Alone Together, Again • Hacker News Board

Re: Alone Together, Again

#101

Post by jacalata » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 6:54 PM UTC

gcv wrote: post #89

kamaal wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Let me ask a related and unpopular question: what purpose does marriage serve in today's world? For people with religious convictions, I understand: your god(s) hate you if you have relationships not sanctioned by your religious authorities. I am specifically asking about secular people in the US and Europe, who choose to enter a contract with the government about their personal lives. Is it taxes? It seems much easi…

In Washington State, domestic partnerships do not exist unless you are over 65 or (until now) if you were gay and therefore inelegible to marry. To figure out what rights and benefits are available only to married people, you can probably go look at some of the groups arguing for the right to gay marriage - they usually have a list of what will be gained.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#102

Post by kolleykibber » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 7:01 PM UTC

kamaal wrote: post #47

pdeuchler wrote: post #12

Thank you so much for posting this Alex. I'm young enough for marriage to seem distant, and my parents are still married, yet more than half of the children I grew up with had divorced parents and I have several separated family members. It's not uncommon for most of the families on a suburb block to be divorced, especially in certain areas (most of my affluent white friends had antagonistically divorced parents, mai…

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

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Re: Alone Together, Again

#103

Post by randomdata » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 7:56 PM UTC

jdietrich wrote: post #37

colmvp wrote: post #3

“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.” Louis CK

Bullshit. I personally know of at least two marriages that ended in divorce for reasons entirely unrelated to the quality of the relationship - one or both parties had a mid-life crisis, tried to reinvent themselves to assuage their existential angst, divorced, utterly alienated their partner in the process and ended up bitterly regretting it. Deciding to divorce doesn't mean that your marriage is bad, it just means…

one or both parties had a mid-life crisis, tried to reinvent themselves to assuage their existential angst, divorced, utterly alienated their partner in the process and ended up bitterly regretting it.

I seem to recall a study that showed many partners were much happier with each other after the pressures of marriage were removed from their relationship. I think there is a strong argument to be made that the actions and later regret of those people you refer to is a direct result of having no "escape hatch" in marriage. Destroying everything you have is often the only way out, even if it would have been prudent for the couple to just end the marriage and keep the relationship. But that brings us back to the parent's point: Who ends a marriage to increase the happiness of the relationship? Nobody. Divorce implies an end.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#104

Post by philwelch » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 8:17 PM UTC

bruceboughton wrote: post #64

colmvp wrote: post #3

“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.” Louis CK

As a non-American who has not seen Louis CK's show, I cannot see why he is so often quoted around here. If this is an example of his jokes, then they do not reveal any great philosophical thinking.

Can you name any comedians who do express great philosophical thinking?

Besides, it's a performance art--just reading the jokes written down is never going to be as funny.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#105

Post by randomdata » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 8:25 PM UTC

darklajid wrote: post #74

kamaal wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Disclaimer: Not from the US, but married (~2 years~) and kid (~2 weeks~): I don't like marriage, as an institution. I'm married, because I'm quite certain that I want to stay with this person, because of tax benefits and a clearly defined situation for offsprings (from 'parental rights' to banal things like 'last name of the little one'). Without that, I couldn't care less about marriage (yes, my wife knows that pov)…

the reason for a high rate of divorce is: Lazyness

Do you feel the same could be said about non-marriage relationships that end? As someone who is married, I see absolutely no difference between getting divorced now and breaking up with a partner before getting married.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#106

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 8:32 PM UTC

gcv wrote: post #89

kamaal wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Let me ask a related and unpopular question: what purpose does marriage serve in today's world? For people with religious convictions, I understand: your god(s) hate you if you have relationships not sanctioned by your religious authorities. I am specifically asking about secular people in the US and Europe, who choose to enter a contract with the government about their personal lives. Is it taxes? It seems much easi…

[deleted]

