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How to tolerate annoying things

psyche.co

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Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#31

Post by PaulDavisThe1st »

turnsout wrote: post #25
hexbin010 wrote: post #12

I have insane admiration for and quite a serious amount of jealousy of people who are able to sail through life with with every setback sailing right past them, leaving no trace or mark. I've noticed it more in people who had a comfortable upringing and no money worries. Oh dear, dinner is burnt? No worries just order takeout! Lost your passport a few days before a holiday - no sweat, just pay the fast track processi…

I think you might want to examine your assumption that there are people who "sail through life." It may seem that way from the outside, and you may even observe people handling everyday stressors well. But I promise you, everyone is struggling. Everyone suffers. (btw, that's actually the first Noble Truth of Buddhism). But you can learn ways to separate the stress you can't control from the stress you can control (yo…

Years ago I heard someone, possibly on NPR's Fresh Air, talking about how thoughts were a lot like food: just as we can make decisions about what we eat - "no, I am not going to eat that (now|today|ever)" - we can also learn to identify thoughts that have negative effects on us and when they happen we can choose not to think them.

At the time, this sounded a bit fanciful and just a bit ridiculous to me. Over the decades since, it has come to be one of my foundational philosophies. Obviously, I am unable to stick to it all the time, just as I sometimes eat food that I know is going to make me feel bad. But it's there as a guiding principle, all the time.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#32

Post by pwg »

ndr42 wrote: post #4

From the article: Micro-stressors such as running late [...] represent the unavoidable pain that comes with being human. Is running late really unavoidable? I think there are proven strategies to avoid it. (My wife and one of my sons on the other hand would agree that it is in fact unavoidable) Edit: added missing word

> Is running late really unavoidable?

Given the full breadth of "unavoidable", yes. As there can always be something completely out of your control that will make you late, despite your best efforts to be prepared.

But, for the majority of the habitually late, it is merely a direct result of their own actions, and so is indeed "avoidable" from that extent.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#34

Post by colechristensen »

hexbin010 wrote: post #12

I have insane admiration for and quite a serious amount of jealousy of people who are able to sail through life with with every setback sailing right past them, leaving no trace or mark. I've noticed it more in people who had a comfortable upringing and no money worries. Oh dear, dinner is burnt? No worries just order takeout! Lost your passport a few days before a holiday - no sweat, just pay the fast track processi…

It's not money. It's attachment to expectations.

No amount of poverty or wealth will reduce your road rage. How you react to people not following the rules of the road as you expect them is on you.

If a toddler spills juice on your dress on your wedding day, rich or poor you're just going to have a stained dress and whether you scream or laugh about it really doesn't have anything to do with money.

Money is an adaptation but certainly not the only one to unexpected difficulty. It is easy to fantasize that everything would be better just if you had x, but that's a scapegoat that lets you be the way that you are because you're powerless to do something about it... it's wrong. How you react to the world is in your power and it's free. And very often it's exactly the reverse, poverty isn't giving you a bad attitude, having a bad attitude is making and keeping you poor.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#36

Post by colechristensen »

Lyngbakr wrote: post #11
gregschlom wrote: post #2

I've been reading No Mud, No Lotus recently ( https://www.parallax.org/product/no-mud-no-lotus/ ) by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh and this is very much the same advice. This book has brought me immense joy, I'd recommend it to anyone. It's fascinating how much Buddhism has gotten "right".

I certainly agree with your take on Buddhism, but I often find that sage advice is buried amongst spiritual waffle in Buddhist books.

But that's what religion is, wisdom and nonsense mixed together by people who didn't yet have the benefit of the great filter to separate the wisdom from the nonsense: science.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#37

Post by cootsnuck »

PaulDavisThe1st wrote: post #31
turnsout wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you might want to examine your assumption that there are people who "sail through life." It may seem that way from the outside, and you may even observe people handling everyday stressors well. But I promise you, everyone is struggling. Everyone suffers. (btw, that's actually the first Noble Truth of Buddhism). But you can learn ways to separate the stress you can't control from the stress you can control (yo…

Years ago I heard someone, possibly on NPR's Fresh Air, talking about how thoughts were a lot like food: just as we can make decisions about what we eat - "no, I am not going to eat that (now|today|ever)" - we can also learn to identify thoughts that have negative effects on us and when they happen we can choose not to think them. At the time, this sounded a bit fanciful and just a bit ridiculous to me. Over the deca…

Yup, I've realized similar. "You are what you eat" and also "You are what you think". But like you said, it's not about scrutinizing every single thing you think/eat but more about recognizing patterns and seeing if those patterns are aligned with your own values.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#38

Post by Trasmatta »

colechristensen wrote: post #34
hexbin010 wrote: post #12

I have insane admiration for and quite a serious amount of jealousy of people who are able to sail through life with with every setback sailing right past them, leaving no trace or mark. I've noticed it more in people who had a comfortable upringing and no money worries. Oh dear, dinner is burnt? No worries just order takeout! Lost your passport a few days before a holiday - no sweat, just pay the fast track processi…

It's not money. It's attachment to expectations. No amount of poverty or wealth will reduce your road rage. How you react to people not following the rules of the road as you expect them is on you. If a toddler spills juice on your dress on your wedding day, rich or poor you're just going to have a stained dress and whether you scream or laugh about it really doesn't have anything to do with money. Money is an adapta…

> No amount of poverty or wealth will reduce your road rage. How you react to people not following the rules of the road as you expect them is on you.

Yes, but being raised in poverty can be inherently traumatic, and adverse childhood experiences (like those frequently experienced during poverty) can reduce a person's capacity for dealing with stressors. You might benefit from reading the latest research on trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and CPTSD.

Re: How to tolerate annoying things

#39

Post by is_true »

hexbin010 wrote: post #12

I have insane admiration for and quite a serious amount of jealousy of people who are able to sail through life with with every setback sailing right past them, leaving no trace or mark. I've noticed it more in people who had a comfortable upringing and no money worries. Oh dear, dinner is burnt? No worries just order takeout! Lost your passport a few days before a holiday - no sweat, just pay the fast track processi…

I think the opposite is true, too.

With some friends we make a couple of "stressful" escapades every year and since I started doing it I feel that most things don't worry.

Nothing I do regularly in my daily life equals being lost in the mountains not being sure if we are gonna make it. It gives you some perspective.

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