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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#11

Post by Daneel_ »

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typically starts after my kids are in bed or when I can escape them during work hours. My wife finds great happiness in our children, and I find happiness in that, but I’m desperately waiting for my kids to be old enough that I only need to spend time with them instead of constantly caring for them. Sorry if this is a bit of a dark comment, but I just wanted to say it’s not always the experience this author had, even if it seems common. Edit: Generally, I regret having kids (because of the impact on my life, not the kids themselves), but I also can’t change that decision and I would never back away from my choice - that’s completely unfair to them, as well as my wife. Such is life. I try to keep looking forward to when they’re older as a way of staying positive.

I truly do give my kids my all though, and they have a wonderful life and are loved and cared for in all senses of those words. They’re great kids and I give them everything necessary to be a great dad.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#12

Post by ozarkerD »

yanis_t wrote: post #6

Having kids is a gift. But this is one of these kinds of knowledge that once you know you immediately can't explain to others who don't.

Great way of putting it. It's the sort of thing you just have to trust others and jump into. If you think about it too much it just doesn't make sense.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#13

Post by metalliqaz »

meitham wrote: post #7

As a father of 3, nothing is more satisfying than raising kids.

As a father of 2, that really depends on a few factors.

I'd wager that you picked a good wife and that your kids are healthy and bright.

Things can go from satisfying to draining real quick.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#14

Post by drfloyd51 »

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime.

Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged.

Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine.

Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same order.

Then I learned it’s easier not to judge at all.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#15

Post by vardump »

dominotw wrote: post #9

I am am so scared of losing my job in tech due to ai and not being able to support my family.

Take a deep breath and just learn whatever you need to learn. AI or otherwise.

You'll be fine. Being responsible for someone else gives you quite a bit of boost.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#16

Post by toomuchtodo »

Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

Do not despair, I felt the same. Mine are halfway to 18, still feel the same, unsure if it changes. I love them, just not the experience. I have friends who feel the same, so I/we are not alone.

I tell others not to do it unless they are prepared to suffer. You won't know if its for you until you've already gone through the one way door. I wish others luck. For the unlucky, I wish grit and stoicism.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#17

Post by doubled112 »

Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one that feels that way. I don't think it's said very often because it almost feels taboo to say it.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#19

Post by alexchantavy »

My favorite part is how pg says how kids made him less ambitious, but then:

“On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare?”

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#20

Post by fdghrtbrt »

Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

I would like to hear in what sense you love your kids, given that "he first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. (...) Happiness for me typically starts after my kids are in bed or when I can escape them during work hours."

Do you say "I love my kids" because that's what everybody says, or is there any truth in it?

EDIT: Just to be 100% clear: I mean absolutely no judgement. I'm not going to tell you off or try to change your mind. I ask out of pure curiosity.

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