The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me • Hacker News Board

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#11

Post by coffeebeqn » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:16 AM UTC

azangru wrote: post #6

Is it a style like his that LLMs have been copying lately? "It was cold out, but none of us were cold." "In that moment, there was nothing to do. Nothing to improve. Nothing to fix. It was perfect." "We’ve all seen it. Clear as day, you can see the goal post at the top: self-actualization. LFG! It’s time to journal and 80/20 myself! Pass me a shaman and some modafinil. That’s the mission. That’s the point. Right? But…

He’s been writing for decades now so that should be easy to verify. I’m sure LLMs are optimized for engaging online writing that’s easy to digest

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#12

Post by jackyli02 » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:23 AM UTC

The "optimization" framing is where self-help tends to go wrong. Tyler Cowen has made a similar point that reading self-help books is often a form of procrastination disguised as productivity, because you're consuming meta-strategies rather than doing the actual work in whatever domain you care about.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#13

Post by ghywertelling » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:24 AM UTC

During time of peace, prosperity and ZIRP like phenomenon, self help takes on the form of Law of Attraction, The Secret etc.

During time of war and uncertainty, self help takes on the form of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

We are conditioned beings, we respond to the macro environment and dynamics.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#14

Post by DieErde » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:26 AM UTC

47282847 wrote: post #4

DieErde wrote: post #3

It’s the relationships, stupid But is it relationships with just anybody? Or relationships with emotionally healthy, intelligent, adventurous people who share my interests? Maybe I have to climb Maslow’s pyramid to be compatible with those?

I believe it’s a lifelong journey towards healthy relationships with anyone. We don’t start there, and we might never get to the finish line. That includes non-violent boundary setting; not friends with everyone, but relationship. Soft boundaries, where you neither cling on to something that was but no longer is without the need to blame self or other, nor you avoid contact with something new and unknown. To let go o…

    Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way.

This is actually a common statement people make with whom I feel bored. I call it the "evasive defense".

Me: "Let's fly to Paris tomorrow!"

People: "Nah, I'm fine just doing what I did the last 3650 days. I wonder how I deal with this issue I have with my boss at work. That is enough adventure for me."

Me: "Trash the job! Let's start a startup!"

People: "Nah, that is not for me. The benefit-to-work ratio at my current job is just too good."

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#15

Post by mettamage » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:29 AM UTC

> Self-help is dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.

In my self-help journey I came across meditation which ultimately led me to altruistic-based practices. So can't relate.

> A focus on improving the self usually first requires finding problems with the self

Oh I got in there the other way around. I wanted a few things out of life socially speaking but society was blocking me somehow. So I went out to investigate why that is and then studied it all and then solved my own problem. In order to do that, I had to improve myself as I wasn't connecting well with the world. I'm much happier with how I do that nowadays.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#16

Post by mettamage » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:29 AM UTC

eucyclos wrote: post #9

I enjoy self improvement, but there is something deeply therapeutic about self non - improvement. I don't say 'self acceptance' because that's often described as a necessary precursor to changing whatever we find difficult to accept about ourselves.

> I enjoy self improvement, but there is something deeply therapeutic about self non - improvement.

Good point! I wish I wrote that, haha.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#17

Post by rendx » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:34 AM UTC

DieErde wrote: post #14

47282847 wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe it’s a lifelong journey towards healthy relationships with anyone. We don’t start there, and we might never get to the finish line. That includes non-violent boundary setting; not friends with everyone, but relationship. Soft boundaries, where you neither cling on to something that was but no longer is without the need to blame self or other, nor you avoid contact with something new and unknown. To let go o…

Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way. This is actually a common statement people make with whom I feel bored. I call it the "evasive defense". Me: "Let's fly to Paris tomorrow!" People: "Nah, I'm fine just doing what I did the last 3650 days. I wonder how I deal with this issue I have with my boss at work. That is enough adventure for me." Me: "Trash the job! Let's start a startup!" People: "Nah, that is n…

Have you actually shown genuine interest in their adventures, or is it you who defines what is adventurous and what is not, and not see that they defend against your interests, and by that protect their own? Why do you feel the need to make decisions for them? Is it you that is unhappy about their choices, or is it them? (How did your parents react to your wishes and desires? Was your autonomy celebrated, or dismissed? Do you find yourself subordinating your own interests below those of others, and say yes to things you would rather say no to?)

    “NO is always a YES to something else.” - Marshall Rosenberg

I've been to Paris often enough, no thank you. And I prefer to go with people that respect and celebrate my autonomy. I wish you a good trip though!

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#18

Post by Propelloni » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:38 AM UTC

Modern self-help is as much a sham as are management gurus, which is no surprise because they overlap. Who cannot recall "Start with why?" or the "7 habits of highly effective people"? They play on your insecurities and promise silver bullets. If they don't work it is because you are, of course, deficient. You need another self-help book or follow this guy on Insta. Indulging all this self-help stuff is just another form of procrastination, instead of doing it you talk and read about doing it. It's just like learning Org-mode (no offense) to be better organized instead of, you know, organizing.

My waking call was, ironically, another management book "The Management Myth" by Matthew Steward (I think), which just showed me the ridiculousness of it all.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#19

Post by andreidbr » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:41 AM UTC

I enjoy Tim's content and in the last couple of years he's definitely gone beyond his established "shtick". He's definitely done his own "dog-fooding", testing advice on himself and he's found some awesome people along the way.

I'm happy that he has gone beyond the "book / author of the week" format and this blog post is most welcomed.

Relationships are crucial, especially ones that help elevate yourself or, at least, keep you on a stable level instead of dragging you down.

Re: The Self-Help Trap: What 20 Years of "Optimizing" Has Taught Me

#20

Post by mekaoro » Thu, Mar 05, 2026, 8:44 AM UTC

okay this was very interesting "To continually improve yourself, you must continually locate the ways you are broken" haven't thought of it this way. Maybe I need to look into why i keep finding new books.