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Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

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Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#821

Post by cushychicken »

yibg wrote: post #733
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

Unfortunately a lot of these require either an existing network or high stakes interaction (sending invites, accepting invites etc). They're good advise, but can be hard to execute on for most people. If we want to solve this at the society or community level, there needs to be more opportunities for low stakes interaction. Places that people can passively gather around a communal activity. I'm reminded of the ladies…

They're good advise, but can be hard to execute on for most people.

OP gave the thread a very good and valid suggestion. Treating this as a societal problem - for "society" to solve - is lazy thinking.

If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#822

Post by ozim »

eagsalazar2 wrote: post #481
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

I love this but I think you'll be surprised at your success rate. Everyone is struggling with this, not just you. Right on the heels of covid we were debating whether to have a NYE party or just go to a friend's house for a low key thing. We were paralyzed a bit feeling like, why we weren't invited to other parties ourselves? Won't everyone already be busy doing other stuff? In the end my wife took the leap and invit…

Not fun part is that the longer you stay at your home comfort zone the bigger social anxiety grows.

Other annoying parts are if you fight off anxiety and do go out you most likely will run into minor inconvenience like some Karen honking on you or making a fuss in front of you when you’re waiting in line. Minor inconvenience like that refuels social anxiety.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#823

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

publicdebates wrote: post #817
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #797

I see this is still front-page news. There’s really two main ingredients to loneliness: 1) We don’t meet others in a way that sparks relationships. 2) We have personal issues that interfere with our ability to have relationships. #1 is fairly straightforward. We have the ability to make friends; but lack the opportunity. If we can meet and interact with others, we’ll make friends, and mitigate our isolation. We need…

From my perspective and the people I'm trying to reach out to, they basically need someone to help them see that they are cared about and valued, someone to ask them how their day is over coffee with no strings attached, and not because they're trying to earn brownie points with God, or trying to increase their internal virtue signal, but because they genuinely care about the other person. Your #1 is great for after…

The “#1.5,” is that we have often developed “loneliness-inducing habits,” that need to be broken. We don’t necessarily have any real “issues,” other than we’ve just gotten used to “hanging out with ourselves.”

Breaking habits isn’t easy. It’s nearly impossible, if we have a compulsive disorder, but, then, we’d be #2.

The key to anything is willingness. If we don’t actually want to do something, then it ain’t happening.

But there’s a hell of a lot more #2, than folks are willing to admit.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#824

Post by alistairSH »

I wish I understood how people arrived at this state in the first place…

My parents are retired boomers who’ve lived in the same area for decades. This has afforded them a strong local fried network, despite being an ocean away from their homeland and extended families. Mom and her friends have a weekly gathering to chat and have tea/cake.

My wife and I likewise have a geoup of local friends. We get together quarterly or so for a group dinner. The wives usually organize that. Most of the guys are cat enthusiasts and/or cyclists so we see each many weekends.

Is this mostly a Millenial thing? Is there a whole generation that for whatever reason never found hobbies outside work?

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#825

Post by rkomorn »

alistairSH wrote: post #824

I wish I understood how people arrived at this state in the first place… My parents are retired boomers who’ve lived in the same area for decades. This has afforded them a strong local fried network, despite being an ocean away from their homeland and extended families. Mom and her friends have a weekly gathering to chat and have tea/cake. My wife and I likewise have a geoup of local friends. We get together quarterl…

> Most of the guys are cat enthusiasts and/or cyclists so we see each many weekends.

Why not combine the two and take the cats cycling? A nice 30 meowle ride.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#826

Post by mft_ »

defo10 wrote: post #780

I‘m a cofounder of a German loneliness startup. My core insight is that loneliness often stems from a badly adjusted internal social threat function ( f(social event)=perceived threat ). This function runs subconsciously all day long. From talking to strangers to reaching out to a friend, the lonely mind is much more aware of negative outcomes, so your mind protects you by telling you things like „I don’t talk to str…

You're probably far ahead of me on this topic, but as an immigrant to Germany for some years now, living with a German partner, I'm convinced that Germany (at least, Bavaria) has its own specific cultural norms that makes socialising far more challenging than is my experience in other countries. I can't explain why, but I observe a more insular (i.e. family- and existing-close-circle-focused) attitude, and also a significant level of difficulty/inflexibility regarding scheduling social events.

For example, I often find it quicker and easier to agree the timing and details of weekend trips to meet up with friends in other countries, involving one or both sides traveling significantly to meet, than arranging a single evening to meet for dinner with a single existing German colleague or friend living nearby. Of course these people have lives and arrangements I must fit in with, but I'm convinced that the examples I'm thinking of do not have such overwhelmingly busy schedules as to explain the observation.

This might sound like a trivial observation, but I suspect that the overall effect, if you scale even a small fraction of this behaviour across a whole country, could be huge.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#827

Post by hobofan »

tom1337 wrote: post #806
defo10 wrote: post #780

I‘m a cofounder of a German loneliness startup. My core insight is that loneliness often stems from a badly adjusted internal social threat function ( f(social event)=perceived threat ). This function runs subconsciously all day long. From talking to strangers to reaching out to a friend, the lonely mind is much more aware of negative outcomes, so your mind protects you by telling you things like „I don’t talk to str…

as a fellow german, is there somewhere we can find your company / product? i'd be interested in checking that out.

I wouldn't want to post it unless GP wants that, but it's discoverable via their digital footprint for those willing to put in the effort.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#828

Post by UncleMeat »

SwtCyber wrote: post #723
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

"Be the organizer" assumes a certain baseline of energy, confidence, and emotional resilience. For people who are already lonely, depressed, neurodivergent, burned out, or socially anxious, that constant reaching out + rejection tax can be genuinely exhausting, not just uncomfortable

This becomes an unlimited excuse.

Even if there were state programs that established and ran these sorts of events and created low-friction ways of interacting with people, people could still say "well that assumes a certain baseline of energy."

It is true that somebody who is in the midst of extreme depression and can't get out of bed is probably not going to be able to set up a local dnd game. It is also the case that the large majority of people are absolutely capable of doing this sort of thing.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#829

Post by blondie9x »

The answer is actually less technology. More in person community is the solution.

How do you get people to talk to each other again? It has to come through forming community groups that can meet and enjoy life together in the real world. It also can come from meet with a shared purpose to advance common causes that make the community and the world slightly better.

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