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Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

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Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#311

Post by farfatched »

devalexwells wrote: post #171

Just wanted to say thank you for this. In particular, the part where often it seems the "Founder mode" icons some evangelize (seem to) neglect their children and/or effectively put childrearing entirely on their partner. I wish I had a good term (or some other concise way) to reject/criticize this aspect of tech culture. I say founders above but I see it happen in lots of my peers who are simply workaholics. The clos…

> "The only people who will remember you worked late are your kids."

I really need to kick my engrossing tech hobbies. :(

And yes to the wider point. There are many people more capable people than me, but sometimes it's about priorities, and top achievers in fields will usually be sacrificing something else.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#312

Post by SunlightEdge »

farfatched wrote: post #310
SunlightEdge wrote: post #304

So this piece really resonates with me. I have a five month old child who I really like/love - but I am filled with a passionate software idea and everytime I get a tiny bit of time to work on it, it is heaven. A while back I was able to do one hour in the morning before work on it - but have lost that hur recently. At night, I occassionally look wistfully at my computer sometimes and wish I could build - but I am ju…

Free time will return! Not much, but some evenings will soon be available!

Thanks for your words - I live in hope :)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#313

Post by CalRobert »

zer00eyz wrote: post #156
xp84 wrote: post #87

I have a good friend who has a special needs kid and we've discussed his struggles at length - suffice it to say that it takes an order of magnitude more time and attention than what's described here. The thing is, you of course don't get tipped off that you've been selected for that particular curse (and yes, I'd say it's a curse. It's not some inspiring after-school special thing, it's unfair as f*k to all involved…

My parents were both teachers, who, before moving into admin rolls (when I was somewhat older) worked in special ed. My mother later ended up back in a classroom for a period of time with severely handicapped children. Bound to beds and wheelchairs, non verbal, never going to have independence. For years after she left her admin job she would go back and spend an evening or two every year watching the kids, so the pa…

It's very frustrating that behind every "you should be eternally grateful for every child no matter what" warm fuzzy message is an implicit "and if you ever express regret for having a kid who wound up non-verbal and violent and destroyed your marriage and your relationship with your other kids you're a horrible person".

Not referring to your cousin specifically but my mom's life's work is with severely autistic children (the "can't talk and hits people" sort, not "I'm a bit awkward and love math and doing anything to help autistic kids is abject cruelty!" sort), and the experience for parents mostly seems to be abject misery.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#314

Post by kakacik »

somenameforme wrote: post #240
reillyse wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find it funny that I spent my 20s and 30s doing everything in my power to avoid having kids and at this stage in my life I’m doing everything to have kids. I do feel that 30 year old me would definitely be in better shape to chase kids around.

100% on this. In my life I have 0 regrets except not having kids younger. I was never especially fond of kids, but it turns I out love my own more than I imagined possible, and have more fun with them I ever thought I would! I only wish we could have many more but given when we started, the odds of having more than 2 are very low. The amount of joy and life they bring to you and to your house is something you can't r…

I for a change am happy I had my kids in late 30s / 40. I am certainly wiser, way more experienced with world, humans, got to be successful and in much better financial position which also helped my parents to have better retirement.

I wasn't a full adult in my 20s, too naive, too trusting, undefined for the lack of better words, not experienced with various types of women (laugh all you want, this was probably the most important experience from all for me, it afterwards formed my choice of wife which is often the most important choice in one's life).

Plus I've managed in a decade before having kids to travel the world backpacking, various experiences that changed me for the better and basically reinvented myself, on my own. I don't come from competitive or nurturing environment, nobody expected anything from me. I've found my passions in various mountain/extreme sports. None of that would happen if I had kids earlier, thats very clear when looking at peers who took the other trajectory.

If my kids will have their kids young or older is completely up to them, I find it selfish to push any expectations on them, they (will) live vastly different life compared to me, I can just respect their choices and love them regardless.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#315

Post by pipes »

Derbasti wrote: post #252
marssaxman wrote: post #32

The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Having grown up in a large family within a religious subculture full of other large families, the amount of time and attention children consume was crystal clear from a young age, and I knew that I was going to need every scrap of energy I could spare for the work I wanted to do. Ye…

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

Exactly how I feel too. They bring magic into my life that I didn't even know I was missing. I'll be sad when they grow up and leave.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#316

Post by farfatched »

funnygiraffe wrote: post #176
blobbers wrote: post #23

I'm shocked by the amount of time people who don't have kids waste. So while PG may believe that people may have their "act already together" pre-kids, I sort of look at the amount of time people without kids waste and think "if only I had that much free time..."

