Earlier quoted context omitted.
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I recommend talking that projection over with a therapist, rather than pseudonymous HN commenters.
Always solid advice.
Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
181–190 of 218 posts
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#182> And the men that had spent longer looking after babies showed the largest drops in testosterone. Those that shared a bed with their infants also had lower levels. Dad here. Maybe…it’s the lack of sleep? Involved fathers tend to have less sleep.
Yes, chronically disturbed sleep is the obvious confounder and is well known to drop T and explains the observed small changes a lot better.
If human babies actually evolved to be the terrors they are in order to lower fathers testosterone levels/chill them out that would be wild.
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#183Earlier quoted context omitted.
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> It’s probably unnatural for adult men to spend much time with tiny children in the first place. Sorry, what? The framing of this sentence alone has a very creepy vibe. I can't speak for all of us, but most us have strong protective instincts towards kids of all ages, especially the youngest ones. > This is why many men find it difficult, it is contrary to instinct. Contrary to whose instinct? If I had a kid, I woul…
Sadly, we are barely civilized. A hundred-thousand of years need to pass to make hormones civilization compatible. We have prehistoric hardware -hormones- and modern software -law, rites, supposed behaviour. Current law is like a dog slow virtual machine running under a Pentium MMX and some software on it. Picture subleq/muxleq running Eforth under 233 MHZ based CPU running an ASCII Art Mandelblot with integers. At least you will need a minute or two to render it.
Biology it's the same, hormones run much faster than social customs.
We tried with religion/law, which the 'original sin' it's just a metaphor on hormone drived behaviours VS the learned behaviours in order to create a successful civilization/trive/society without wars. Probably that happened after last big ice defrosting.
Geologically speaking, we are civilized beings since 'yesterday'.
We tried that by force: Stalinisms, religion based totalitarian states, nazism creating a demon scapegoat... they failed. You can't drive changes on decades. It's impossible. Humanities' people fail to understand this. You need an effort of millenia in order to get some visible results.
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#184Not to the direct thesis of the article, but I want to share one absolute 180 I had after having kids. Before kiddos I took the apriori belief that it would kinda suck. The belief was unassailable because I thought, evolutionarily, if it was fun to have kids it wouldn't be fun to make them - otherwise we'd endure unfun "making" because we know the having would be fun. I know now how stupid that was on many levels. Ju…
Ah I wish I could agree. I've found having kids to be a major challenge. Maybe I just need to wait for them to get a little older.
Don't worry, you're not alone. I get depressed when I read stories from gushing fathers online. It isn't their fault, of course they're allowed to report how happy fatherhood makes them, but my experience has been very different to what others report.
Every day with children for the last 6 years has been filled with crying, screaming, meltdowns, barely eating any type of food, and what they do eat changes from day to do, exhausting endless requests, so little free time. As a couple, my wife and I barely cope and our marriage is just about clinging on because we're exhausted and scrappy all the time.
I just don't recognise the life that online dads seem to have. I wish I was like them.
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#185Earlier quoted context omitted.
> It’s probably unnatural for adult men to spend much time with tiny children in the first place. Sorry, what? The framing of this sentence alone has a very creepy vibe. I can't speak for all of us, but most us have strong protective instincts towards kids of all ages, especially the youngest ones. > This is why many men find it difficult, it is contrary to instinct. Contrary to whose instinct? If I had a kid, I woul…
Sadly, we are barely civilized. A hundred-thousand of years need to pass to make hormones civilization compatible. We have prehistoric hardware -hormones- and modern software -law, rites, supposed behaviour. Current law is like a dog slow virtual machine running under a Pentium MMX and some software on it. Picture subleq/muxleq running Eforth under 233 MHZ based CPU running an ASCII Art Mandelblot with integers . At…
Speak for yourself, it seems like you’re really invested in something biological being “at fault” for something. You’re thread sitting which is never a good look, but worse still when you are spouting some kind of personal philosophy held up as science.
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#186Earlier quoted context omitted.
Ok, you may consider it easy after 5, and kudos to you, but kids are definitely not “not difficult.” I agree that it’s the most natural thing, and I consider most of my time spent elsewhere to be a waste, but our youngest is very active and worrying about her wellbeing for extended periods is definitely exhausting!
I was unclear. I meant it's not difficult to feel nurturing towards them and form a bond. That's what I thought the OP meant about being difficult.
That’s not what I meant.
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#187Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#188Earlier quoted context omitted.
As the biological features of slavers and slaves put together towards sustaining a plantation.
You have no idea what you are talking about and it shows. Pop science, you say, from Jorge Laborda? https://www.researchgate.net/scientific-contributions/Jorge-... American Social Pseudosciences should shut up their Sokal-like mouth and learn the basics for once and all. They did tests and trials on how human males and females do orient themselves on distinct environments. Females used points and clues from the envir…
Yepp, that blog link you posted, from whoever this Jorge Laborda may be, is just 3 paragraphs recapping snippets from that book, it's right in the first line: "Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps", by Allan Pease.
Since you like to appeal the authority of Some Dude, let me give it to you straight from the "About the Author" section from goodreads.com[1] of your sources.
Are you ready?
> Allan Pease is an Australian author and motivational speaker. Despite having no education in psychology, neuroscience, or psychiatry, he has managed to establish himself as an "expert on relationships". Originally a musician, he became a successful life insurance salesman, he started a career as a speaker and trainer in sales and latterly in body language. This resulted in a popular sideline of audio tapes, many of which feature his irreverent wit.
Hahahahahaha, I literally couldn't make this shit up. Good luck out there, buddy!
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#189As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24 … I will say that I believe some of this is true. Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well. You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.
"As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24…" You and I are akin (I waited a decade longer to start a family though.) I definitely see my life as divided between before and after having had kids. I mean that's pretty obvious—and you can find any other big event in life and make that claim. But for me there has been nothing more dramatic to have redirected my own life. To the point that (and t…
> I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness
My kids are young enough that I don’t need to worry about it yet, but I can totally see how I might have the same issue. Beyond just myself, my partner is just as invested in the kids and I can foresee needing to rediscover ourselves together. Do you have any advice, tips, or insights for new empty nesters?
Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
#190Earlier quoted context omitted.
"As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24…" You and I are akin (I waited a decade longer to start a family though.) I definitely see my life as divided between before and after having had kids. I mean that's pretty obvious—and you can find any other big event in life and make that claim. But for me there has been nothing more dramatic to have redirected my own life. To the point that (and t…
> I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness My kids are young enough that I don’t need to worry about it yet, but I can totally see how I might have the same issue. Beyond just myself, my partner is just as invested in the kids and I can foresee needing to rediscover ourselves together. Do you have any advice, tips, or insights for new empty nesters?
Not really. I can say though that it is true—my wife and I suddenly can enjoy just the two of us gong out to dinner on a Friday night again.
It's hard trying to remember what it was we did before the kids. In some ways it doesn't matter though—we're both a lot older and we probably would not do many of the same things.
We've also at this point spent decades together, working together on the family. It's nice to just work on an electronics project. And I think my wife is happy to go knit or make a quilt. So we do out own things—just across the room from each other.