After my dad died, we found the love letters • Hacker News Board

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#151

Post by mallets » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:01 PM UTC

JKCalhoun wrote: post #146

pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

I wasn't in any way judging the father harshly when I read it. I also read between the lines that there was additionally "traditional Asian culture" as another factor. I only questioned why he would have brought kids into the "union", but I can easily imagine that it was his wife's desire. A very sad story in general. I lost my mom a few years ago and I suspect I'll go to my grave still very sad about the could-have-…

Having kids is half the reason (or more) for such marriages, nothing completes the nuclear family picture quite like it. And not like it's easy for gay couples in accepting environments to have kids either, surrogacy is banned in most countries ("liberal" ones too, US is kind of an exception here) and adoption is nigh impossible. Some countries like Italy go as far as selectively making both illegal, but only for gay couples.

I would say many asian parents care very little about the partner, as long as they get their grandkids. A mix of that and "what would society think".

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#152

Post by ryanjshaw » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:01 PM UTC

pfdietz wrote: post #142

ryanjshaw wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There’s a big difference between changing and lying. I wouldn’t be happy if my spouse lied to me.

I wouldn't be happy either, but I'd be understanding. Everyone is human. Everyone lies, even to themselves.

Not all lies are equal. Marriage is a contract built on trust and commitment. When you have been lying about that specifically, you have defrauded someone.

You’ve stolen time and emotional energy from these people. They can never get those years back.

Your children have been deprived of seeing parents role modeling romantic love. They have built their entire world views based on your behavior towards your spouse, which incorporated subtle lies and deception.

The victims of your fraud now have to deal with second guessing which things you said might be true and which might be lies - you shatter everything they ever believed throughout the marriage. It is a horrendous thing to put people through.

So can I understand why they did it? Sure. But I will definitely judge them for their actions and not support them.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#153

Post by bad_haircut72 » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:03 PM UTC

gedy wrote: post #96

throwaway142351 wrote: post #59

I'm a dad too, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My son is under five, and it feels like I'm still at the very beginning of his story. I've known I was gay since high school, probably even earlier, but I kept choosing whatever seemed like the easiest path. It felt easier to stay closeted. Easier to date a woman. Easier to move in together, propose, get married, and even have a child than to face my truth. I lo…

Since you took this path, I'd suggest you not have affairs while married. Either divorce now or consider waiting 10 years while your son really needs you.

Yeah if you wanna be closeted, fine - live like it then. Otherwise it proves getting your dick wet is actually more important to you than the wife and child you claim to love.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#154

Post by bonsai_spool » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:04 PM UTC

Freak_NL wrote: post #122

pcthrowaway wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many readers rely on articles being written in a specific language, does that mean every writer is obligated to publish every piece in every language? Has it occurred to anyone who sees capitalization as a must-have for legibility, that an opportunity is being presented to train oneself to read text without traditional capitalization? Maybe it's because I studied poetry, or because I was a voracious reader of experim…

There is no obligation at all (my comment did not include any must beyond that being a requirement for broadly accessible text either). Merely the observation that if you want to write accessible text in any chosen language, following conventions means that you expand your reach. Experimental language has its place. I can quite enjoy that too depending on the context. But combining the wish to convey a story or messa…

> since most authors seem to regard such text as unnecessarily harsh on their readers.

To push back on this, following convention is often the easy thing to do (so not something regarded versus defaulted to).

There's a literary history of form influencing story; there was even a story about a famous example of this on HN recently that discussed this year's Nobel laureate—who notably publishes long novels that play with punctuation conventions: https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/against-high-brodernism/

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#155

Post by oh_my_goodness » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:05 PM UTC

Alt-F4 wrote: post #129

quitit wrote: post #38

From reading both posts, there's a few things that come to my mind: - It seems this is how the author is processing her father's passing, and it's not really up to us to make moral calls on the content of the posts. They are thoughts with gaps of missing context against a real life of highs and lows which is not readily condensed into a blog post. - I'm peering into the life of a private person, that feels like a vio…

[flagged]

I hope this comment finally seals my departure from HN. Lots of very thoughtful people here but the small toxic fraction is still too high.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#156

Post by caminante » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:06 PM UTC

anal_reactor wrote: post #132

pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

My father had an affair, with a woman. It came to light but remained contained within the family. My parents are still married. The whole situation taught me that life is complicated and sometimes situations that seem morally obvious on the surface can actually be very difficult and have lots of nuance. When I was a teenager I dated a married man. On paper it's easier to explain "gay dude in a homophobic society" but…

This is the sober take.

