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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#261

Post by metalliqaz »

coneonthefloor wrote: post #251
tavavex wrote: post #239

> On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare? I don't know, it seems like parenthood asks for a lot to be given up. Younger people like myself are already struggling to live on their own where I am. There's not a lot that can be spared by most of us. To me, having a child means heavily straining your financial safety - here, care for this…

You exist solely to procreate. I could not imagine an emptier life, than one without children.

I think this is an unconsidered opinion.

For example, I wonder how many monks or priests would agree with you.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#262

Post by caaqil »

sublinear wrote: post #224
neonnoodle wrote: post #205

I often wonder in these threads what proportion of the commenters is male. HN skews heavily male, and statistically speaking, fathers are spared a huge chunk of the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Being a mom and being a dad are not equivalent, and I have a feeling that not many male HNers would readily swap places if such thing were possible.

I don't mean to inject politics, but there's a huge mental burden on fathers with more conservative values that take their role seriously. Unfortunately, there's no way to elaborate what I mean on HN or much of the web without stirring up a ton of pointless argument. People will just get defensive and refuse to consider perspectives they can't agree with.

Instead of the ceremonial complaint and preemptive whining, why don't you consider making the argument coherently and see how people respond?

Ironically, the pointless arguments you so despise (and refuse to invite) offer more than whatever utility this comment has.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#263

Post by pstuart »

One of the most challenging aspects of being a parent (at least for me) is dealing with the kids not interested in cooperating or listening/learning. Their mother and I spent a great deal on music lessons and it was a challenge to get them to practice, and I was unable to coerce them to practice so they could reap the rewards of being able to create music themselves.

And just in general, giving guidance and seeing that look on their faces that means they're just waiting for you to stop talking so they can go on with their lives.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#264

Post by pstuart »

drfloyd51 wrote: post #214
socalgal2 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still judge parents, because I compare them to other parents. Good parents = kids not 100% glued to phones/tablets, social around friends and family, not throwing tantrums at 8-16 yrs old. Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums, kids basically always getting their way because they've learned parents will always give in, parents and kids 100% ignoring each other. One set of friends - I go to visit, I play with…

Trust me. Don’t judge. Even if you compare to other parents, you are judging the reference-parents. If you have data over time you can draw conclusions on things you want to try as a parent.

Agreed. It's not nature vs nurture, it's nature (with nurture sanding off some rough edges).

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#266

Post by orochimaaru »

Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

Kids need to be out of the house and so do you. From the 2 kids I have (currently teen/tween) outdoors - as in unpaved trails, state parks or such if you have them close by - were the best.

They find enough there to keep themselves entertained. It’s amazing how much interest deer poop can generate.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#267

Post by AndrewDucker »

liveoneggs wrote: post #253
neonnoodle wrote: post #205

I often wonder in these threads what proportion of the commenters is male. HN skews heavily male, and statistically speaking, fathers are spared a huge chunk of the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Being a mom and being a dad are not equivalent, and I have a feeling that not many male HNers would readily swap places if such thing were possible.

Isn't it convenient that nature has already placed us in our respective roles and given us the necessary strengths to handle our different but equally important roles? It's such a tragedy that one might feel compelled to weigh the burdens of motherhood vs fatherhood as if either side had a choice in the matter or as if there is some kind of competition to be won.

The only roles that nature put you into are carrying the baby and giving birth (and possibly breastfeeding). Everything else can be done by both parents.

(I'm a dad, who does do half of everything with the kids. It is possible, it's just a lot of stuff to do.)

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#268

Post by bdangubic »

antonyt wrote: post #197
bdangubic wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

name one that would make me care about what happens to earth after I depart?

Are you capable of empathy only for people related to you?

related to me - sure. but there is a huge difference between related to me and my child

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#269

Post by briHass »

ergocoder wrote: post #249
neonnoodle wrote: post #205

I often wonder in these threads what proportion of the commenters is male. HN skews heavily male, and statistically speaking, fathers are spared a huge chunk of the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Being a mom and being a dad are not equivalent, and I have a feeling that not many male HNers would readily swap places if such thing were possible.

Assuming the income stays the same, I'd happily swap places. I suspect many people would. There are 2 further points: 1. I'd say the ideal setting is for both parents to work and hire a sitter even though it might financially net the same (or affordably negative) as having one stay-at-home parent. Because a human needs community and diverse things to do, not just one thing over and over everyday for years. Both of th…

While stay at home parenting isn't, and shouldn't have to be, for everyone, it also isn't somehow a downgrade from being in the working world. If anything is doing something 'over and over', it's trudging to some job to push papers/keyboard keys around for 8+ hours.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#270

Post by briHass »

genthree wrote: post #221
waynesonfire wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is significant suffering in the world. You and everyone else are drawing lottery tickets everyday. Kids are far from its only source or cause. I'm ill equipped to unpack the meaning of life, but I am certain that suffering is fundamental--your comment is probing at this idea. This is a very difficult subject since there exists un-imaginable suffering and it's hard to reconcile that. That life is a gift under th…

I think a lot of folks don't consider that each child comes with a high-enough-to-worry-about risk of negatively affecting the life of everyone in your family to a level on par with one of the adults in your family becoming permanently and severely disabled relatively early in life. Yeah sure we also risk some micromorts and the life-altering-disability equivalent every time we drive a car or get a sunburn, all right…

Amor fati.
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