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Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

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Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#91
post #71

Next time tell him that if he isn't going to provide something constructive to the meeting, that he won't be allowed to join further ones. As long as you make it clear from your tone and wording, that this is not you being aggressive in any way but you protecting the time of the team from distractions, the rest of the team shouldn't see you any different than before.

Don’t do this in front of the team. This sort of message should be delivered privately. Doubt this is the way to go anyway but it’s definitely not something to say during the meeting.

I would 100% do it anytime because at some point enough is enough and you as the lead should have the backbone to put him into place. Best things is he shuts up forever, worst thing is he get's pissed off, goes to the manager and the manager sides with you anyways because you're known to be a good employee and he quits by himself/gets fired.

Obviously this is a rare thing to do, but from reading the other comments it's miles better than being bullied out, quitting and letting the other person continue with that attitude

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not your responsibility to fix it. Just like if someone showed up drunk at work, showing up with an unacceptable behavior should be seen in a similar lens.

Not about responsibility. Just makes your life easier. Noone is saying it's acceptable, just offering advice on how to mitigate the situation. Should is the keyword of your last sentence. In a perfect world sure, but the world is not that. You never know, you may even become friends. Doesn't hurt to attempt once at least.

Seeking everyone's approval is not a good mindset.

You are not there to win a popularity contest but to articulate what is needed clearly, keep people focused, unblocked and to get things done.

If you worry too much about being liked by everyone your mental health will suffer. You just have to accept some people won't like you.

Also comes across as insecure and less fit for leadership roles.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#95
post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The guy clearly is an underperformer that knows he cannot win through merit and instead wants to win by playing dirty. Do not reward aggression towards you with attention and empathy. You have to stay away from such people. The guy is likely someone with behavioral issues, bad personality traits and the undermining/sabotage could be a sign of a low skill workplace psychopath trying to manipulate and create a psychopa…

“Do not reward aggression towards you with attention and empathy.” Source? I really dislike this style of framing.

What source can you possibly be looking for lmao

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#97
post #95
post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Do not reward aggression towards you with attention and empathy.” Source? I really dislike this style of framing.

What source can you possibly be looking for lmao

Yes: haha. Seems like an arbitrary rule stated unambiguously enough that it ought to have a factual basis. But I don’t think it does.

I think it’s an emptily authoritative and somehow acceptable heuristic that works for some and not others.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#98
post #7

VP of Eng here. If we take your statements at face value, your manager isn’t doing his job. Toxic employees are death to companies and it’s management’s job to get rid of them. (After attempting to address the issue. But my experience is that toxics are gonna toxic. Don’t coddle them.) If you’re willing to lightly scorch some bridges, talk to your skip-level manager. If that doesn’t work, or you don’t want to, your b…

Yeah, fuck your boss. Guys an asshole. He knows how stressful it is for you and either doesn't do something about it because the guy's nice to him, or because he's threatened by you and he knows that having this dickhead around gives him leverage against you. Worst-case scenario: he's just plain incompetent. I guess there is no worst-case scenario. They're all terrible.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#100
The manager is spot on, how can passive aggressive comments even annoy you. Should run off like water. You are feeding the troll and complaining about it is not leading. Burnout means you are taking this personally which it isn’t since any lead will get the treatment. If he is really incurable toxic give him enough rope.
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