Re: Alone Together, Again

#107

Post by toomuchtodo » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 9:14 PM UTC

flog wrote: post #49

sakopov wrote: post #24

This June i jokingly told my fiance "I wish you a great husband" on her birthday. She laughed. I laughed. 2 months later and 1 month before our wedding we separated in the most disgusting, disturbing way possible. The joke was also on me. I was alone and devastated. Then suicidal. Then just hopeless and completely alone. I'm not sure i know how to cope with this. Life as a gigantic lesson, never meant to be completel…

My experience was close to that. A year and a half on I still sometimes wake up from nightmares about it. But it gets better. My initial response was deeply rational, like me personality type, and I tried to analyse every little thing. The truth, I think, is that in the end, the universe is ambivalent. Life goes on. I have a post it note on my wall which I refer to often: "#1 man rule: I'll be fine". Men need to reme…

I needed reminding of this, hence the tattoo I got: This Too Shall Pass.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#108

Post by milesf » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 9:21 PM UTC

btilly wrote: post #22

colmvp wrote: post #3

“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.” Louis CK

Yeah, sounds great, but not exactly true. There are therapists out there who push their clients to blame everything on their marriage and get divorce. Some marriages that were working perfectly well until the poor therapy ended in divorce, to the later regret (at different times) of both members. So at the moment of divorce there was unhappiness. But what marriage does not have periods of stress? But the marriage its…

I sought council from a professional years ago for something I was going through. Their advice was to leave my wife and two kids. I got out of there office. Fast.

I got through that valley in my life, and I've been happily married over 12 years.

There are some people in this world you simply must avoid. There is also advice out there that's pure poison. I don't think taking marriage advice from a cynical, divorced comedian is a great idea.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#109

Post by zatara » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 9:34 PM UTC

gcv wrote: post #89

kamaal wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just curious to know, as somebody from India. What are leading causes for divorce in the US? I used to hear that, alimony is one reason why many women would get married to somebody rich and then divorce them. I can understand that divorces happen due to incompatibility reasons. But 50% is too high a number for that reason alone. Also I've heard marriage rates itself in the west are quite low. Never understood the log…

Let me ask a related and unpopular question: what purpose does marriage serve in today's world? For people with religious convictions, I understand: your god(s) hate you if you have relationships not sanctioned by your religious authorities. I am specifically asking about secular people in the US and Europe, who choose to enter a contract with the government about their personal lives. Is it taxes? It seems much easi…

If you think that founding a start-up is tough, wait until you have children. Raising them (properly) is the toughest and most rewarding job that one can have...

Marriage is just a way that society found to keep both parties more committed into it.

Re: Alone Together, Again

#110

Post by enraged_camel » Mon, Nov 12, 2012, 10:01 PM UTC

SoftwareMaven wrote: post #17

I spent so much time trying to organize the life that I thought I wanted. It wasn’t the same as living. Every single time I've tried to push my life in a direction, tried to bend it to my will, it has blown up in my face. So, while I have things I'd like to do and places I'd like to go, I've learned to just let things unfold as they may. I try to influence and guide it, but I don't push it anymore. I think it comes d…

It's funny you call it a "lesson" because I learned the exact opposite "lesson."

It came to me several years ago when I was visiting an aquarium in Hawaii, out of all places. One of the videos they were showing explained the life that plankton live. These are micro-organisms that literally drift in the ocean and go wherever the currents take them. And in the end, most are eaten by a larger organism. One might argue that this is a fine way for a plankton to live, because their "purpose" in life is to end up as food for something else.

And many humans live their lives as plankton. Why? The simplest and most realistic answer is that it's the path of least resistance. It's much easier to drift in life and go wherever the currents take you, than to try to swim and go where you actually want to go. But to say (or, in the article's case, imply) that this is the right "lesson" is a bit annoying.

After that aquarium visit, I had about a week to think things true. And I realized that I had lived my life as a plankton up until then, and it had not resulted in much happiness. I was always reacting what was happening to me, and letting people push me around much like ocean currents push plankton around. In the end, I decided that I would rather be a shark. And that's when my life started to change for the better in almost every way.