Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

171–180 of 802 posts

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#171

Post by devalexwells »

Just wanted to say thank you for this. In particular, the part where often it seems the "Founder mode" icons some evangelize (seem to) neglect their children and/or effectively put childrearing entirely on their partner.

I wish I had a good term (or some other concise way) to reject/criticize this aspect of tech culture.

I say founders above but I see it happen in lots of my peers who are simply workaholics. The closest saying I have (which I repeat often) is:

"The only people who will remember you worked late are your kids."

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#172

Post by ColdStream »

ryandrake wrote: post #61
blobbers wrote: post #23

I'm shocked by the amount of time people who don't have kids waste. So while PG may believe that people may have their "act already together" pre-kids, I sort of look at the amount of time people without kids waste and think "if only I had that much free time..."

At every point in my life after age 25 or so, I could look back 10 years and be appalled at how much time I wasted back then. 50-year-old me is angry at 40-year-old me for wasting my 40s, as 25-year-old me was angry at 15-year-old me for wasting my high school time. What a waste my youth always seems!

I generally tend to not have that feeling.

For me to feel like it is wasted is to put on a definition of the time period that wasn't there. It is internal personal fan fiction at that point.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

There is also the added point of whatever position you take, it is always a trade off with something else.

To be awfully reductionist. The fat people envy the skinny because their health is in check, the skinny envy the fat because they have a sense of care free freedom.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#173

Post by Aeolun »

This feels really weird. I feel like I’m far more productive than ever now, even with half the time spent and zero crunch. When I was younger I was flailing around doing tons of pointless shit. I could make up for that with more effort, but it doesn’t change that I can achieve the same result with far less effort now. So the output with children is more or less the same as before.

There’s also the simple fact that it’s much better for your productivity to play a round of tag than it is to attend another stupid meeting.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#174

Post by ElProlactin »

SoftTalker wrote: post #153
ElProlactin wrote: post #21

The author seems self-aware and I think there's a lot of good observations in this post. At the same time, I think ambition needs to be paired with humility and acceptance of you can't have it all . There's no perfect life. You can't optimize everything such that you achieve a hypothesized balance between all the things that are competing for your time and energy. In the final analysis, most people, if given the chan…

Kids are also not always a joy. I love my kids, and there were certainly moments of joy, mostly when they were young. As they grow up, they turn out to be their own people. They may ignore your advice and learn life lessons the hard way. They may not live up to the hopes you had for them. Be prepared for some disappointment. Doesn't mean that you don't love them, but they can be frustrating. To be fair, I'm sure I di…

Not sure what this has to do with the post?

Work is also not always a joy. Success is not always a joy.

But there's more than enough evidence to show that, when people look back on their lives, most of them most highly value their relationships and have the most regrets around how they managed those relationships.

Having a child doesn't guarantee happiness. Raising a child is not always going to be rainbows and I suppose learning to accept that the life you create doesn't mean you get to dictate what that life becomes is a form a wisdom. But none of this takes anything away from the experience if you accept it for what it really is.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#175

Post by ColdStream »

jongjong wrote: post #42
blobbers wrote: post #23

I'm shocked by the amount of time people who don't have kids waste. So while PG may believe that people may have their "act already together" pre-kids, I sort of look at the amount of time people without kids waste and think "if only I had that much free time..."

Yes. Before I became a dad, I didn't realize how physically and financially constrained people are with regards to number of kids that they have. For me and my wife, our first child took all our time, resources and energy. This was a shock to me because my parents had 4 children and never seemed to struggle. Also, they were much better off than me financially and could afford to hire help. My biggest achievement as a…

I appreciate the intention you and others are bringing. Not to be defeatist, but I do wonder how much of trying to set it straight sticks long term?

People have been trying to straighten things out for millennia and we are still in this predicament.

That isn't to say, don't try. It is to say, don't cling to an out come.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#176

Post by funnygiraffe »

blobbers wrote: post #23

I'm shocked by the amount of time people who don't have kids waste. So while PG may believe that people may have their "act already together" pre-kids, I sort of look at the amount of time people without kids waste and think "if only I had that much free time..."

Not sure this is fully accurate. Managing kids can use up one's will power or self control resources considerably. There can also be sleep deprivation with young children and other energy drain. I'm not really sure but my focus / ability to avoid distractions at work may actually have gotten worse since having kids.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#177

Post by Aeolun »

reillyse wrote: post #56
seabombs wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for sharing! I remember thinking pre-kids mostly about how much work they would be but not really considering the joy they bring too. Like I knew they would, but vastly underestimated what effect that would have on my life. I don't particularly regret any of my choices either, but knowing what I do now, would have chosen to have kids earlier in my life.

I find it funny that I spent my 20s and 30s doing everything in my power to avoid having kids and at this stage in my life I’m doing everything to have kids. I do feel that 30 year old me would definitely be in better shape to chase kids around.

> I do feel that 30 year old me would definitely be in better shape to chase kids around.

Can confirm that starting at 30 makes it relatively easy to keep up. Still not early enough though. Wish I’d started at 25.

It’s mostly a matter of effort though. You’ll become very good at it out of sheer need if you genuinely want to keep up. In far better shape now than I was at 30, mentally and physically.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#178

Post by ColdStream »

jsrozner wrote: post #49

First definition of ambition in merriam webster is "an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power." Ambition is basically definitionally antisocial. A desire to accumulate power is tantamount to a desire to accumulate wealth. Most ways to wealth these days involve finding ways to consume more of the world's resources or siphon resources to yourself. Consider refining word choice. (Though if your notion of ambition corres…

A flip on this reading. Rank, fame, and power all rely on others to enable it.

Sort of like how a narcissistic person ultimately needs others to validate them.

You aren't wrong, it just can be read two ways.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#179

Post by Aeolun »

sacul wrote: post #161
tedggh wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There’s never a right time to have kids. But having them older has its perks. You are much more calmed, patient, you are wiser and likely financially stable. Throwing money at problems definitely makes life 10X easier when you have kids, something most people can’t do in their 20s or even 30s.

I disagree. As a father of nine children, I submit that the best time to have children is when you’re young. The next best time is now . Sure, you’ll be poor, and you’ll make lots of mistakes. But how do you know you’ll be able to have children later? And what’s so important now that makes it worth putting off children?

You’ll feel poor anyhow. More money just means you want more.

I’ll say there’s benefits to having a single child, but not nearly as many as there are to have multiple.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#180

Post by Aeolun »

computerdork wrote: post #157
voidmain0001 wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This. I’m an old dad. I realized two years ago that to keep up with my pre-teens I had to change my lifestyle. For me that meant cutting out alcohol, not eating processed foods, avoiding sugar, reduced caffeine, way more protein and doing calisthenics. I sleep well and I have energy. I just have to keep this up for 10 more years when my youngest will be 21, then I can die. ;-)

Haha! Very interesting life goal - When your dependents have sucked all the life out of you, you can kick the bucket:) (And am sure it’s worth it)

Rather sounds like they’ve given them their life back.
Post reply on HN