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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#241

Post by legerdemain »

I'm at Paris Baguette, a Korean lower-end coffee shop chain common in the Bay Area. The guy next to me has headphones on and his laptop on a stand. Or it's four middle-aged Latino women celebrating a birthday. Or it's a bunch of local high-school kids.

Do I lean over and say, "Hi, how are you guys doing? Really good coffee they have here, huh?"

I'm at the gym. It's a big-box gym. It's full of dudes wearing Airpods Max, a few couples in skintight athletic outfits, a few teens with phones on tripods filming themselves for Tiktok.

Do I come over, gesture for them to take off their headphones, and say, "Hi, how are you guys doing? That's really good form, on that lift, really good form. Keep it up!"

I'm waiting to cross a road. On the other side of the road is a Caltrain crossing. The traffic light cycle takes forever, and then the train comes and preempts it. And then preempts it again when people finish getting on. A crowd of parents with strollers are waiting to cross. People are returning from the farmer's market with bags of vegetables. People on bikes.

Do I lean over and say, "Hey, how are you guys all doing? It sure takes a while to cross. Wow!"

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#242

Post by johnnyanmac »

vibe_that_works wrote: post #125

I read in a couple of comments that you are worried about "bothering people". To be honest, don't worry about it, you can attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered.

>you can attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered.

The non-verbal cues are wher things get difficult.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#243

Post by le-mark »

caditinpiscinam wrote: post #232
0xbadcafebee wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So be an older British lady? You get to decide how people see you. Hair, clothes, body language, smile, is 90% of how people decide whether they want to interact with you. When I dye my hair all kinds of colors, random people talk to me (and the specific colors even dictate who talks). When I dress up in a suit, people treat me more seriously. When I dress like a contractor and drive my truck, regular dudes talk to m…

I don't think older British lady is in the cards for me but I get your point. One of my friends has a dog (a very cute little yorkie) who I take on walks fairly often. Let me tell you: I get so many people coming up to me wanting to talk when I'm out walking that dog. It's like I'm suddenly transported to a different universe where people are 100x more sociable. It makes sense: people love dogs. It gives us something…

Don’t feel bad please. There’s a flip side to all these sociable people which you are sensing. It’s the fallacy of “winning friends and influencing people”. Suppose you are sociable and use the tricks to get to know people (take an interest in their interest, ask for favors, etc) the reality is it will almost never be reciprocated. You get a bunch of people to like you but they will never know you because they’re pitiful and shallow. After a while you will resent them and just skip it all.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#244

Post by freediver »

r17n wrote: post #14
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person". How do you deal with that?

Most people crave conversation and interaction. Those that are busy enough to potentially really be bothered will either show that clearly, or tell you so.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#246

Post by fuzzfactor »

johnnyanmac wrote: post #236
fuzzfactor wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's exactly right, you've got to be an unmistakable gentleman, which is just the opposite. As everybody knows that's still often not enough, but why shoot yourself in the foot when you're trying to put your best foot forward? I'll never forget the day some sophisticated gentlemen came to my school and introduced one of their big hit songs that night. How there's 5 little words so many single women love to hear, "H…

>As everybody knows that's still often not enough, but why shoot yourself in the foot when you're trying to put your best foot forward? Because the best food forward of a creep is still a creep.

>a creep is still a creep.

Yeah, some people are only up to no good :\

If you can't differentiate yourself from that, it would be something to work on well before you try and be as socially acceptable as the average joe.

For everyone else who's not a creep, maybe you just have to "accept" that everyone in the world just doesn't want to be socially acceptable anyway.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#247

Post by Swizec »

johnnyanmac wrote: post #234
Swizec wrote: post #231

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The risk does not involve lasting consequences. Just don’t make things a big deal and people will mostly follow your lead.

Lasting consequences include social outcasting and even dismissal. Those are pretty lasting. >Just don’t make things a big deal That sadly doesn't stop the runmors from flowing. That's the real damning thing about such social faux pas. Your reputation can be ruined without having a single person say it to your face. That's both unsettling and morbid for how you look to humanity.

You have to mess up pretty badly for this to happen. Most people would be a lot less worried what others think of them if they realized how rarely the do.

The reality is that most people are too busy thinking about themselves to spend any time thinking about you or a random little interaction that didn’t land

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#248

Post by [deleted] »

vedaba wrote: post #84
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Until you run into an A-hole whose response ruins the rest of your day when you were just trying to be sociable. I could even see getting physically assaulted for trying to talk to the wrong stranger. I like where your heart is at, unfortunately many people out there are not deserving of it.

[deleted]

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#249

Post by socalgal2 »

stevenhuang wrote: post #235
socalgal2 wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

An old guy sat at the table next to mine at an outdoor cafe. I don't remember what I said to start the conversation but he told me he'd lived in Japan for 3yrs in the 50s, married a Japanese woman, they moved to Redondo Beach and she convinced him to buy a house more than they could afford. He said it was the best decision of their lives. He then said she'd past away a few years ago and they had no kids. I ask him wh…

Why so quick to moralize? What makes you think your perspective on world population is justified and his isn't? This could have been an opportunity for both of you to understand each other's perspective. That's why you asked their thoughts on the matter right? It's a shame you let that pass you by.

I asked his thoughts on the matter because I assumed he didn't want to see Japan end since he had a connection to it. But, he didn't give a fuck if they ended, nor Korea.

And if you think they'y aren't ending, you need to go look at the numbers and then look at the double speak on solutions. There are no known solutions. Every solution requires a miracle that has never happened.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#250

Post by plantain »

Visited Fiji and stayed in the "locals" area rather than in one of the tourist resorts. Everywhere I went, would get stopped by locals and asked how my day was going, where I was going, what I was up to.

Shamefully my tourist-shields were at maximum after experiences in Morocco/Ethiopia and similar, and many people I ignored and kept walking as fast as I could.

Eventually I found myself in a conversation I couldn't easily escape from and I realised... they're just being friendly. They were all just being friendly. I spoke to dozens afterwards and had nice little chats, with no motives, no scams, no sales, no brothers-uncle's shop that I must visit.

(I did get scammed in the taxi though, by someone who didn't make conversation :) )

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