by adopting lazy comparison strategies and examining fewer cues I find exactly the opposite. People that I would be happy to talk to if I met them in person wi…

Whether you are looking for "the one" or for "the many", the mathematics is still the same. You need to reach out to lots of women.

Re: A Million First Dates

#27

Post by singular » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:22 PM UTC

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.)

I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you will find obtaining a partner extremely difficult. I am 2 sigma below the average in my country (5'5", UK). Oh dear. I think those who are not height-impaired find it hard to believe how much of a factor this is, but it really, really, really is.

If you lack a certain kind of (I venture to suggest, actually somewhat unpleasant, cocky) confidence, especially good looks or social standing, then your odds drop even more significantly.

From what I have read, the general experience of dating sites is that men get very few replies, and women are inundated, so the task for a man is to do anything to stand out, and the task for women is to filter. I think this exaggerates the already heavily filtering criteria listed above for those like myself.

However, dating sites give people like me hope, the idea that somehow we might get around this problem, somehow say the right thing or after enough messages sent we might find somebody. I wonder how many people like me fund these sites (OK Cupid have a blog with lots of stats, perhaps some data to work with there.)

I say 'from what I have read', as I have sent > ~150 messages with no reply whatsoever. After losing vast amounts of weight, optimising profile, following advice, etc.

Apologies for the rantishness/possibly OT-ness of this post, but obv. quite a personal issue for me.

UPDATE: Amusing news piece on short men dating - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LwRe6tyqY8

Re: A Million First Dates

#28

Post by jacques_chester » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:28 PM UTC

singular wrote: post #27

For a certain subset (perhaps minority) of the population, these sites are nothing but a bait-and-switch. And I think dating sites attract many of us (as I am indeed a member of this subset.) I'm talking about people who lack the pre-requisites women require for mate selection which if not fulfilled, no other characteristics typically matter. Firstly - height - if you are significantly below the national average, you…

The first rule of online dating: Nobody owes you anything.

If you forget that, you're destined to wind up on that niceguysofokc site.

Re: A Million First Dates

#29

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:29 PM UTC

[deleted]

Re: A Million First Dates

#30

Post by dusing » Sat, Jan 05, 2013, 4:29 PM UTC

greggman wrote: post #14

My personal experience doesn't match some of the ideas presented in that article >> At the selection stage, researchers have seen that as the range of options grows larger, mate-seekers are liable to become “cognitively overwhelmed,” and deal with the overload by adopting lazy comparison strategies and examining fewer cues I find exactly the opposite. People that I would be happy to talk to if I met them in person wi…

I have a different philosophy about online dating that prevents the "wasted week" you speak about. In the year and a half since my divorce I've gone on about 30 first dates with people I've met online. What I do is exchange 2 emails, tops, before asking for a coffee or happy hour date (short time commitment if it doesn't work out) and then we meet and nip it in the bud. I've done the week of texting thing and it always turns out bad. The key is not to get overly invested or your hopes up for a couple weeks before meeting. Not that the dates are all bad, but compared to your imagination they will seem worse than they are, better to meet the real thing.

For me this meant having 3-4 first dates every other week (mostly scheduled when I didn't have my kids) and I found about ever 6 or so I would find a keeper, date that person for around 2 months and then find some reason it wouldn't work for longer and move on in my search. I think it's given me a great balance of "just for fun" and "real" relationships. I'm 3 months into a real one right now.