Talking to strangers at the gym • Hacker News Board

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#351

Post by globular-toast » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:24 PM UTC

cloche wrote: post #281

globular-toast wrote: post #22

If you want to talk to men at the gym it's easy and no need for awkward scripts. Just ask for a spot. Most guys will feel honoured to be asked as you're showing trust in them. They'll spot you and then just talk about lifting. I met loads of guys this way. Don't talk to girls you're attracted to, though. They can tell. If they want you to talk to them they'll give you signs. But that's a whole other thing. The bullet…

> Don't talk to girls you're attracted to, though Are you only supposed to date girls you're not attracted to?

Of course not. You only date girls you are attracted to. You just don't meet them at the gym.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#352

Post by Larx-3 » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:24 PM UTC

noisy_boy wrote: post #332

Recently I went to the grocery store and as I entered the alcohol section, I saw a guy stacking the shelves. His hand slipped and the beer can jumped out but he showed impressive reflexes and caught it after couple of fumbles. There was no one else but him and me in the aisle. I enthusiastically pointed out, "I saw that! That was amazing, great reflexes!" and added that sometimes no one sees these but I will definite…

I think a big part of this is that men don't typically receive genuine compliments that often, especially from strangers or acquaintances. When it (rarely) does happen I feel like it can have a significant impact on their mood.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#353

Post by pickleballcourt » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:24 PM UTC

I think the important thing here is you weren't just approaching completely cold but people who you've seen a few times before, which then somewhat makes sense. I think if someone approached completely cold in gym it might not come of as well.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#354

Post by helterskelter » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:26 PM UTC

planet36 wrote: post #131

nozzlegear wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. FWIW this book came out in the 1930s, long before "red pilling" was a thing. I've read it before and it's not about manipulating people unless you consider being a genuinely sincere person to be manipulative in some way. It's a good book, if a little outdated, and,…

And "Remember their name".

Hah. I'm ADHD and I used to be terrible about remembering people's names -- like, their names didn't even register and I couldn't tell you what it was 30 seconds later. It wasn't that I didn't care about the person, it was just that their name would never stick. Anyway, I finally made enough people feel bad and embarrassed myself enough that I started compensating and made a point to remember basically everybody's name that I met. The change was really surprising, people notice that sort of thing and they make an effort to return the same kind of energy. My general attitude about people since then has become a lot more positive because I realized that overall, most people really don't need a whole lot of impetus to show their better side, and it's not like it costs me anything to treat somebody with a little more consideration.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#355

Post by meken » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:28 PM UTC

I was curious to get a sense for the overall "success rate" at a glance, so I uploaded the author's data as a spreadsheet and color-coded the conversations based on length (short=red, medium=yellow, long=green) with the help of Claude:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1VqMF0xWzJMXWNndeY4P1...

It's particularly nice if you zoom out so you can see all the rows at once.

I hope the author doesn't mind - if you do please tell me and I will take it down!

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#356

Post by fundad » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:29 PM UTC

parliament32 wrote: post #317

ryandrake wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Also it's kind of odd how nowadays everyone goes to the gym. Growing up as a late-stage millenial, gym goers were a niche subculture. Now it marketed to everyone everywhere as this integral part of modern daily life. GenX here and I feel the same way. To me, "The Gym" has always been a place where bodybuilders and muscle heads go. In my mind, it will always be a niche hobby like autocross racing or horseback riding…

I think it's because the general public figured out they'll die in their 50s if they don't. Modern life is too easy -- a substantial portion of the population spends their white-collar lives flying a desk, "socializing" via sitting around eating and drinking, hiring people to do their landscaping and housework.. hell, you don't even need to walk to get food anymore, both restaurant meals and groceries are delivered.…

I think about this a lot too. There always seems to be a fitness trend involving classes like aerobics, yoga, pilates, Taibo, Zumba. But if we're talking about weight training, it is definitely having a moment now.

I wonder if all the instructional content on Youtube makes training with weights and weight machines more accessible than ever. I was intimidated by weights and figured it would be boring. A guy I knew was talking about his weight training and I asked if he plans things out with friends/workout buddies and he said he learns about it on YouTube. So when I finally pushed myself to try weights, I found a video. It was a petite woman (I'm a dude) and I thought, ok she looks better than I do and this routine is a nice start. And I went from there, in my forties.

My funniest theory is that dating has been getting more competitive and strength-training is good for confidence.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#357

Post by globular-toast » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:31 PM UTC

wordpressed wrote: post #316

nasir wrote: post #27

Around 15 years ago I took on the challenge to start a conversation with random people to break through this barrier and train this muscle. What I started with was to chit chat with those I had already established an interaction. For example at the Starbucks I would say something to barista. Those interactions were short but broke the ice. Later I went for random people in the street and that was quite awkward. There…

I'm not saying this is you, but i've also ran into a lot of those people, almost always men, often in their late 30s or 40s, going around talking to everyone cracking jokes and thinking they're the live of the party, while everyone else is just silently annoyed by them.

I've encountered a fair few women like that too. How annoying they are is inversely proportional to how attractive they are, obviously.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#358

Post by SJMG » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:33 PM UTC

Aurornis wrote: post #219

SJMG wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> However when someone is at the gym and another stranger asks them to stop and do a favor that takes time out of their gym visit it’s just annoying, not a friendship starter. Might be the place you live; this is not my experience at all. I ask randos to spot me every week. People love to help out. Sometimes they'll even keep an eye on you in case you have another set and come offering.

I think you’re missing the point. The original advice wasn’t actually about the spot, it was about coming up with a “favor” to ask to trick someone into being friendly. If you’re just asking for advice or a legitimate assistance and then moving on then there is absolutely no problem with that because it’s honest from beginning to end. My point is don’t go out of your way to seek favors from people because you think i…

I'm not missing the point; you made several. The one I engaged I quoted for you. You can see from the sibling comments that several of us took issue with it.

For what it's worth, I agree with your last position about just being honest. If anything, a finding like this should just move the asking of small favors from a stranger towards the norm.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#359

Post by philsnow » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:34 PM UTC

xp84 wrote: post #311

drivers99 wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I remember the book saying something like "a person's name is the most beautiful sound in the world to them." The book may say to say their name back to them (I don't remember right now), but that's not what I took away from it. It reminded me of when people would make fun of my name (first and/or last) or bring up someone famous who has the same first ("Donald Duck") or last name ("are you related Joan Rivers?"), or…

You’re for sure right about the name thing. It’s so hard to resist commenting on names for a lot of people, I think, due to the extreme asymmetry of novelty. When you meet someone named Michael Jackson, that’s such novel information to you: “there’s a guy right here in front of me who is named the same thing as a famous musician!” Meanwhile, from Michael’s perspective, they’ve been named Michael Jackson and getting c…

They might like to hear "Michael Jackson? Like the guy who wrote the book about scotch??" once in a while

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#360

Post by DougN7 » Mon, May 04, 2026, 5:34 PM UTC

It absolutely delights me to see someone overcome something that is hard for them. We all have them. When I read about someone succeeding like this, I look at myself and find the next one on the (long!) list and decide to work on it.