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After my dad died, we found the love letters

jenn.site

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Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#311

Post by senordevnyc »

ta9000 wrote: post #307
ericmcer wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can extrapolate this on to anyones life, not just someone with such a huge and dramatic secret they were hiding for the stability of their family life. If your parents get old/sick or you have kids or a bad relationship or you get stuck in a job or any other myriad life events occur, the weight of your own days can suddenly drain so much time and energy that years fly by. Suddenly you wake up in an aging body and…

And this is why society is going to shit. “Live free, no regrets” has to be one of the most narcissistic memes I’ve ever heard of. If a person commits to a partner and/or a family, they shouldn’t just hit the reset button because they’re bored or upset with how life turned out. Talk to your partner. Tell them the truth. It’s wild that this has to even be said. Obvious caveats for abuse or depression, but come on. Hav…

No one advocated for anything you're railing against.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#312

Post by fransje26 »

noduerme wrote: post #58
quitit wrote: post #38

From reading both posts, there's a few things that come to my mind: - It seems this is how the author is processing her father's passing, and it's not really up to us to make moral calls on the content of the posts. They are thoughts with gaps of missing context against a real life of highs and lows which is not readily condensed into a blog post. - I'm peering into the life of a private person, that feels like a vio…

I agree with all of what you say, and while I thought the author was very good, I think calling him a coward was an unnecessary stroke of vanity and bitterness. For the same reason that no one can ever know what's inside another person's mind, much less a child understand their parents.

> I think calling him a coward was an unnecessary stroke of vanity and bitterness.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

In the process of grieving, when the emotions are at their rawest, it is difficult to not have knee-jerk reactions to the emotions that are piling-up fast and strong.

Except for that very slip, I actually found the piece impressively objective, level-headed, compassionate and open-minded.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#313

Post by treis »

KronisLV wrote: post #187

I read the linked post as well: https://jenn.site/my-dad-could-still-be-alive-but-hes-not/ > i learn the story afterwards. dad went upstairs for a lie-down after dinner, but was awoken by severe chest pain. he vomits, which is a thing he never does, and asks mom to call 911 immediately. she does and provides all the symptoms, the dispatcher tells her that they've sent for an ambulance, and they should get ready to go…

This is something I've noticed with EMTs & Ambulances. They don't actually move all that fast and I'm sure they have their reasons. But it's always seemed like driving to the hospital would be better and I wonder how much truth there is to that.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#314

Post by throw4847285 »

vacuity wrote: post #224
schneems wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree. To me, it's like a blameless retro. You can either seek understanding or seek blame, but not both at once. The author seemingly had a lot of judgement and blame for the dad before finding this out. It sounds like they are seeking understanding. I think the last line makes that clear: > the evening we found the love letters. his entire life, and mine as well And it's not to say someone can't attach judgement…

The notions of "blame", "excuse", and "forgiveness" are strange to me now. I want to say that understanding is key, and everything else follows from understanding. If I understand a person's action, I should act, according to my values, regarding that person. Consistency to one's values is also key. Any emotions, feelings, etc. should either be recognized in my values or shouldn't interfere. If I am to praise or elev…

I recommend reading Susan Wolf's essay "Blame, Italian Style." It's a response to TM Scanlon's contractualist approach (as made famous by the TV Show The Good Place), and it is a vigorous defense of a concept of blame that includes emotions such as anger. Even if you've never read any Moral Psychology, it's accessible and thought-provoking.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#315

Post by tempestn »

dpark wrote: post #294
anon84873628 wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Um, you don't see the problem with that when it's your father / husband?

“Problem” is not the same thing as “abuse”.

Coercing someone to remain in a loveless marriage while you abandon and repeatedly cheat on them sure is though.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#316

Post by creata »

eptcyka wrote: post #274
tsol wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People seem to disagree with this comment but it makes sense. Lots of people get no genuine sexually or emotional attention sure to severe disabilities, cultural incompatibility, weight issues, or simply because they don't know how to socialize properly. It's odd to say they can't live a full life, just because they didn't kiss a girl in the 9th grade. If relationships are so key to the human experience, the incels w…

Human relationships are a key part of most lives. Incels might have a point, but that does not imply that they have a solution to their own woes.

Yep. The world's a cruel place. The only choice for some people is to look beyond it for happiness.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#317

Post by Drupon »

pavlov wrote: post #239
billy99k wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Before you judge the man in this story too harshly" I will judge him harshly. Instead of getting a divorce, he emotionally abused his wide and child, which probably means therapy for the child for life. He's a selfish asshole, that doesn't think about anyone but himself. He also could have brought diseases back home to his wife (Just hearing the stories of his selfishness, he would have kept this hidden or not even…

It’s really easy to prescribe what other people should do when you don’t have to walk a yard in their shoes.

Most of are out here in our own shoes walking home faithfully to our own spouse. The man in the story neglected his own spouse and CHILD to go and spend time with another partner.

I understand not being warm and loving toward a wife you were forced to marry, even if I also know it means you're punishing her on top of the fact that she's dealing with the same thing. To ask her own family to verbally abuse her into not divorcing you so that you have the LUXURY of staying closeted and hooking up with various partners during the height of the AIDS epidemic.

But to treat your child as worth nothing to you like this man did is a disgrace. I'm glad the author isn't taking it personally. Imagine growing up effectively without a father because another man has taken all of his affection away from you and your family.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#318

Post by tempestn »

lvl155 wrote: post #89
throwaway142351 wrote: post #59

I'm a dad too, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My son is under five, and it feels like I'm still at the very beginning of his story. I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. It felt easier to stay closeted. Easier to date a woman. Easier to move in together, propose, get married, and even have a child than to face my truth. I lo…

Do what’s best for your son. There’s nothing that will overcome that guilt. Not saying what’s best for your son is for you to reveal the truth now or later. That’s entirely situational and only you know.

I don't think it's fair to consider only the son in this. I'd say do what's best for both your son and your wife. And to me that's pretty clearly telling his wife the truth here.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#319

Post by mensetmanusman »

geoffmanning wrote: post #133
l2silver wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's too much apologizing for people's horrible actions these days. Nearly everyone is a sympathetic character when you get to know them, but that doesn't excuse them. There were other people, in his situation, who took different approaches that didn't result in locking a woman away in a loveless marriage for her entire life. I'm sure a lot of us come from easier situations, but the people who come from hard situa…

I'm not apologizing for anyone's actions. This is not to say he is a good person. It is to say that there isn't enough evidence to judge one as a bad person. A lot of good people have made bad choices, and these writings reflect a mere sliver of a man's life choices from the very thin perspective of one person's grief laid bare.

There are good and bad actions, not people.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#320

Post by Drupon »

dpark wrote: post #294
anon84873628 wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Um, you don't see the problem with that when it's your father / husband?

“Problem” is not the same thing as “abuse”.

>because you see, my dad was a coward. mom had started asking for divorces by the time i was in my teens, and dad was the one who always said no. he would complain to her mother, a traditionalist, to ensure that she would berate her daughter back into line. his family and his culture had no place for him, so he used her as a shield to make sure that he would be spared the scrutiny.

What exactly do you call that? NoT ThE SAmE ThInG As "AbuSE"?

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