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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#711

Post by spidercat »

graemep wrote: post #697
spidercat wrote: post #689

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that birth control offers us a choice in the matter. Pregnancy used to be something You Just Did, because, well, most people enjoy having sex, and pregnancy is the intended consequence of unprotected sex. It's scary, it's stressful, it's risky, and it's sometimes even fatal... but it's "part of life". It's how we ended up here, after all. Now we have a choice. Which is…

Birth control has been around for a long time now. The oral contraceptive pill was invented 70 years ago. Fear of pregnancy to the level of putting people off having kids is much newer. I think its very likely that social media plays apart. I think people glossing pregnancy over as wonderful are optimistic. I think a more honest take is "its hard but worth it". > What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bed…

All valid responses/pushback to the anxiety! It's still a lot of unknowns and what-ifs; I was more trying to make the point that for some people, it's overwhelming, and some may conclude it's not worth the risk in finding out. Which brings me to another important point, which is that parenthood isn't for everybody. Some people really shouldn't be parents, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. (Not saying I'm necessarily one of those people; just speaking more generally.)

Unfortunately - and this is kinda related to your comment about it being rare for the kind of person who worries about being a good parent to be a really bad parent - we often see opposite patterns play out... people that would probably make good parents seem less likely to reproduce, and vice versa. I know "Idiocracy" is a bit of a meme these days and is arguably classist, but I can't help but think about it. It's probably a far larger socioeconomic issue than can be feasibly hashed out in an internet forum, and I certainly can't solve it.

Ultimately, I think where I'm at these days, is that we need the village back, and I would love to be a part of it. How? Well, currently, it's that "Fun Auntie" role, as I've no kids of my own, nor do I plan to change that. I've long "wanted to want" bio-children, but so far, I don't. I'm mid-30s now, so there is still time, especially thanks to fertility technology continuing to improve. I'm probably not gonna change my mind, but I'm far too autistic to speak in absolutes, so I cant 100% rule anything out.

Regardless: the village is a beautiful thing. It's an honor to be a part of it in the ways that I am and have been throughout my life. More people should be a part of it. We should all (within reason) be a part of it. It should be celebrated and supported each and every day, to the point where parenthood isn't so much of a burden on the individual family unit, and is instead a shared responsibility of the local community. How do we best go about doing that? Obviously governmental and institutional support is critical, but we also need societal/cultural support, and that will be a lengthier project... we owe it to ourselves to try, though.

I appreciate the conversation and insights in this conversation; thanks for the well-thought out responses in these threads.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#712

Post by geodel »

pbreit wrote: post #706
spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

Just remember, for 99.9% of us, work accomplishments are meaningless.

I think about it. At one point job accomplisments mattered and later it stopped not because of having family, but also what mattered at work changed. All the tips, tricks, late night work, things I thought were clever, unique, frugal solutions were marked as hack, obsoleted solutions, need to be replaced by "industry standards" platforms. Of course things change, one learn and apply new skills, but underlying theme was new solutions will be done proper experts this time. While I have to hang around to explain and repent my past mistakes if I want to hold onto job.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#713

Post by jona777than »

This article reminds me of a time when I was pushing my kid on a swing in the backyard after work. It was all I was doing. No background processes running mentally. With all the obligations and people waiting on me at work and deliverables due yesterday, I had managed to turn it off. It occurred to me that simply pushing my kid on a swing and thinking of nothing else was probably the most important thing I could ever do in that single moment. That was a freeing change of perspective for me.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#715

Post by jareklupinski »

afavour wrote: post #563
spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

While I agree with everything you say... I'd sure like to earn more money. It would make my life better and my kid's lives better. The surest path to achieving that is to be ambitious in the workplace. It's something I find myself constantly conflicted on.

> a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt.

> I'd sure like to earn more money.

i heard a lyric a while back about being "unhappy with the riches, cuz you're p**-poor morally"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#717

Post by FuriouslyAdrift »

theF00l wrote: post #598
sokoloff wrote: post #583

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know a couple of O’Reilly authors. I don’t think any of them expected a best-seller or awards from their work, just “I get a high-four or barely-five figure payment for a competent treatment of a technical topic.” Maybe you could argue that’s a lightweight version of “approval of others”

Surprised to hear that an O'Reilly book will net you less than a month of work for a SWE in the US and some parts of Europe. But I guess the reward is not the money but the expertise and signal.

Here's an authors account of royalties received from the no. 2 best selling O'Reilly book at the time (around $500k over 6 years)

https://martin.kleppmann.com/2020/09/29/is-book-writing-wort...

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#718

Post by afavour »

jareklupinski wrote: post #715
afavour wrote: post #563

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I agree with everything you say... I'd sure like to earn more money. It would make my life better and my kid's lives better. The surest path to achieving that is to be ambitious in the workplace. It's something I find myself constantly conflicted on.

> a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. > I'd sure like to earn more money. i heard a lyric a while back about being "unhappy with the riches, cuz you're p**-poor morally" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

I’m not convinced it’s a binary thing like that. At the extreme end you have the father that steals bread to feed his starving family. At the other end you have the father that spends more time at work in pursuit of a promotion. I’m not sure that makes anyone morally piss-poor.

Taking a job at Palantir in order to make an extra few hundred K… yeah, maybe that’s morally piss poor.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#719

Post by glerk »

dinkleberg wrote: post #668
glerk wrote: post #660

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The older you get, the closer you get to being a corpse. That's not something to be proud of :) I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your comment in spirit, but you are conflating "ambition" with "seeking validation from others". The most passionate and driven people I know are intrinsically…

That is one way to look at it. But equally, the older you get, the longer you've fought off becoming a corpse.

Heh love the optimistic outlook, I'll keep that in mind!

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#720

Post by pseudosavant »

I very much agree with this blog post but would reframe it a bit. I think ambition, like most things in life, is zero-sum and requires trade-offs. Before kids, all of your ambition could go into your professional life, but what happens when you become a parent and have parental ambitions?

To have a life that will feel successful to you, you need to have your ambitions aligned with what really matters to you. Whether that is being a great parent, having great community, building a great company, creating amazing works of art, etc.

There isn't necessarily one "right" balance, but there are certainly many examples of people who went all in on one thing (Einstein, Steve Jobs, etc) to the detriment of anything else, even though they brought children into this world. It doesn't necessarily mean they were wrong, but they were probably crap fathers to have.

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