Not sure this is fully accurate. Managing kids can use up one's will power or self control resources considerably. There can also be sleep deprivation with young children and other energy drain. I'm not really sure but my focus / ability to avoid distractions at work may actually have gotten worse since having kids.

Yeah, work is now my time for tranquility.

My passion for tech remains, and now work is the time I spend on it, but not on my assigned priorities, sadly.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#317

Post by kmarc »

enjrolas wrote: post #273
alphabeta3r56 wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why? Noy disputing you but I am childless yet primarily I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful. Like once I have a kid, then that kid has to be the most significant part of my life. But before that, why?

As a parent, I get to give you The Most Infuriating Answer: once you have kids, you'll understand.

Except... a million reasons where they will either not understand, or they should have not become a parent.

The problem with the "The Most Infuriating Answer" is that it entirely neglects facts, and only those say it who do have a good experience with it.

Happy for you, internet stranger. Just like I am happy for all of those around me: you all are the ones who do good parenting.

In case you also want to become a better person in general, I recommend to stop being condescending, and not to say this ever again to anyone. You hurt more than you think you are wise.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#318

Post by kakacik »

marttt wrote: post #245
alanwreath wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I mean: siblings. Not to discount that it’s great when you play with your kids, but it’s different when your kids play together, and in particular when you can’t play that they have someone to interact with.

Yeah, the group dynamics of, say, a family with two children: 1. Kid A plays with Kid B 2. Kid A plays alone and Kid B plays alone As compared to a three-child household: 1. Kids A, B and C play together 2. Kid A plays with Kid B, Kid C plays alone 3. Kid A plays with Kid C, Kid B plays alone 4. Kid B plays with Kid C, Kid A plays alone 5. Kid A, Kid B and Kid C all play alone So, in a bigger family, many more commun…

I disagree, when looking at 3-kids setup out there in the world. Ie my wife comes from such, she is the oldest and all 3 follow the typical 3 kids pattern - oldest was pushed into most responsibility to the point of trauma, middle one feels unappreciated and has inferiority complex as middle ones often do, and youngest is by huge margin the most spoiled one. This is the default for 3 kids that many parents end up with, unless fighting hard against this natural direction.

And yes a lot of interaction, but it doesn't guarantee anything further down the line - when long time adults youngest is still spoiled and selfish and not really a pleasant person to be around with for anybody, including siblings and their own mom. Middle one is scared to have kids, a decision that she may end up regretting later easily. And my wife is also carrying her part of the burden, won't bother you with details.

The grass is always greener behind the fence and all that.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#319

Post by farfatched »

amelius wrote: post #306

Just have a rule that you'll leave the office at 17:00.

I try this, but it has issues.

* Sometimes I'm in flow state, and so breaking at 17:00 breaks that.

* 17:00 is rush hour, so if so leave then, my commute goes from 60m to 90m. So I leave at 16:00, and catch up later. But now I'm context switching more.

* If it's 14:30 and I know I'm leaving at 16:00, then I'm hesitant to work on something that might need more focus/debugging.

All these are workable, and many parents are testament to that, but at least for me, it's all contributing to less productivity.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#320

Post by voidmain0001 »

somenameforme wrote: post #241
voidmain0001 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This. I’m an old dad. I realized two years ago that to keep up with my pre-teens I had to change my lifestyle. For me that meant cutting out alcohol, not eating processed foods, avoiding sugar, reduced caffeine, way more protein and doing calisthenics. I sleep well and I have energy. I just have to keep this up for 10 more years when my youngest will be 21, then I can die. ;-)

Same here in almost all ways, except the caffeine. What was the benefit there? My hot pots keep me going. Once my wife hits menopause I might also consider TRT. I'm almost certainly not low by the standards of the average American, let alone for my age, but it's gonna keep falling as I age and wouldn't mind that extra oomph.

Previously, when my head touched the pillow I was asleep. Two years ago I noticed that wasn’t happening and I would wake frequently through the night. I cut back my caffeine intake and my restored my sleep. Without knowing the physiological reason I assume my metabolism is slowing down and I had to alter my lifestyle to fit to it, hence my strict diet now. The calisthenics has been awesome for me. I love the progression moves to unlock skills and levelling up. Pushing weights just to stack more plates wasn’t motivation for me - cali is. It replaces my caffeine.

As for menopause, or more accurately, perimenopause, my wife has been in that for years. (She’s an old mom) She started HRT about 6 months ago and it has been amazing. She no longer wants to murder me or anyone else that irritates her.

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