Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Alone Together, Again

al3x.net

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

121–130 of 135 posts

Re: Alone Together, Again

#121

Post by Imagenuity »

enraged_camel wrote: post #110
SoftwareMaven wrote: post #17

I spent so much time trying to organize the life that I thought I wanted. It wasn’t the same as living. Every single time I've tried to push my life in a direction, tried to bend it to my will, it has blown up in my face. So, while I have things I'd like to do and places I'd like to go, I've learned to just let things unfold as they may. I try to influence and guide it, but I don't push it anymore. I think it comes d…

It's funny you call it a "lesson" because I learned the exact opposite "lesson." It came to me several years ago when I was visiting an aquarium in Hawaii, out of all places. One of the videos they were showing explained the life that plankton live. These are micro-organisms that literally drift in the ocean and go wherever the currents take them. And in the end, most are eaten by a larger organism. One might argue t…

Living your life as plankton is the same thing as never going outside your comfort zone. And while a minuscule few have great things fall into their lap, most of us have to push outside the comfort zone to find anything meaningful and worthwhile in life.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#122

Post by darklajid »

anothermachine wrote: post #116
darklajid wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Disclaimer: Not from the US, but married (~2 years~) and kid (~2 weeks~): I don't like marriage, as an institution. I'm married, because I'm quite certain that I want to stay with this person, because of tax benefits and a clearly defined situation for offsprings (from 'parental rights' to banal things like 'last name of the little one'). Without that, I couldn't care less about marriage (yes, my wife knows that pov)…

> Disclaimer: Not from the US, but married (~2 years~) and kid (~2 weeks~): You have more important things to be doing right now than hang out on HN. Take care of your baby, take care of your wife, and sleep when you have a moment off from those.

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. There are these times when you're totally wasted, tired like hell but still cannot find sleep.

Nexus 7 and HN to the rescue. :)

Re: Alone Together, Again

#123

Post by cowpewter »

flog wrote: post #49
sakopov wrote: post #24

This June i jokingly told my fiance "I wish you a great husband" on her birthday. She laughed. I laughed. 2 months later and 1 month before our wedding we separated in the most disgusting, disturbing way possible. The joke was also on me. I was alone and devastated. Then suicidal. Then just hopeless and completely alone. I'm not sure i know how to cope with this. Life as a gigantic lesson, never meant to be completel…

My experience was close to that. A year and a half on I still sometimes wake up from nightmares about it. But it gets better. My initial response was deeply rational, like me personality type, and I tried to analyse every little thing. The truth, I think, is that in the end, the universe is ambivalent. Life goes on. I have a post it note on my wall which I refer to often: "#1 man rule: I'll be fine". Men need to reme…

Sounds like a human rule, not just a man rule. Everything always works out. Not necessarily how you'd expect but it does.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#124

Post by shawn-butler »

kamaal wrote: post #47
pdeuchler wrote: post #12

Thank you so much for posting this Alex. I'm young enough for marriage to seem distant, and my parents are still married, yet more than half of the children I grew up with had divorced parents and I have several separated family members. It's not uncommon for most of the families on a suburb block to be divorced, especially in certain areas (most of my affluent white friends had antagonistically divorced parents, mai…

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Greed. Americans generally define themselves by those things they perceive they lack (bigger house on the bay, their neighbor's spouse, etc etc).

Then with the rise of feminism, marriage becomes some prison to be escaped with little consequences. Unhappy, divorced parents leads to children disaffected with marriage and the rate falls with each generation.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#125

Post by shawn-butler »

anothermachine wrote: post #119
apgwoz wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Don't put so much stock in an online dating algorithm. I wouldn't put so much stock in someone like eHarmony, but OkCupid--sure! Those guys use math! disclaimer: I work for OkCupid Labs.

eHarmony uses math! OKCupid uses reader-generated surveys.

I would say eHarmony relies on pyschology; okCupid on sociology or anthropology.

Was somewhat disappointed when okCupid was acquired by match.com.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#126

Post by shawn-butler »

gcv wrote: post #89
kamaal wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Let me ask a related and unpopular question: what purpose does marriage serve in today's world? For people with religious convictions, I understand: your god(s) hate you if you have relationships not sanctioned by your religious authorities. I am specifically asking about secular people in the US and Europe, who choose to enter a contract with the government about their personal lives. Is it taxes? It seems much easi…

Very little. Even less with the acceptance and inevitable legality of same-sex marriage.

