Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

After my dad died, we found the love letters

jenn.site

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

351–360 of 470 posts

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#351

Post by tempestn »

serf wrote: post #324
tempestn wrote: post #315

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Coercing someone to remain in a loveless marriage while you abandon and repeatedly cheat on them sure is though.

so by this rational a person can be abused without even being aware of it and seeing no comparable ill effect? Where is the line drawn? Am I abusing my spouse when I decide that we're a bit too over-stretched financially and that we're going to need to skip the surprise Disney World trip that I had planned but hadn't yet told them about? What about if I think they just didn't try their hardest during the family softb…

His wife repeatedly requested a divorce and he basically forced her to remain in the loveless marriage. Your strawmen really aren't relevant.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#352

Post by WheatMillington »

mallets wrote: post #151
JKCalhoun wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wasn't in any way judging the father harshly when I read it. I also read between the lines that there was additionally "traditional Asian culture" as another factor. I only questioned why he would have brought kids into the "union", but I can easily imagine that it was his wife's desire. A very sad story in general. I lost my mom a few years ago and I suspect I'll go to my grave still very sad about the could-have-…

Having kids is half the reason (or more) for such marriages, nothing completes the nuclear family picture quite like it. And not like it's easy for gay couples in accepting environments to have kids either, surrogacy is banned in most countries ("liberal" ones too, US is kind of an exception here) and adoption is nigh impossible. Some countries like Italy go as far as selectively making both illegal, but only for gay…

Where did you hear that surrogacy is banned in most places outside the USA? That's just not true, and I suspect you've been indoctrinated with more US-exceptionalism. Surrogacy is not banned in the UK, Australia, NZ, much of Europe, Iran, much of Asia, etc.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#353

Post by Drupon »

msteffen wrote: post #254
billy99k wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Before you judge the man in this story too harshly" I will judge him harshly. Instead of getting a divorce, he emotionally abused his wide and child, which probably means therapy for the child for life. He's a selfish asshole, that doesn't think about anyone but himself. He also could have brought diseases back home to his wife (Just hearing the stories of his selfishness, he would have kept this hidden or not even…

Not to mention the partner who he made move to another country and then still wouldn’t tell anyone about . The more I think about this post the more insanely controlling the guy seems!

And he cheated on that partner so much that said partner is now despondent and wants nothing to do with any memories of him ever again.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#354

Post by WheatMillington »

treis wrote: post #299
Spooky23 wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is a sad story. But I will say that events in my life have really made me regret questioning the decisions of others. I did things “right” I met my wife right after college, and I loved her dearly. We lived a happy life and have a wonderful son. We lost her a couple of years ago to cancer, followed by my parents and my mother and father in law, all of whom i was incredibly close with. Yet life carries on. I come f…

I strongly disagree. The father passed on the same trauma he experienced to his own child. It makes it worse because he knows exactly how painful it is but did it anyways. I'm watching my ex do the same thing to our kid. I understand it on a mechanical level. But on an emotional level I will never understand how you can look into the eyes of your child and hurt them. The mechanics of it are what you see in the OP. I…

I agree. I don't expect perfection from anyone, including myself. But what I expect from myself is to give my kids a better upbringing than I had - which was actually a mostly great upbringing, but we should always strive to be even better. I despise parents who hurt their kids through negligence and inaction, I find it inexcusable.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#355

Post by mensetmanusman »

lvl155 wrote: post #68

It’s always surprising to me how so many people believe in ideals. Finding love. Living happily thereafter. These are ideals and you’d be truly lucky to have it in your life. One in a billion. Life is ephemeral. We are innately fickle beings shifting from one equilibrium to another. Yet we long for a mirage of permanence.

It’s obviously part of the human condition to yearn for the ideal/divine/essential.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#356

Post by mattmaroon »

Der_Einzige wrote: post #246
mattmaroon wrote: post #105

It’s amazing to me all of the way homophobia also victimizes straight men and women and we don’t even realize the collateral damage we take from it.

Straight women brought this on themselves. Straight, especially supposedly egalitarian or leftist straight women hate bisexual men.

I’m not really sure straight women are entirely to blame for homophobia but interesting take.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#357

Post by caminante »

lazide wrote: post #303
caminante wrote: post #278

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know what you're saying, but pragmatic doesn't apply here. We're talking about secretly dating a teenager while married with children. This is more than serving "societally taboo" urges on a transactional basis.

Hey, at least the teenager didn’t get pregnant, and wasn’t related? (Cringe, I know) And also seems pretty consensual, despite the age difference. Also, no one got murdered or blackmailed to cover it up apparently? Or even bullied into leaving town? Any small town has half a dozen or more of these types of stories.

They do.

Coverups aren't exclusive to gays, and coverups are universally condemned because of the dishonesty.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#358

Post by mensetmanusman »

poisonborz wrote: post #166

Religion and tradition, the two things that elevated humanity, yet also been the source of much of its suffering.

Those are both embodied expectations of idealizations.

When people like the father never find the courage to speak, they will be harmed/destroyed/etc. in exactly the way those traditions would warn against.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#359

Post by lazide »

caminante wrote: post #357
lazide wrote: post #303

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey, at least the teenager didn’t get pregnant, and wasn’t related? (Cringe, I know) And also seems pretty consensual, despite the age difference. Also, no one got murdered or blackmailed to cover it up apparently? Or even bullied into leaving town? Any small town has half a dozen or more of these types of stories.

They do. Coverups aren't exclusive to gays, and coverups are universally condemned because of the dishonesty.

That’s what I’m saying yes? What is your point?

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#360

Post by mschild »

WheatMillington wrote: post #352
mallets wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having kids is half the reason (or more) for such marriages, nothing completes the nuclear family picture quite like it. And not like it's easy for gay couples in accepting environments to have kids either, surrogacy is banned in most countries ("liberal" ones too, US is kind of an exception here) and adoption is nigh impossible. Some countries like Italy go as far as selectively making both illegal, but only for gay…

Where did you hear that surrogacy is banned in most places outside the USA? That's just not true, and I suspect you've been indoctrinated with more US-exceptionalism. Surrogacy is not banned in the UK, Australia, NZ, much of Europe, Iran, much of Asia, etc.

Surrogacy is illegal in Spain, Germany, France, Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Norway, Finland, and Turkey. Also banned in China, some states in the US and Québec. Thats a pretty hefty chunk of the worlds population.

A lot of other countries also have a limbo status where there is either no clear law making it illegal but put so many hurdles up that its impractical.

Some countries, like Italy, also make it illegal for Italian citizens to go abroad to a country where it is legal and then do it there.

Post reply on HN