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How to stop being boring

joanwestenberg.com

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Re: How to stop being boring

#41

Post by b0rtb0rt »

otikik wrote: post #38

> This happens gradually. In middle school, you learn that certain enthusiasms are embarrassing. In high school, you learn which opinions are acceptable in your social group. In college, you refine your persona further. By the time you're an adult, you've become so skilled at reading rooms and ajusting accordingly that you don't even notice you're doing it. You've automated your own inauthenticity. What the author is…

the ability to read the room and know how to act in different social situations is a symptom of low self esteem?

Re: How to stop being boring

#42

Post by FatherOfCurses »

Tade0 wrote: post #31

> They're saying what they actually think and wearing what they actually like, pursuing hobbies that genuinely fascinate them, regardless of whether those hobbies are cool. Joke's on you, OP - even being like that you'll still find people who think you're boring because it's subjective. Truth is, once youth passes, over time people become increasingly disinterested in others. This effect was exacerbated by the recent…

"... over time people become increasingly disinterested in others."

The average person perhaps. I find as I get older that people become more fascinating to me. Maybe I've just gotten better at listening and identifying interesting things about them.

Re: How to stop being boring

#44

Post by ergonaught »

Not the first time I've read descriptions of this kind of behavior (let's call it social conformity) presented as perfectly normal, and I read comments (here and elsewhere) that largely confirm this is normal.

It's pathological dysfunction, however common it may be.

I suppose you can't see it when you're in it.

Re: How to stop being boring

#45

Post by SCNP »

turzmo wrote: post #36

"Be yourself" and "be polarizing" are the author's two suggestions to... avoid boring her, specifically? Or to avoid boring everybody? I'm not sure she quite understands what makes people tick.

Yeah. The article reads like a long-winded personal opinion. Advice for the author.

Re: How to stop being boring

#46

Post by CuriouslyC »

raw_anon_1111 wrote: post #33
zug_zug wrote: post #16

I'd lump this in with so much other inspirational advice (e.g. "Dance like nobody is watching! Love like you've never been hurt!") that is well-intended but hugely impractical. I think there are finely-tuned social algorithms that we innately follow. For example when meeting somebody we often perform the progressive self-disclosure algorithm in an attempt to find mutual talking points, so maybe yeah you say that you'…

My wife and I live above a bar frequented by tourists and the bartender is a friend of mine. When it isn’t busy, I’ll usually go down there order a soda and just talk to whoever shows up. The easy opener once the conversation starts is “what keeps you busy?” and keep the conversation going. This lets them talk about work, family, hobbies or whatever else they like to talk about I read a book that said you should try…

> There is no way for a 50 year old married guy to talk to a woman alone at the bar without coming off like a creep.

Not true. You have to engage in a way that signals very clearly you don't really give much of a shit about talking to her, and your social status is higher than hers.

For example, if you're having a conversation with your bartender friend and you need a female perspective to settle a disagreement, and you ask for it without fully "engaging" with her, that'll work fine. Once she's been pulled in you will have to keep hooking her into the conversation with interesting tidbits, but eventually most women will just keep talking.

Re: How to stop being boring

#49

Post by pavel_lishin »

I've been talking to my therapist about something similar - masking, as someone else in the comments mentioned.

And one thing that I've been thinking about as a result is that I don't owe anyone my authentic self.

Asking me to reveal more things about myself is asking a hell of a lot, actually. So maybe I'm boring on purpose, because I don't want to get into an argument with a random parent on the playground, or a random stranger on a bus, or a random receptionist at the doctor.

I'll be interesting to the people I'm interested in, and boring to everyone else.

Re: How to stop being boring

#50

Post by paulcole »

zug_zug wrote: post #16

I'd lump this in with so much other inspirational advice (e.g. "Dance like nobody is watching! Love like you've never been hurt!") that is well-intended but hugely impractical. I think there are finely-tuned social algorithms that we innately follow. For example when meeting somebody we often perform the progressive self-disclosure algorithm in an attempt to find mutual talking points, so maybe yeah you say that you'…

Do you think that the people who dance like no one is watching or who love like they’ve never been hurt are on average happier or unhappier than the average person? Are they happier or unhappier than the people who dance like everyone is watching or who love like they’ve always been hurt?
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