This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.
Ask HN: How to be alone?
251–260 of 592 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#2521. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so m…
> You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change.
I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#253One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#254Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be…
Brilliant. But be prepared for failure. Some days instead of the rejection you're expecting you'll be accepted instead!
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#255So, I've been through this. I found a couple things really helpful.
1) make plans with people. Do something with a friend or friends and say "want to make this a regular thing?" For me, I went hiking every saturday morning at 9am, and coffee afterwards with a friend. Another friend was regular weekly lunches.
2) write it down. You will have all these thoughts, about the relationship, about yourself, and more. Just write it down. It will show you who you are. You will begin to unpack things.
3) exercise. Wears you out, makes you sleep, makes you smarter, puts your head on straight.
4) give it time. Right now you can do anything. that's a negative, but will become a positive as you rediscover yourself and relax.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#256Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be…
Brilliant. But be prepared for failure. Some days instead of the rejection you're expecting you'll be accepted instead!
Yes, that's right. You work your way up to bigger and bigger potential rejections all while realizing that maybe you're asking too little.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#257[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#258Humans are social creatures. We’re not meant to live alone. The advise suggesting we should be able to seems to me like cope. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#259First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.
Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.
Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.
Best of luck!
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#260> Everything feels hollow now.
I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.
I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"
If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.
Read also this one: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-ha...
Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.
When you start having more friends/acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.
YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep/eat/excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.