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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#401

Post by close04 »

thenoblesunfish wrote: post #345
close04 wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. I completely agree with you. But I can't say around me, people, movies, society ever sent the message that parenthood is terrible. The way I interpret the message was always "this was hard, this was grueling, but I wouldn't change it for the world". I didn't ge…

I feel a lot of regret having had children. Not 100%, but it's always going to be more than 0%. I adore my kids but it's too much for my brain and it makes me miserable a lot of the time. I don't bring it up except to counsellors (or anonymous internet bros, apparently) because (a) it's not actionable - there is no going back (b) it's a bummer and no one has anything to say about it.

> it's a bummer and no one has anything to say about it.

I think a lot of people could have something to say about this but they're afraid of being branded bad parent or bad people.

> it's not actionable - there is no going back

Going back isn't the only way to take action. If you can't change the trigger you can try to control to a degree how you feel about it.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#402

Post by kgwgk »

Gareth321 wrote: post #377
thenoblesunfish wrote: post #360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One is 6 years, the other is 6 months.

This is arguably the toughest it will ever get. It's very normal to feel all kinds of tough emotions right now. If this were climbing Mount Everest, you'd be near the top.

Or maybe they’ll run away at sixteen to join a gang.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#404

Post by SiempreViernes »

flkiwi wrote: post #389

First, I respect anyone’s choice not to be a parent. It’s constant, demanding work, far more intense than any job I’ve ever had as a baseline. Second, this is the third time in two days I’ve seen some variation on “I dreamed of doing something significant and never wanted kids.” That’s a wild construction. Having kids is incredibly significant, and more world-changing than most of us will ever do. Having kids didn’t…

> “I dreamed of doing something significant and never wanted kids.” That’s a wild construction. Having kids is incredibly significant

Sure, but you have to remember that there is most likely a silent "and new" in there; most jobs in a competitive industry are significant, because otherwise they would be cut. Being a cleaner at a hospital you are doing significant work too, but at the same time it is probably not what was imagined by an author of the phrase "I dream of doing significant things".

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#406

Post by kakacik »

Arubis wrote: post #184
brightball wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think one of the reasons that a lot of successful founders are in their mid-40s is because they combine 20ish years of experience with an empty nest after kids are out on their own. Nothing to back it up, but it makes sense to me.

Raising kids is fabulous experience for management. If you can convince a five-year-old that greens are tasty, you can motivate almost anyone.

You can achieve that trivially with such young kids by simply leading by example, not having snacks and junkfood at home and so on. We eat a lot of healthy stuff, so our kids do. You are still their world and define many patterns they will follow later subconsciously.

That doesn't translate that much into say teens but it lays a solid foundation.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#407

Post by Spooky23 »

I worked with some ambitious motherfucker who fancied himself so important and so busy his secretary scheduled when he would take a piss.

He told me once that his work was his passion and his legacy. No kids, no wife. And he was brilliant and hard working. But he was running from something in his mind. There was a shakeup at the top and he got pushed out in the ensuing politics.

His legacy is a cautionary tale. But I don’t remember his last name.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#408

Post by blharr »

kmarc wrote: post #317
enjrolas wrote: post #273

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a parent, I get to give you The Most Infuriating Answer: once you have kids, you'll understand.

Except... a million reasons where they will either not understand, or they should have not become a parent. The problem with the "The Most Infuriating Answer" is that it entirely neglects facts, and only those say it who do have a good experience with it. Happy for you, internet stranger. Just like I am happy for all of those around me: you all are the ones who do good parenting. In case you also want to become a bet…

> I recommend to stop being condescending

Said in perhaps, the most condescending way possible

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#409

Post by _tk_ »

I kinda miss the argument why so many “ambitious” people are bad parents. Maybe because it is too obvious? If you are not present for your child at the time your kid grows up (before and after school, weekends, etc) you are not a parent at all. You’re a roommate with certain privileges, but no child is interested in that.

People who work 60+ hours a week will be “worse” parents than others.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#410

Post by kakacik »

somenameforme wrote: post #243
Quothling wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I got sort of lucky early in my career because I had a talent that was discovered in a national network. Which meant I found myself writing national strategies for IT in our public sector (Denmark) at my late 20ies. It felt great for a year, or maybe two. When it stopped being fun though, it sort of hit me hard. I did enjoy writing and working on the strategies with other people. All the "glamour" around it, advicing…

I'd also agree with this. Children don't make you give up your ambitions in the least. However they will almost certainly make you rethink what is important in life. It's not even conscious like an 'ok I give this up, in order to get that' but rather they just make you feel very differently, in a way that you can't really explain. But it's good, very good.

100% agree with this. But its not uniform for everybody, mothers generally change and throw away previous life after having kids in ways that most men don't. Some fathers are similar (and few mothers are similar to average guy) but difference is pretty big when you dig deeper.
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