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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#241

Post by mothballed »

whateveracct wrote: post #190
hotfrost wrote: post #59

I would really like to have kids, but I don’t have my act together. I also feel like my partner is not suitable or capable of properly taking care of our kids. Feels pretty awful and am scared to not have any kids as I grow older. I worked hard to get a good relationship with my partner, and now that we have one I worry kids will only ruin what we have now

your world will change in that hospital room the first day or two together with the new person in your family. it really is seismic.

I never felt that and I attribute whatever happens to most people there as the reason why I never understood parenthood quite the way most people do. It seems as if most parents have some kind of 'drug' that dumps in their veins when they are around their kids. It's interesting to read about because it's like hearing an alien tell me what life is like.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#245

Post by [deleted] »

com2kid wrote: post #210
Trasmatta wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The point is that if you just see a kid on the street throwing a tantrum, you don't know which of those situations you're actually looking at

OP was referring to observations at friend's houses. Presumably they'd be aware of any underlying issues. Judging random people on the street isn't wise. Judge your friends and loved ones instead! :D

[deleted]

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#246

Post by drivebyhooting »

gkdr wrote: post #192
vermon wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm 6 months in and it has definitely ended my life as it was and nothing is the same. I'm pretty lucky that my wife gives me almost 16 hours of free time daily, from which 8 I work and 8 is for sleep. If I want to work out or do something else I need to steal it from the sleep time. It's pretty early though so I might be looking back in a few years and think that it was not that bad actually :)

A lot of gyms will watch your kids while you work out. Great opportunity to give both of you a break.

Very questionable quality child care.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#247

Post by wltr »

tavavex wrote: post #239

> On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare? I don't know, it seems like parenthood asks for a lot to be given up. Younger people like myself are already struggling to live on their own where I am. There's not a lot that can be spared by most of us. To me, having a child means heavily straining your financial safety - here, care for this…

It’s like nobody knows who the author is, and that he’s rich. It’s different from when you’re not rich. (Not even saying poor.)

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#248

Post by tavavex »

wltr wrote: post #247
tavavex wrote: post #239

> On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare? I don't know, it seems like parenthood asks for a lot to be given up. Younger people like myself are already struggling to live on their own where I am. There's not a lot that can be spared by most of us. To me, having a child means heavily straining your financial safety - here, care for this…

It’s like nobody knows who the author is, and that he’s rich. It’s different from when you’re not rich. (Not even saying poor.)

I didn't realize who he was until I looked up the name. I'm just too young to have heard it from real life, and also I'm not great at names. I assumed he was someone known in the industry, but not literally the founder of Y Combinator.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#249

Post by ergocoder »

neonnoodle wrote: post #205

I often wonder in these threads what proportion of the commenters is male. HN skews heavily male, and statistically speaking, fathers are spared a huge chunk of the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Being a mom and being a dad are not equivalent, and I have a feeling that not many male HNers would readily swap places if such thing were possible.

Assuming the income stays the same, I'd happily swap places. I suspect many people would.

There are 2 further points:

1. I'd say the ideal setting is for both parents to work and hire a sitter even though it might financially net the same (or affordably negative) as having one stay-at-home parent. Because a human needs community and diverse things to do, not just one thing over and over everyday for years. Both of the parents will be much happier.

2. When people say taking care of baby/toddler is difficult, it's almost always about not eating well and/or not sleep well. Eating would take an hour of spoon-feeding because the kid wouldn't eat by themselves. Kids wouldn't be able to sleep by themselves. You must focus on solving these 2 areas first. Once they are solved, it gets a lot easier to take care of a baby/toddler.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#250

Post by InexSquirrel »

pipes wrote: post #236
socalgal2 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still judge parents, because I compare them to other parents. Good parents = kids not 100% glued to phones/tablets, social around friends and family, not throwing tantrums at 8-16 yrs old. Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums, kids basically always getting their way because they've learned parents will always give in, parents and kids 100% ignoring each other. One set of friends - I go to visit, I play with…

All kids are different, my second has about 20 tantrums a day. I've no idea why. It's getting really hard to deal with. But it will pass. Honestly the only certainty is that unless you have been 100 percent responsible for a very young child for more a few days, you have no idea what you are talking about. I don't mean that directed at you. Just my own generalisation based own experience and the opinion of every othe…

Definitely hard to say. I get being angry and frustrated, and circumstances surrounding being a parent might not help at all. For instance my wife and I have no family to help out. It's just us. It's hard, but we do what we can.

I'm beyond fortunate that she's fully into being a mother, calm, patient but knows where the boundaries are. And that's reflected into our kid. He's so incredibly easy to parent, it's insane.

I look at his friends - all good kids. Boisterous, outgoing, a bit wild and uncontrollable, but fundamentally good kids. They fight with their siblings, and they're learning how to navigate the world.

And then I go shopping. We live in lower socio-econimic area, and it's genuinely just saddening to see what goes on. The number of parents that are actively, in public, swearing out their kids and just having the kids stand there quietly shrinking away is heartbreaking.

I don't know what's going on in the parent's lives, and I know being a parent is immensely difficut, and none of us are equipped from the outset to really become one... but yelling at your kid for being a f*ck in the middle of a shopping center? I fail to see how any of that is OK because of 'circumstances'. At some point you have to grow up and be an adult. You put this kid here. You need to take responsibility. It doesn't mean it's easy, but if you can't self reflect enough to know that's not OK, then you're a big part of the reason the kid is how they are.

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