I cringe whenever it happens but this is one of those things the social right wing seems to be correct on. Marriage should be about giving legal protection to the relationship that best serves the raising of healthy children. How it gets twisted into a debate about equality I have never understood.

We should just abolish the institution altogether.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#127

Post by shawn-butler »

There is nothing meaningful or worthwhile in life, just living until you aren't. A lot of comments talk about flow or busyness and there is some truth that we find some happiness in adding to ourselves. That is, in perfecting a skill so that it becomes "second nature." I'm not entirely convinced; it seems like it's just a way to distract your awareness from the reality of your existence.

There is an old Chinese proverb (the beauty of which is probably lost in the butchery of my translation):

"Life is like honey-gathering bees, After collecting all the honey from myriad flowers, They age and their labor leaves them with nothing."

Re: Alone Together, Again

#128

Post by darklajid »

randomdata wrote: post #105
darklajid wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Disclaimer: Not from the US, but married (~2 years~) and kid (~2 weeks~): I don't like marriage, as an institution. I'm married, because I'm quite certain that I want to stay with this person, because of tax benefits and a clearly defined situation for offsprings (from 'parental rights' to banal things like 'last name of the little one'). Without that, I couldn't care less about marriage (yes, my wife knows that pov)…

the reason for a high rate of divorce is: Lazyness Do you feel the same could be said about non-marriage relationships that end? As someone who is married, I see absolutely no difference between getting divorced now and breaking up with a partner before getting married.

I agree.

But that's kind of my point: What's in a marriage, if not 'stability' or the vow to keep it going? If you agree that this isn't the case anymore for large parts of the world, what's the value or meaning of being married?

Of course non-marriage relationships fail all the time and the very same impatient / lazy outlook on life might be part of the reason. I'm just arguing that marriage was meant to (in culture, religion) be different.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#129

Post by randomdata »

darklajid wrote: post #128
randomdata wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

the reason for a high rate of divorce is: Lazyness Do you feel the same could be said about non-marriage relationships that end? As someone who is married, I see absolutely no difference between getting divorced now and breaking up with a partner before getting married.

I agree. But that's kind of my point: What's in a marriage, if not 'stability' or the vow to keep it going? If you agree that this isn't the case anymore for large parts of the world, what's the value or meaning of being married? Of course non-marriage relationships fail all the time and the very same impatient / lazy outlook on life might be part of the reason. I'm just arguing that marriage was meant to (in culture…

- what's the value or meaning of being married?

I don't think it needs to have any value or meaning.

What is the meaning in, say, receiving a diploma/degree? I've never once looked back and thought, boy, I'm sure glad I have that piece of paper. The education I received remains with or without it. The recognition means absolutely nothing. It is really just an excuse to celebrate something going on in your life.

- I'm just arguing that marriage was meant to (in culture, religion) be different.

There seems to be two schools on this matter:

1. It was once traditionally illegal for mixed-race couples to be together, and marriage provided a licence from the state to allow those relationships on a case-by-case basis.

2. Alternatively, women were once thought to be the inferior gender and were pressured to bend to the wishes of their husband, and the marriage license made that control legally binding to a single entity.

Neither are socially acceptable anymore, thus any historical usage of marriage has been lost.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#130

Post by cgislason »

enraged_camel wrote: post #110
SoftwareMaven wrote: post #17

I spent so much time trying to organize the life that I thought I wanted. It wasn’t the same as living. Every single time I've tried to push my life in a direction, tried to bend it to my will, it has blown up in my face. So, while I have things I'd like to do and places I'd like to go, I've learned to just let things unfold as they may. I try to influence and guide it, but I don't push it anymore. I think it comes d…

It's funny you call it a "lesson" because I learned the exact opposite "lesson." It came to me several years ago when I was visiting an aquarium in Hawaii, out of all places. One of the videos they were showing explained the life that plankton live. These are micro-organisms that literally drift in the ocean and go wherever the currents take them. And in the end, most are eaten by a larger organism. One might argue t…

I personally find it useful to have a plankton mode and a shark mode, switching between them as necessary. Drifting is useful at times, but you definitely miss out on many of the best parts of life if you don't push yourself.
Post reply on HN