People will try to explain away all kinds of behaviors that violate trust a la "they'll never find out..."

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#157

Post by Invictus0 » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:09 PM UTC

dartharva wrote: post #51

Interesting anecdote, but for the life of me I can't understand what relevance this blogpost could have here on HackerNews

not everything in life is databases and ai

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#158

Post by fakedang » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:09 PM UTC

l2silver wrote: post #111

crossroadsguy wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have heard this play out too many times. Most recently here, a college junior's wife revealed four months after marriage that she is actually a lesbian (she didn't share it – he caught her in their bedroom with a colleague of hers when he returned home early from the office), and he would be free to do what he wants; she should be too. Hit him hard, but he said they should go for an annulment— out of question; a di…

I think I am totally naive on this subject, why was the divorce so hard for him? In that society, they just don't let you get divorced unless both parties agree to it? And with the evidence he had of her being a lesbian, does that mean nothing? What is even the point of divorce in that society?

Because it's the great nation of India, where harassment and dowry cases and custody laws swing hard in favor of the wife. Which has resulted in the worst of both worlds - poor women who won't even see a the light of day in front of a courthouse, never mind inside it, continue to be oppressed by their husbands, while wealthy women tired of their marriages hire ever-more-eager lawyers and slap false dowry cases on their ex-husbands.

A guy, Atul Subhash, recently (about a year ago) committed suicide because his ex-wife and her family slapped false dowry cases against him and his extremely aged parents. Another case, a woman named Jasleen Kaur falsely accused a guy of sexual harassment, because they had a minor argument on the street. That case took 4 years, and in the meantime, Jasleen went to Canada to study, received the then Chief Minister's support and never appeared in court even once. Meanwhile the guy, Savjit, was arrested, had to post bail, was called "National Predator" and "Delhi's Pervert" on mainstream media, and received zilch for all the harassment he received. After he was acquitted, he pressed criminal charges against Jasleen and her family for false accusations, but the courts threw that case away because apparently "loss of reputation" isn't enough to press charges.

All of this in a backdrop where poor women are raped, sometimes even murdered, every single minute, while actual rapists walk free and often even freely contest and win elections on the current ruling party's ticket. Yeah, India is super fucked.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#159

Post by bad_haircut72 » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:10 PM UTC

71bw wrote: post #104

pfdietz wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm straight and love my wife of 44 years. But I long ago made the thought experiment of what would happen if she were in the same kind of situation you were in: what if she decided I was a mistake, or that being in a relation with a man was a mistake, and that she needed to do something else. I decided that would require I support her in that. How can you love someone and not want what is best for them, even if that…

I can relate to this probably the most out of everything I've seen on HN so far. My fiancee is pansexual and overall seems to prefer women, so I surely am quite a bit of a surprise in her life (to the point where her family laughed at the fact that I 'fixed her' the first time I met them...) as a straight man. I know she loves me, I love her with all my heart but I am aware that at some point she may want to change m…

For you and anyone else reading this I recommend the book "the designer relationship" - its actually about polyamory but I think it does a great job solidifying the concept that really, a relationship between two people can be basically whatever they want it to be, not defined by social norms. What comes first is open and honest communication and negotating through hard conversations to find a way of mutually meeting everyones needs

FWIW my wife is bi and dates women, not that really ever bothered me but in no way has it ever been more damaging to our marriage beyond basic scheduling conflicts. I will admit I would have had a much harder time opening up to her being with other men though. Im lucky that she has never fallen in love and wanted to run away with one of em I guess, but partly thats because our marriage is otherwise great and shes already free to explore her gay side so why would she want to leave?

https://www.amazon.com/Designer-Relationships-Monogamy-Polya...

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#160

Post by djohnston » Sun, Nov 23, 2025, 2:11 PM UTC

astura wrote: post #144

aprilthird2021 wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's mind-boggling to me how many commenters are here to defend the honor of a serial adulterer who broke the hearts of the people most related to and dependent upon him. Truly can't understand where this sympathy comes from...

>Truly can't understand where this sympathy comes from... It's because they have no experience with have such a bad person in a supposed "caregiver" role in their life so their minds literally can't imagine it. They think he just MUST be misunderstood instead of just callous and uncaring. Or they are a parent and can't imagine not carit about their own child, so they assume it must be a universal thing, and the fathe…

That isn’t true at all so don’t speak to my experience. I grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic who wasn’t an adulterer. It was total shit. If he had instead been closeted and cheating without ever disclosing it, as seems to be the case here, it would have been vastly preferable to have a distant father than what I actually lived with.

So respectfully stfu because you have no idea what you’re talking about.