Being ambitious and being a dad • Hacker News Board

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#181

Post by scorpioxy » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:08 AM UTC

TheAlchemist wrote: post #128

scorpioxy wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The middle way, perhaps? What "dreams" are more important than having a strong connection with your kids? Not only are the regrets that will come later in life huge and legitimate, they would also be irreversible. But, assuming you're in relatively good health midlife, you can always attempt to build the 5 startups that will almost definitely fail. Just my opinion of course.

That's what I'm saying, maybe not with right words then. Strong connections with kids are the most important thing, but it cannot be the only one. It wouldn't end great neither for both parties.

Ah, I may have misunderstood your comment. I thought you were leaning more towards the "dream" part. But so my comment also meant to say that the definition of ambition and success changed after becoming a parent. I know I won't be curing cancer in my lifetime and so what thing is really important that I have to sacrifice time with my children for? To me, being the founder of the next failed facebook for cats is just not it.

Note that I am not talking about earning a living and thus necessarily sacrificing time doing that and showing your kids that sometimes you have to work hard to survive in a decent way. I am talking about the parents who outsource their children to childcare to work to pay off the loan on their third car and newest iphone and tell you that they have no choice.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#182

Post by Arubis » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:14 AM UTC

I have had to very deliberately and repeatedly let myself off the hook for ambitions while parenting. There is SO MUCH that I am hungry to do, and none of it is as important as being fully present with my kids.

Will there come a time when these are more complimentary than in conflict? Maybe! But while the kids are young, not often. And while I feel the conflict, it’s helpful to have somewhat pre-decided what I’d regret more, and it would be not having connected with them.

If there’s time later to do great things, especially with them, so much the better.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#183

Post by xp84 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:15 AM UTC

Apocryphon wrote: post #160

funnygiraffe wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For that particular issue you can improve your "gambling" odds by having kids at a younger age, rather than waiting until you've optimized your career and environment.

Easy to prescribe, hard to implement for the last two generations or so

It's not like people had an established career when they had kids at 19 in the 1940s. They just didn't view "being halfway to a comfortable retirement" as the prerequisite to having kids, the way my generation thinks it is.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#184

Post by Arubis » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:16 AM UTC

brightball wrote: post #105

marssaxman wrote: post #32

The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Having grown up in a large family within a religious subculture full of other large families, the amount of time and attention children consume was crystal clear from a young age, and I knew that I was going to need every scrap of energy I could spare for the work I wanted to do. Ye…

I think one of the reasons that a lot of successful founders are in their mid-40s is because they combine 20ish years of experience with an empty nest after kids are out on their own. Nothing to back it up, but it makes sense to me.

Raising kids is fabulous experience for management. If you can convince a five-year-old that greens are tasty, you can motivate almost anyone.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#185

Post by Aeolun » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:17 AM UTC

xp84 wrote: post #87

I have a good friend who has a special needs kid and we've discussed his struggles at length - suffice it to say that it takes an order of magnitude more time and attention than what's described here. The thing is, you of course don't get tipped off that you've been selected for that particular curse (and yes, I'd say it's a curse. It's not some inspiring after-school special thing, it's unfair as f*k to all involved…

The gamble is basically only a gamble if you wait longer. The graph for pre-35 parents is practically nonexistent.

I could live with the 2% chance at 42, but not with the 15% at 45.

Where the chance is of random abnormalities. Who knows what exciting variant you get.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#186

Post by fionic » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:18 AM UTC

“Completely removing time-wasting activities”

Is a bit harsh to me. You might be ultra competitive but it could also be how you define it. But in my opinion sometimes “time wasting activities” are needed for recharging your own batteries and this kind of phrasing sounds like burnout.

Like if I said fishing someone would justify it as not being time wasting etc or meditating or something you would justify as health work but that justification is even contradictory to meditation at all.

time wasting is an odd phrase and stressful wording to me I don’t like. “wasting time” can sometimes be a productive and useful endeavor.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#187

Post by Aeolun » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:19 AM UTC

xp84 wrote: post #183

Apocryphon wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Easy to prescribe, hard to implement for the last two generations or so

It's not like people had an established career when they had kids at 19 in the 1940s. They just didn't view "being halfway to a comfortable retirement" as the prerequisite to having kids, the way my generation thinks it is.

I think the best advice to having kids young is to lower your expectations. The only reason people ‘cannot’ have children young is because they want a specific kind of life for themselves and their kids that is incompatible with that.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#188

Post by dalyons » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:19 AM UTC

sacul wrote: post #161

tedggh wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There’s never a right time to have kids. But having them older has its perks. You are much more calmed, patient, you are wiser and likely financially stable. Throwing money at problems definitely makes life 10X easier when you have kids, something most people can’t do in their 20s or even 30s.

I disagree. As a father of nine children, I submit that the best time to have children is when you’re young. The next best time is now . Sure, you’ll be poor, and you’ll make lots of mistakes. But how do you know you’ll be able to have children later? And what’s so important now that makes it worth putting off children?

As a father of nine you have to acknowledge your perspective is an extreme outlier. Not criticizing, just, not a generalizable take.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#189

Post by ElProlactin » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:19 AM UTC

_carbyau_ wrote: post #88

ElProlactin wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, he seems to be going in that direction, which I think is the fallacy. This is where I think humility should balance amibiton.

I don't think he is guaranteeing success, but stating his aim. Gotta have a goal to work towards if you claim to be ambitious.

You can have the best ship but if you're sailing in the wrong direction, you're still sailing in the wrong direction.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#190

Post by Apocryphon » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 2:20 AM UTC

xp84 wrote: post #183

Apocryphon wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Easy to prescribe, hard to implement for the last two generations or so

It's not like people had an established career when they had kids at 19 in the 1940s. They just didn't view "being halfway to a comfortable retirement" as the prerequisite to having kids, the way my generation thinks it is.

The difference likely there is in the ‘40s you were seeing improvement after the Great Depression and employment during WWII, followed by the postwar boom. Whereas the past two generations have seen precarity increase while living standards falter if not drop compared to their parents’ generation. So they are striving to recreate what they once experienced in their childhood, yet may never return.

Also the entirety of society including their families emphasizing the importance of higher education, good careers, etc. even as the latter is harder to achieve and the former becomes increasingly devalued, yet pricy.