Empathy for Dummies • Hacker News Board

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#31

Post by Froztnova » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:00 PM UTC

dogleash wrote: post #18

"Empathy" is one of those words that's used as a proxy for a lot of related ideas, but splitting those hairs can be interpreted by some as disagreement with those ideas themselves. I've witnessed people extol the virtues of empathy to me, while on other occasions they talk about people they dislike with venom and disdain. A level of disdain that I have never held in my heart against anyone, but they throw it around c…

I've observed this as well. It feels like we need an equivalent to "humble bragging" for empathy. Empathy bragging?

It's like they've tricked themselves into thinking that they're very empathetic when what they really feel is particularly strong in-group/outgroup affinity/antipathy.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#32

Post by ajuc » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:01 PM UTC

> Empathy is when you try your best to build an accurate model of someone else’s world in order to better understand them.

That's cognitive empathy.

What most people ask you for is emotional empathy = experiencing (as opposed to modeling) the emotions of others.

It's not even that important to experience actual emotions of others. Even empathetic people are often mistaken about what emotions other people feel. Somebody might be sad for different reason than you think. Or they might actually be happy just pretending to be sad. An empathetic observer would still feel sad for that person, and it's still empathy even if the information it's based on is wrong.

What's important is the intent and the consequences of experiencing the possible emotions of other people. If you feel bad when somebody else is suffering, you're more likely to treat them well and less likely to abuse them.

That's what people are asking you for - to treat others better and not to abuse them.

BTW some people don't have emotional empathy, and it's not their fault. You can still be a decent human being. It's just harder.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#33

Post by crims0n » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:04 PM UTC

rob74 wrote: post #16

yapyap wrote: post #5

If people (multiple)are straight up telling you to be more empathetic it probably means you are being a dick.

Yeah, "being a dick" is kind of the opposite of "being empathetic". Case in point: the current US administration ( https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/sin-empath... )

This isn't reddit, you don't need to inject politics where it does not belong.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#34

Post by mbfg » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:05 PM UTC

TLDR: I can manipulate you more for my benefit by being empathetic.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#35

Post by weeb » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:09 PM UTC

dogleash wrote: post #18

"Empathy" is one of those words that's used as a proxy for a lot of related ideas, but splitting those hairs can be interpreted by some as disagreement with those ideas themselves. I've witnessed people extol the virtues of empathy to me, while on other occasions they talk about people they dislike with venom and disdain. A level of disdain that I have never held in my heart against anyone, but they throw it around c…

There are commonly used terms for different types of empathy[1] which makes these conversations a lot easier. People often generalise, or misinterpret a lower level of one type of empathy for another - for example, some autistic individuals have lower cognitive empathy but heightened levels of affective empathy. The definition in this blogpost focuses entirely on cognitive empathy, but I bet the people telling them to be "more empathetic" were talking more about compassionate empathy.

[1] https://embrace-autism.com/the-different-types-of-empathy/

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#36

Post by rco8786 » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:11 PM UTC

drakonka wrote: post #10

I always thought of empathy as being able to really relate, emotionally, to what another person is feeling/going through. As a kid I'd sometimes see people crying together on TV when something bad happens to one of them and wonder if that really happens in real life. Even though it wasn't something that came naturally to me in the past, I still tried to be a decent person and adjust my behavior where relevant, and tr…

Oh dang every sentence of this had me relating more and more as I read it.

The last 10ish years of my life have been an emotional education journey, where previously I was a “logic above all else” kind of person. Like you, I feel like I can relate to other people now in a way I never thought possible. And also it’s brought about anxiety and self-doubt that was never here before.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#37

Post by mbg721 » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:22 PM UTC

drakonka wrote: post #10

I always thought of empathy as being able to really relate, emotionally, to what another person is feeling/going through. As a kid I'd sometimes see people crying together on TV when something bad happens to one of them and wonder if that really happens in real life. Even though it wasn't something that came naturally to me in the past, I still tried to be a decent person and adjust my behavior where relevant, and tr…

Some life-events are just "big", and it can be very-difficult-to-impossible to relate to that experience if you haven't had one of a similar scale yourself. I still struggle with expressing the emotion "I have fortunately not had that happen to me, but what you have lived through is awful."

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#38

Post by erokar » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:27 PM UTC

The premise of this piece and the way it's written gives me the feeling this applies to neurodivergent people on the autism spectrum, not dummies in general.

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#39

Post by nilirl » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:36 PM UTC

balamatom wrote: post #21

nilirl wrote: post #15

Instead of asking people why they're asking you "to be more empathetic", maybe you should ask yourself why you're prompting such a request?

That's a tautology and already answered in TFA. You're prompting the request because you are not being sufficiently obedient.

That's setting up a straw man.

By framing an argument against semantics or social obedience, you're ignoring self-implicating behavior; you're intentionally ignoring people's needs.

Why not ask "What am I doing wrong?" instead of "Hmm ... what is the nature of empathy? How may a linguist view the word? What is it's function? Ah! Is there an interesting generalization I can find here? Wow, let us dig deeper, this is no time to consider how I treat other people."

Re: Empathy for Dummies

#40

Post by ralfd » Wed, Oct 08, 2025, 2:37 PM UTC

uberman wrote: post #30

Fricken wrote: post #7

Empathy is not sympathy. If my sports team beats your sports team, I can empathize with your feelings of loss but I don't sympathize. We win and you lose, lol. Conversely, as someone who has never experienced a terminal disease, I'll admit that I cannot really empathize with someone who is experiencing such a thing. I've read books and watched movies and heard testimonials, and yet still I don't really know what it's…

You have it backwards at least as how the terms are defined. I admit though that they are often used as synonyms. https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/sympathy-empathy-dif...

> Empathy involves actively sharing in the person’s emotional experience.

hm, i think Fricken has it right: He is actively sharing in the other persons emotional experience, it just is that he is feeling glee about it.

Actually the higher the empathy (knowing that the other person is a superfan and knowing how much the other teams losing sucks for them) the higher the delight.

It is similar in war: If you are in the trenches you know exactly how your enemy in their trench is feeling (and know how they are feeling about you). But that doesnt mean they get your solidarity or mercy.