Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

1–10 of 118 posts

Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#1

Post by yresting »

I am a college student and for my entire life I have been lonely. This is probably taken a very heavy toll on my mental health but that’s another story. I’ve never been able to make friends and keep meaningful connections that last a long time. In fact I’d go as far as saying I have never had a friend, and I currently don’t have any. My phone is empty, when I go to school nobody talks to me and when I do find people who seem to have some kind of interest in me, it usually doesn’t last very long since they don’t prioritize whatever we have. As far as I’m aware I am tolerable to be around. People find me funny and when I do talk to people we have decent conversations (though small talk tends to bore me). However that doesn’t lead anywhere and doesn’t bring me any kind of comfort or fulfillment. I’ve attributed my lack of friends to something that places all the blame on me. Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m not funny enough, maybe I’m dumb. I don’t know if that’s the right approach. But I’ve tried so many different things, I’ve read so many different books and yet I still can’t get anyone to even bother to ask me how my day was or care to actually do something and hang out with me when I ask if they’d like too.

What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#3

Post by DwnVoteHoneyPot »

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of school? If you're passionate about something, you'll be more interesting to people. It'll give you personality. Even if they don't have the same interest, they will ask you about it. And obviously, you'll also meet people who have the same interests.

I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (a computer... a machine) had personality and was considered quirky, funny, endearing, and people loved it.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#4

Post by satvikpendem »

You focus on others talking to you, why don't you talk to them? I don't mean just one conversation but making plans for hanging out next time too, or joining hobbies you'd like to do.

One thing I've learned is that you yourself must make an effort first, even if you think it's unfair or if it's a lot of work, otherwise you'll be lonely forever.

Do you know if you have any sort of neurodivergence? That may be a part of it too. You say small talk tends to bore you yet that is how people start mingling at first. Maybe people are put off by you being put off on small talk.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#5

Post by leros »

Making friends is a lot of work, can be uncomfortable, and it takes time.

One cool thing about university is that there are lots of clubs you can join. I'd suggest you go find a club you're interested in and participate every week. Talk to people when you get the opportunity. I've read it takes around five times attending a group before people start taking your attendance seriously enough start investing time in getting to know you. Give it a few months and I'll bet you have some acquaintances that could become friends.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#7

Post by neuralkoi »

Start with the low hanging fruit: your family.

There was a period when I put space between myself and my main friends which resulted in loneliness, but I found this created a new space to connect with my siblings who were really interesting and had grown in ways I hadn't noticed.

Also, as Charlie Munger always said: "Invert! Invert! Invert!". Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. This requires of course paying attention to what you normally do (or don't do). Instead of waiting for others to reach out to you, for example, you might instead approach them.

Be okay with the fear of rejection. When we are kids we make friends so easily because we haven’t yet learned to protect ourselves from rejection.

An interesting exercise I had to do recently as part of a teambuilding exercise: offer a hug to 5 random strangers. I promise this will teach you something about yourself, and about others.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#8

Post by bdcravens »

Some of these ideas are possibly terrible, but just a brain dump:

I'd pop your head into random events in college, even if it's groups you don't feel align with you.

Try some courses that tend to require higher levels of interaction (like theatre)

I wouldn't join a fraternity, but that's a way some connect with others.

Turn yourself into a billboard, wearing T-shirts for things you like (bands, geeky things, etc). A "cool shirt" comment can start a conversation.

Start smoking. Ok, don't do that. But when I was in school it gave me a reason to congregate in the smoking section of campus. Terrible idea, but it did help me meet some people that almost 30 years later I still consider friends.

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

You won't be. I'm 48 now, and while I'm somewhat well adjusted, when I was your age, and even a bit older, I was such an introverted outcast. Still am, I just learned how to communicate better over time and more or less relate to people where they are, even if we are different. We all grow at different rates. That doesn't help your sense of loneliness today, but as you discover yourself and who your "tribe" is, those connections will form and grow, even if it seems impossible today.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#10

Post by sieep »

neuralkoi wrote: post #7

Start with the low hanging fruit: your family. There was a period when I put space between myself and my main friends which resulted in loneliness, but I found this created a new space to connect with my siblings who were really interesting and had grown in ways I hadn't noticed. Also, as Charlie Munger always said: "Invert! Invert! Invert!". Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. This requires of course pay…

Im interested to learn more about this team building exercise. What do you mean by hug random strangers? Like on the street? I've never heard of such an exercise before.
Post reply on HN