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Talking to strangers at the gym

thienantran.com

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Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#301

Post by subscribed »

soperj wrote: post #234
crazygringo wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which is why you should only give warranted compliments. You're right, telling someone bald that they have a great head of hair is not going to work well. Fortunately, virtually everyone has something you can compliment them about. Even if they're a surly old frumpy shopkeeper, maybe they keep their store super clean and organized. Maybe you're impressed by their loyalty to serving the community for so many decades.…

I guess I should edit it to just compliments are my biggest red flag, and it's born out of experience. These people are looking for something either now or in the future, and this bullshit false niceness is simply their way of cultivating a network of people that they can use.

[flagged]

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#303

Post by jvm___ »

sebastiennight wrote: post #246
TheAtomic wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My father gave me this book when I was 12 or 13. It unlocked everything, sort of permission for my teen self to put himself out there. Years later, I've made friends all over the world, some have been in my life for more than 3 decades now, and I continue to make new ones basically by initiating a lot of conversations. I look for something to naturally lean into to start with. For example, I saw a guy in the coffee p…

Would you say the reading level of the book is easy enough for a young kid? Did you struggle at all in reading it?

Don't read the original, find a more abridged copy. The original gives too many examples for each point.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#304

Post by 98codes »

hlynurd wrote: post #290
windowshopping wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in the same boat as you before I heard enough good things about it that I checked it out. After all, if it was really bad, I would be able to tell as much and stop reading it, nothing lost. I can confirm it's really good. It's not manipulative at all. The book can large be summed up as "if you want other people to care about you and your desires, you need to care about them and theirs and SHOW them that this is…

> "if you want other people to care about you and your desires, you need to care about them and theirs and SHOW them that this is the case: here's how." Isn't this highly manipulative?

Only if you think of it that way -- making every human interaction purely transactional.

Conversely, there's something I've used as a guiding principle for a while now that isn't quite the same, but in the same direction: to receive help, be helpful.

Both of these also fall under the greater umbrella of "treat others as you would like to be treated".

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#305

Post by subscribed »

cm2012 wrote: post #177
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

I read this book when I was 18 and took it to heart. I love complimenting people. Its such a joy.

Especially if you keep in mind some get a low single digits through their life, so every single one matters.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#306

Post by nkg »

I live in a small town and I have noticed that I just have be outside and look available. I may be gardening, washing my car or just hanging, and people will randomly stop to start conversations, or just say "hey". That reminds me of our grandparents and how they used to just sit on the front porch and someone would see them, start chatting, and maybe come in and have tea. We've lost those moments of availability.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#307

Post by yodsanklai »

hombre_fatal wrote: post #277
yodsanklai wrote: post #243

> “do your hobby with other people, frequently”. I think it's decent advice, but from my experience, it can take years to make friends that way. I practiced various sports my whole life in the context of sport clubs (martial arts, climbing, snowboarding, swimming...). The way it worked for me is that after months, sometimes years of chitchatting with same people over and over, I barely made any good friends from that…

The unstated bit is that you have an incidental excuse to talk to them (compared to cold approaching in other contexts) but you still need to talk to them. Everything depends on you making the effort.

Compared to a gym, the class setting almost forces you to talk to people. I wouldn't see myself talking to people in a gym, but in a snowboarding club or martial arts class, or a group hike, it's difficult not to. Once you exchanged a few words, even for the sake of an exercise, the ice is already broken. At the very least, you'll say hi the next time you see that person.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#308

Post by jsharpe »

dimxasnewfrozen wrote: post #240
setgree wrote: post #11

Good for you, OP! Climbing gyms are especially good for making friends because you are working on problems with people. My gym has a weekly meet up for people looking for belay partners as well as classes where folks talk. Crossfit might also do the trick, as might a running club. Good luck!

I used to rock climb in gyms a lot. I stopped going because I found the people there incredibly irritating (didn't matter on the gym). The things that irritated me: 1) People would immediately jump on the route I was on after seeing I struggled. Cool flex. 2) Unsolicited advice. Thanks, but I'm here minding my own business I generally have a hard time connecting with people like OP but found that I was able to find g…

I can see why people would be irritated by 1 and 2 and they happen to me too, but I have just reframed how I think about them.

If someone jumps on something I'm struggling with, I take it as an opportunity to really pay attention to what they're doing and try to learn. They might just be way stronger, but they probably also have some better technique ideas.

For #2, I just take it as a slightly awkward attempt to reach out and socialize. Advice isn't harmful. At worst it's a mild spoiler (oh well), or just wrong (then ignore it). At best it's a great chance to learn something.

I'm awkward and it's rare for me to start a conversation, so I just take someone else talking to me as an opportunity to connect without having to make the awkward first step, and try to spend a minute or two (at least) talking with the person.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#309

Post by dpark »

hlynurd wrote: post #290
windowshopping wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in the same boat as you before I heard enough good things about it that I checked it out. After all, if it was really bad, I would be able to tell as much and stop reading it, nothing lost. I can confirm it's really good. It's not manipulative at all. The book can large be summed up as "if you want other people to care about you and your desires, you need to care about them and theirs and SHOW them that this is…

> "if you want other people to care about you and your desires, you need to care about them and theirs and SHOW them that this is the case: here's how." Isn't this highly manipulative?

It’s basically “If you want to be liked, you should try to be likable.”

Is the only way to not be manipulative to be a curmudgeonly jerk?

If being pleasant means being manipulative, then indeed everyone should try to be a bit more manipulative.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#310

Post by alexjplant »

alexmuresan wrote: post #98
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

> instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more.

I've never read this book but have learned through cultural osmosis that this practice largely originated from it. I always found it rather stilted and ever since discovering where it came from I view it with a degree of suspicion. A contrasting, more generous reading is that the people who read the book and do this are trying to do more of the "win friends" part than "influence people." I'm also notoriously bad with names so I can't really blame somebody for perhaps trying to use mine verbally to commit it to memory :-).

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