Goddamit.
Zero new features is clean. It's communicable. It lets Cook, as he departs, harken back to quintessential Jobs. It will sell phones. It will sell Macs. And it implies perfection in a way only Apple, historically, has been able to nail and sell.
Nobody is buying an incremental iPhone or Mac because Siri recovered from lobotomy. The decision to water down zero new features with a douse of Giannandrea reeks of office politics.