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After my dad died, we found the love letters

jenn.site

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Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#141

Post by [deleted] »

l2silver wrote: post #121
geoffmanning wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> No, he is a bad person! Ffs That is quite the judgement of a person you've never known, based solely on the view of one person's brief writing processing a deeply emotional experience. Your judgement reflects poorly on you.

There's too much apologizing for people's horrible actions these days. Nearly everyone is a sympathetic character when you get to know them, but that doesn't excuse them. There were other people, in his situation, who took different approaches that didn't result in locking a woman away in a loveless marriage for her entire life. I'm sure a lot of us come from easier situations, but the people who come from hard situa…

[deleted]

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#142

Post by pfdietz »

ryanjshaw wrote: post #127
pfdietz wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm straight and love my wife of 44 years. But I long ago made the thought experiment of what would happen if she were in the same kind of situation you were in: what if she decided I was a mistake, or that being in a relation with a man was a mistake, and that she needed to do something else. I decided that would require I support her in that. How can you love someone and not want what is best for them, even if that…

There’s a big difference between changing and lying. I wouldn’t be happy if my spouse lied to me.

I wouldn't be happy either, but I'd be understanding. Everyone is human. Everyone lies, even to themselves.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#143

Post by judahmeek »

crossroadsguy wrote: post #87
pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

I have heard this play out too many times. Most recently here, a college junior's wife revealed four months after marriage that she is actually a lesbian (she didn't share it – he caught her in their bedroom with a colleague of hers when he returned home early from the office), and he would be free to do what he wants; she should be too. Hit him hard, but he said they should go for an annulment— out of question; a di…

Your comment definitely made it sound like the victim/husband's suffering came from the culture they lived in, not the wife's actions directly.

So I vote for bad system, not bad people.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#144

Post by astura »

aprilthird2021 wrote: post #84
djohnston wrote: post #13

This is a sad story but I don’t like that the onus is entirely on the father to have ended things and lived his best life. He also was under pressure. He also had a family and was trying to juggle things the best way he knew how. It is tragic to live this way but I cannot consider him a villain of any sort.

It's mind-boggling to me how many commenters are here to defend the honor of a serial adulterer who broke the hearts of the people most related to and dependent upon him. Truly can't understand where this sympathy comes from...

>Truly can't understand where this sympathy comes from...

It's because they have no experience with have such a bad person in a supposed "caregiver" role in their life so their minds literally can't imagine it. They think he just MUST be misunderstood instead of just callous and uncaring.

Or they are a parent and can't imagine not carit about their own child, so they assume it must be a universal thing, and the father MUST have loved her, even if he didn't show it. Truth is, a fuck ton of people don't love, like, or give two shits about their own children. These people do exist.

It's a truly cruel cognitive dissonance.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#145

Post by James_K »

moralestapia wrote: post #113
Mistletoe wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah kind of wish I hadn’t read that one. But the whole truth is always best to know. Somehow makes his story so much more sad. Edit: Oh my goodness didn’t realize this was the same Dad from: https://jenn.site/my-dad-could-still-be-alive-but-hes-not/

[flagged]

Gross.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#146

Post by JKCalhoun »

pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

I wasn't in any way judging the father harshly when I read it. I also read between the lines that there was additionally "traditional Asian culture" as another factor.

I only questioned why he would have brought kids into the "union", but I can easily imagine that it was his wife's desire.

A very sad story in general. I lost my mom a few years ago and I suspect I'll go to my grave still very sad about the could-have-beens.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#147

Post by James_K »

siva7 wrote: post #60

Did it ever occur to her that he wanted a child with his wife? That he loved his wife - even though not romantically? And still had a happy life as a father of her? The author seems to have many misconceptions about gay people..

It does not sound as such if you read the content of the post. It's hardly a misconception to suggest that gay men do not generally fall in love with women.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#148

Post by astura »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #79
siva7 wrote: post #60

Did it ever occur to her that he wanted a child with his wife? That he loved his wife - even though not romantically? And still had a happy life as a father of her? The author seems to have many misconceptions about gay people..

The author mentions in the follow-up that she is gay herself.

She also mentioned it in TFA too.

Re: After my dad died, we found the love letters

#149

Post by arkitct »

pavlov wrote: post #75

Ouch. This hits incredibly hard. I’ve been this dad who sits frozen at the TV every evening. I had the affairs with the emotionally unavailable men, and became one myself. Before you judge the man in this story too harshly — and there’s certainly much to judge, especially given the follow-up post — consider the environment he and I grew up in. Being gay as a young teenager in the early 1990s could feel literally like…

pavlov: Thank you for sharing!
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