Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

441–450 of 802 posts

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#441

Post by xyzelement »

ramesh31 wrote: post #434
xyzelement wrote: post #426

I was thinking lately how lucky I am to have gotten good guidance from my parents and grandparents that oriented me well to life and work. I think this is / used to be more commonly understood or maybe just seems that way. Ambition and drive are important but there's an important "so what" there as well. Am I aimlessly ambitious or am I ambitious for the sake of being able to support my family and make a significant…

I think men in this day and age have been hoodwinked just as much as women when it comes to the career vs. family debate. For a man there is truly nothing more important in life than having a family and providing for them. It is what we are evolutionarily tuned towards and anything short of it will leave you empty and hollow. There's a desperate longing for fulfillment and meaning among our generation that a lifetime…

Yup. And would you agree that being sufficiently "indoctrinated" into the right thinking by your own parents and grandparents is the only way through?

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#442

Post by Forgeties79 »

Gareth321 wrote: post #266
Derbasti wrote: post #252

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. Which frustrates me immensely, because I feel that society at large did everything it could to convince me that parenthood is terrible. Movies and TV shows portrayed only the bad. Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world. A w…

> Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world

That’s…unhealthy and unusual.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#444

Post by RunSet »

Derbasti wrote: post #252
marssaxman wrote: post #32

The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Having grown up in a large family within a religious subculture full of other large families, the amount of time and attention children consume was crystal clear from a young age, and I knew that I was going to need every scrap of energy I could spare for the work I wanted to do. Ye…

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

> Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

That might say more about what you haven't done than what you have.

"First-time fathers show longitudinal gray matter cortical volume reductions: evidence from two international samples"

https://academic.oup.com/cercor/article/33/7/4156/6691667

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#445

Post by francisofascii »

spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

Agree, but with the caveat. we have to develop ambition, passion, habits, and success in the right areas of life, so that the right partner wants to choose us. (We typically don't get to pick.)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#446

Post by pbronez »

thenoblesunfish wrote: post #342
afc wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interesting perspective. Your first paragraph also describes my experience, perfectly. However, even though I also think nothing comes even close to parenthood for me, my perspective is that society strongly encourages —I'd even say strongly pressures— people to have kids, to feel that if you don't, it's almost like something is wrong with you. Maybe we're just different generations? :-)

I think it's social pressure in some cultures, but even in those (sub)cultures which don't have the explicit pressure to have kids, people have a drive to procreate. I cannot tell you how many couples I know who decided they would not have kids, or would only have one, and at a certain point one partner (usually a woman in their late 30s or early 40s if I am being honest) decided this was the most important thing and…

Yeah that biological clock had a surprisingly loud alarm!

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#447

Post by the_af »

alphabeta3r56 wrote: post #270
Derbasti wrote: post #252

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

Why? Noy disputing you but I am childless yet primarily I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful. Like once I have a kid, then that kid has to be the most significant part of my life. But before that, why?

> I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful.

I don't think it's something to think or reason about. You feel it (or don't, in some cases). As an atheist, I suppose this is how truly religious people feel about their religion: it brings them joy and meaning. (And much like in some religions, you sometimes feel you're beholden to a demanding, whimsical god!).

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#448

Post by ParallelThread »

I have a relatively good stable job, working in tech. When I came across generative AI and how it could be used to solve difficult math problems and materialize amazing codebases, the feeling of awe makes me want to understand the magic. I am contemplating choosing between changing my career and being in my stable job, raising my kids. Of course, I am probably unqualified for frontier labs, where I want to work on models. Ambition seems to have gotten a hold off me and won't let me go.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#449

Post by JKCalhoun »

afc wrote: post #292
Gareth321 wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. Which frustrates me immensely, because I feel that society at large did everything it could to convince me that parenthood is terrible. Movies and TV shows portrayed only the bad. Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world. A w…

Interesting perspective. Your first paragraph also describes my experience, perfectly. However, even though I also think nothing comes even close to parenthood for me, my perspective is that society strongly encourages —I'd even say strongly pressures— people to have kids, to feel that if you don't, it's almost like something is wrong with you. Maybe we're just different generations? :-)

I never felt that pressure to have kids. In fact, even though I waited until I was in my mid 30's, I was the first in my social circle to have kids (I guess I hung around with younger people?).

I knew since I was a kid myself that I wanted to someday be a father. If society pushed me, it would have been when I was still in elementary school.

After I had kids though… It was strange to scroll through coworkers social media feeds and see the same photos of groups of 30-somethings holding up wine glasses while the waiter (I assume) takes their photo at some fancy restaurant in the Bay Area. It all seemed so… hedonistic? Or maybe just kind of empty.

Becoming a father gave me purpose that was (finally) not about me any longer.

And now, the nest empty, I still am unable to go back to that person I was before. (Whoever that was.)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#450

Post by sneak »

…or just don’t have kids. Reproducing is the ultimate in self-centeredness. It’s entirely optional.

Replace having kids in this article with rebuilding a vintage engine from scratch in your garage to see how ridiculous this attitude is.

Do one thing and do it well.

Post reply on HN