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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#201

Post by pfannkuchen »

svachalek wrote: post #178
loloquwowndueo wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Depends on the baby. Some are nightmarish. That’s the main thing - each family and each child are different, so it’s kind of hard to base your decision on what you see and hear from others.

Yeah mine was colicky and every time getting him to sleep involved rocking him for an hour+ while he screamed in my ear. And he woke up so easily. So I spent about 2 hours a day rocking and patting for the first year or so, not checking off a dozen countries on my passport. Never had a second for some reason.

I’m curious what made you conclude that he was colicky as opposed to something else?

I was labeled colicky as a baby and my own children turned out to have some digestive issues with certain common foods that make them cry a ton when they or their mother eat them (and they get it via the milk). If I hadn’t debugged the food issues I might have labeled them “colicky”, but when we avoid those foods religiously they only cry when it makes sense and when the issue is solved they stop. I’m guessing I had a similar issue as a baby, my parents definitely didn’t attempt to debug it.

No judgement by the way I’m just curious if you tried debugging things like that as I imagine “colicky” could encompass issues that aren’t possible to debug also, and it’s also understandable if you couldn’t put in the resources to debug it as in my case it’s been a gigantic and expensive pain in the ass.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#202

Post by madduci »

jasonkester wrote: post #22

Before having kids, I expected it to be this huge life changing thing. That it would effectively end the part of my life where I was free to do whatever I wanted, and start the part where I was just Daddy, doing nothing except serving my childrens' needs. But that didn't happen. We just carried on being Jason and his partner, but with a baby in tow. I had spent most of my 30s cramming in as much "living" as possible,…

It happened to me and now, after more than 8 years, I find myself still in the situation where I am serving my children's needs and not having time to satisfy my personal ones.

They go to bed when I am also tired. Trying to having an hobby past their bed time means sacrifying sleep time.

Travelling is also a challenge, since they lack interesting in seeing something new, but just want to have fun playing, especially playgrounds.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#203

Post by throwaway77385 »

Balgair wrote: post #127
throwaway77385 wrote: post #99

I wish there was a way to make this decision rationally. My wife and I are coming up to the point of no return. We either do it now, or never. Now let's try to figure this out: Do we have enough money? Yes, probably. We could survive 10 years without making another dime. I don't know what kind of safety net is recommended, but people do it with a lot less. We live in a country with free health care, so illness won't…

Having kids is like eating a mango. You can talk to the foremost mango growers on cultivating mango trees and learn everything there is to know about making mangoes. You can consult with the best chefs about how to make the best mango dishes and desserts and learn the absolute best way to prepare and eat mangoes. You can learn from the masters of how to paint a mango so lifelike that you'd think the painting was real…

Thank you for the perspective. This is a good way of framing the dilemma.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#204

Post by throwaway77385 »

whateveracct wrote: post #194
throwaway77385 wrote: post #99

I wish there was a way to make this decision rationally. My wife and I are coming up to the point of no return. We either do it now, or never. Now let's try to figure this out: Do we have enough money? Yes, probably. We could survive 10 years without making another dime. I don't know what kind of safety net is recommended, but people do it with a lot less. We live in a country with free health care, so illness won't…

the easiest way to bypass all that existential anxiety is to have it happen on accident :)

Haha, agreed. Like I alluded to in my post, many of the best things in my life have come from just being thrown into the deep end. If standing at the edge of a pool and ruminating over whether to jump or not, one may never do it. If the choice is made for you, well, then there's no ruminating. But we're too old for accidents now, this is going to happen with intention, or not at all. Which is also fine, but I am interested in hearing other people's experiences.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#205

Post by neonnoodle »

I often wonder in these threads what proportion of the commenters is male. HN skews heavily male, and statistically speaking, fathers are spared a huge chunk of the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Being a mom and being a dad are not equivalent, and I have a feeling that not many male HNers would readily swap places if such thing were possible.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#206

Post by TheOtherHobbes »

jmye wrote: post #160
corry wrote: post #28

This is one of my favourites from PG, not least because it's a bit antithetical to what I perceive as a growing trend among smart, ambitious people (for whom children might represent friction, inconvenience, etc)... as well as folks for whom COL is making the question irrelevant due to practical concerns. Actually, it's really striking that even in America -- the developed country with the #1 highest birthrate -- sti…

> Actually, it's really striking that even in America -- the developed country with the #1 highest birthrate -- still falls below the replacement rate. What is it that's inversely correlated between growing wealth and having children? I think a lot of people miss the simple fact that some people just don't want kids and are unable to reconcile their personal experience with anyone else's. My partner and I are both we…

I think a lot of people are also pessimistic about the future.

It's fairly obvious the world will be very different and much less pleasant place by 2050. A lot of people don't want their kids to live through that.

It's possible aliens will arrive before then and fix all our problems, or some other Salvatio Ex Machina, but it's not exactly a high-odds bet.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#207

Post by Trasmatta »

com2kid wrote: post #187
Trasmatta wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums But sometimes there are legit behavioral issues that are extremely challenging, and are not the parent's fault. Sometimes what looks like a "tantrum" on the outside can actually be autistic overwhelm and meltdown, which can happen with even the best parents. Not to mention stuff like Intermittent Explosive Disorder. All this to say...if you see a kid in public throwing a…

There is a difference between kids using bad behavior to get attention or blackmail parents vs kids who have actual behavioral problems they are working through. The first is an actual problem stemming from bad parenting and as a society we should indeed shame parents who raise spoiled kids who expect everything to be given to them.

The point is that if you just see a kid on the street throwing a tantrum, you don't know which of those situations you're actually looking at

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#208

Post by com2kid »

mothballed wrote: post #200
com2kid wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, with a kid I still judge. I'd rather see kids running around and playing and being kids in public than on a tablet. Even grocery shopping I see toddlers on tablets sitting in the cart. My son has been actively involved with meal planning since he as a a year and a half old. "What type of bread today? What type of fruit in your yogurt tomorrow?" I won't judge kid's behavior, so long as they are acting like kids.…

I've been detained by police under suspicion of "kidnapping" for taking my kid to the park (my kid is a different "race" as me so it was "suspicious"). On another occasion my kid was interrogated because they were walking home from school on our own property, and someone wondered "why they were alone." On the other hand, no one has ever called the police on me for handing the kid a tablet and melting their brain insi…

> I've been detained by police under suspicion of "kidnapping" for taking my kid to the park (my kid is a different "race" as me so it was "suspicious"). On another occasion my kid was interrogated because they were walking home from school on our own property, and someone wondered "why they were alone."

And this is why I pay an arm and a leg to live in Seattle.

Kids here are running around outside playing soccer in the streets with parents watching guard for cars at the ends of the block.

Mixed race is not even noteworthy here.

Kids walk to/from school (up to a mile) all the time. Huge groups of kids walk together every day.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#210

Post by com2kid »

Trasmatta wrote: post #207
com2kid wrote: post #187

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is a difference between kids using bad behavior to get attention or blackmail parents vs kids who have actual behavioral problems they are working through. The first is an actual problem stemming from bad parenting and as a society we should indeed shame parents who raise spoiled kids who expect everything to be given to them.

The point is that if you just see a kid on the street throwing a tantrum, you don't know which of those situations you're actually looking at

OP was referring to observations at friend's houses. Presumably they'd be aware of any underlying issues.

Judging random people on the street isn't wise. Judge your friends and loved ones instead! :D

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