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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#131

Post by iamnothere »

ljosifov wrote: post #126
iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been wa…

Exactly, I may change my stripes again, but for now a life of relative solitude feels right.

No hate intended towards those who feel the need to be social. If you feel like you’re missing out, the article has some good advice. But there’s nothing wrong with those of us who prefer a quiet morning walk to an average conversation.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#132

Post by mm351206 »

throw4847285 wrote: post #107
ZpJuUuNaQ5 wrote: post #62

Posts like these make me question whether I even exist, or at the very least, doubt my humanity.

Sweeping self-loathing statements like that are actually a defense mechanism. Fear of rejection is so great that one would rather believe that one is worthless than have another person think one is slightly annoying. Better to self-sooth with self-abnegation than face the uncertainty of other's judgment.

Well, if you’ve been excluded your entire life, like I have, if your invitations are rejected, if you’re never the one being invited, if you search for people who never search for you, and if every connection you manage to form is shortlived and ends in ghosting, it starts to make you doubt your own humanity a little. I think my experience, like the OP, allows me to entertain the idea that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me, as if I’m somehow not fully human.

I can understand being in the wrong contest once or twice in your life, but I’ve lived in five different cities. I’ve gone to college three times. I play multiple instruments and have played in bands and orchestras. And yet here I am: completely alone. I have no one to text for a little chat, no one to grab a beer with me on a Saturday night, no one to plan a coffee with, no one to reassure me when I’m struggling. I’m moving through life entirely on my own, rawdogging it, doing everything alone.

At this point, I’ve given up on relationships, on friendship, on love. The few people I’ve ever called friends eventually disappeared. It feels less painful to stop hoping altogether than to keep sinking my already low hope that it is actually all a misunderstanding and that someday I’ll finally find a circle of people who choose me back.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#133

Post by maplant »

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1]

By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise.

The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy.

[1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

Re: I rebooted my social life

#134

Post by cycomanic »

squigz wrote: post #33
littlecranky67 wrote: post #31

Working remotely taught me a similar lesson as the author. The most important part that I think people get wrong in general is that online friends, or your good friends from uni or your childhood youth that you only see in person once or twice a year, can't replace an active local friends group - or community as he calls it. Cutting the daily interactions with other humans by no longer going to an office every day ma…

Why can't you have an online community? littlecranky, put your reply back please; it was a good one.

I can only speak to my own experience, but for the last 1 year I have been by myself and my 2 younger daughters in a new town. I work remotely, but also have some very good friends that I can rely on when I need. Those friends are distributed all over the world and while I can call them any time off the day or night, there is a fundamental difference how I feel after a phone/video call to after a conversation over e.g. drinks/dinner. In fact I found that I sometimes avoid calling my friends because the phone call makes me feel lonelier.

So for me online communities can be a great thing, but they can't replace IRL communities, because the interactions make you feel different. I suspect that the social needs that evolution has imprinted on us can't just be fulfilled by online interactions, they require more senses than just hearing and seeing.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#135

Post by basisword »

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

I don’t think other people are the problem here. Harshly judging others and only wanting to socialise with people that fit a strict narrow criteria is the problem. And it sounds like you have good reason to do that due to past bad experience. I’ve been in a very similar situation and used it to justify keeping a minimal social life. But discarding a rich social life due to some bad experience is the wrong solution. It’s like getting a car accident and deciding you should never travel by car again.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#136

Post by mettamage »

> I’ve got no idea, I’m too busy gaming on my Playstation 5 and living a life of selfish consumption.

This is in another article of his about not having kids. But I think just focusing on enjoyment in life is a poor human experience. Life has much more to offer that is equally interesting. Enjoyment isn't the only game in town. And the other things that life has to offer, can be fucking painful. But I'd still say it's worth it to experience.

I appreciate it that life is bitter sweet. I wouldn't exactly say that I like it, but I appreciate it (and it goes up to a point, when we're talking about really rough tragedies, yea none of that please).

Re: I rebooted my social life

#137

Post by lordnacho »

I also work from home, together with my wife. So even though we have kids, there is no necessity of leaving the house, save for 15 minutes a day on weekdays to drop off and pick up.

The main thing people have to get over is passivity. You want to see your friends? Invite a bunch of people to come out. Nowadays it takes very little time to book a restaurant.

I do this every few months. I just think of three or four other people I want to have dinner with, arrange a time, and then invite everyone else I come across. Dinner ends up being anywhere from 4 to 12 people, out of maybe 20 invites. As for who to invite, just invite your friends, and your "friend seeds".

Everyone has a few peripheral people they know, whose bio seems to fit the template of your actual friends: live near you, studied with you, worked with you. People who in all likelihood have the same values as you, except you haven't hung out together due to lack of opportunity. We all know that guy: you know his name, you know he does what you do, you don't know anything else. So you bring that seed along and you and your existing friends water the relationship.

A more modern way to not be lonely is to play an MMO. This isn't quite like real friends, but it also isn't quite the same as being lonely. The big benefit of course is that you can do this at home.

These games are all about cooperating, sharing knowledge and experience. It's not really all that different from cooking a meal together, you're just in your PJs as you're slaying a dragon. You can also end up learning a fair bit about your online friends from just hanging around. Life stories, that kind of thing, they are a basic part of friendship.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#138

Post by iamnothere »

mm351206 wrote: post #132
throw4847285 wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sweeping self-loathing statements like that are actually a defense mechanism. Fear of rejection is so great that one would rather believe that one is worthless than have another person think one is slightly annoying. Better to self-sooth with self-abnegation than face the uncertainty of other's judgment.

Well, if you’ve been excluded your entire life, like I have, if your invitations are rejected, if you’re never the one being invited, if you search for people who never search for you, and if every connection you manage to form is shortlived and ends in ghosting, it starts to make you doubt your own humanity a little. I think my experience, like the OP, allows me to entertain the idea that there’s something fundament…

Unfortunately, you are under a curse. The only way to lift the curse is to build a physical space that attracts people. People cannot resist an interesting place.

Stack stones, hang lights, collect interesting things. Or join a project where people are doing this, like Sandland: https://www.southeastiowaunion.com/life/ottumwa-native-creat...

Joining may be easier and nobody turns down a volunteer. You may have to start something new if nothing is nearby.

But beware the monkey’s paw: once the people come, you will not be able to get rid of them easily.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#139

Post by snerbles »

maplant wrote: post #133
iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

Finger-wag all you want, it's not going to make that Sisyphean boulder any lighter.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#140

Post by iamnothere »

maplant wrote: post #133
iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

I guess I’m unhealthy then. Sad!
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