Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

bessstillman.substack.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

81–90 of 227 posts

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#81

Post by drivingmenuts »

donatj wrote: post #47

One of my best friends died 12 years ago in our late 20s. I know he is dead, and yet a couple times a month I think, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in a while, I should text him!" before my logical brain kicks in and lets me know the deal. There is a dumb part of me that wants to believe, "Oh, he probably faked his death to get out of debt." He was such a schemer, if anyone would, he would. It was an open casket funera…

My best friend of 25 years died 4 years ago and I still think of him at least once a week, wishing I could talk to him. It was almost a year before I could even talk about him without completely breaking down. I never once thought: "oh, this is a medical issue". It was just me having the same problems processing my grief that American men have because we're not raised to talk stuff out. Once I did start talking about it, it got easier and easier to deal with.

I still miss that guy, though.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#82

Post by margalabargala »

Aurornis wrote: post #28
aeturnum wrote: post #17

> We medicalize grief because we fear it. I think this is just incorrect. You are not obligated to seek treatment for most medical problems[1]. The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in and when people enter a situation where they may need external help. One of the diagnostic criteria, which this article mentions, is that y…

> The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in The problem is that medical diagnoses and therapy speak have spilled over into common language where they’re so diluted that they’re not accurate any more. For many there is no line drawn anywhere because they are self-diagnosing based on flawed understandings as soon as any feeli…

> I’ve been offered helpful links to TikTok ADHD influencers to help me understand them

To be fair, giving you an example of someone else who performatively pretends to have a mental illness is a great way to understand them.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#83

Post by entropicdrifter »

aeturnum wrote: post #59
Aurornis wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in The problem is that medical diagnoses and therapy speak have spilled over into common language where they’re so diluted that they’re not accurate any more. For many there is no line drawn anywhere because they are self-diagnosing based on flawed understandings as soon as any feeli…

What you're describing is a big problem [edit: for the people who get sucked into it] and, to me, is kind of the "other side" of the overmedicalization issue that this blog is complaining about. One way medicalization harms is is when people are forced into conditions they don't agree with (as the author feels they have been). The other way is when people who aren't medical professionals (and wouldn't be in a positio…

>Basically if you like using a medical term to describe your experience ("I'm being really OCD today") I don't think there's much harm in it and you may find coping mechanisms for people with ODC helpful as a bonus.

I was with you up until this point. My wife has C-PTSD, Bipolar type 2 and ADHD, along with what her psychologist describes as "Social OCD". I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain to other people that her mental illnesses are real and some days she and I just can't hang out because she smelled a smell that gave her flashbacks. Because people have normalized the language, they think "triggered" just means upset. For someone with real PTSD, it doesn't mean upset, it means their mind has come unstuck in time and they don't know who to trust or sometimes even what is real. Sometimes this lasts 5 minutes, sometimes it lasts almost all day. She just loses that time, and all I can do is try to calm her down and try to get her to take medication to re-stabilize her.

My wife has been in therapy with a PhD psychologist for 11 years, and only just this year has gotten to the point where it seems like she could probably hold down a job and keep her trauma compartmentalized like most people do all the time. People normalize the language for these debilitating full-blown disabilities and then don't understand the gravity of the situation when somebody with a legitimate mental illness of that sort of degree comes along.

Co-opting medical language for sub-disorder level dysfunctions is bullshit. And that's fine, when you're just bullshitting with your friends or whatever, but how is someone like my wife supposed to be seen or understood, let alone properly accommodated for when everybody thinks they know what a panic attack is but has never in their adult life been so panicked they became nonverbal?

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#84

Post by pleasecloselid »

lm28469 wrote: post #68
pleasecloselid wrote: post #43

She has very clearly articulated what we have lost as a culture as we attempt to eliminate any discomfort or inconvenience in our lives because of death. This book really changed my perspective: https://orphanwisdom.com/die-wise/ Dying is a skill, both for the person doing it and the people around them.

I find some comfort in Seneca's letter myself, simple words that takes days to digest: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Let...

Thank you for sharing.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#85

Post by dmbche »

retrac wrote: post #64
Aurornis wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in The problem is that medical diagnoses and therapy speak have spilled over into common language where they’re so diluted that they’re not accurate any more. For many there is no line drawn anywhere because they are self-diagnosing based on flawed understandings as soon as any feeli…

I'm not sure if this is "human nature" or if it's a specific cultural problem in the modern west. It's certainly true here in Canada too -- everyone uses terms that are really quite heavy duty to describe quite minor things. I'm deaf. When I tell people this, one of the most common response is "Oh, don't worry. I'm a little bit deaf too." Now not to go policing people on their identities but -- no you're not. Like wh…

Just start speaking ASL (or whichever) when they tell you they are deaf! Let them handle that gracefully.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#86

Post by KurSix »

The way the author captures grief (not as a pathology, but as a form of learning, unlearning, and continuing to love) is so raw and honest it almost feels invasive to read. The line "grief is a terrible kind of learning" hit me like a freight train. There's such a deep humanity here, and also a quiet indictment of our culture's need to classify, contain, and "resolve" grief like it's a software bug. We talk a lot about resilience, but rarely about the kind that means simply keeping going while carrying a pain that doesn't lessen, only changes shape.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#87

Post by comechao »

aeturnum wrote: post #17

> We medicalize grief because we fear it. I think this is just incorrect. You are not obligated to seek treatment for most medical problems[1]. The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in and when people enter a situation where they may need external help. One of the diagnostic criteria, which this article mentions, is that y…

I have a friend who was hospitalized recently. He tried to take his own life multiple times. Before reaching this point, he was struggling for months, but he thought it was ok bc he was working. So it's hard to draw the line for some people. Obviously, everything in life is a tradeoff and can be risky. But seeking medical advice is probably the best thing you can do bc you can reach a point of no return, and you will not accept treatment. How to draw the line? Like you said, disruptive changes and also disruptive behaviors. It's a complex problem.

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#88

Post by KurSix »

aeturnum wrote: post #17

> We medicalize grief because we fear it. I think this is just incorrect. You are not obligated to seek treatment for most medical problems[1]. The point of medicalizing something is to draw a line between situations where it would be too soon for medical professionals to step in and when people enter a situation where they may need external help. One of the diagnostic criteria, which this article mentions, is that y…

I think when the author says "we medicalize grief because we fear it," she's not arguing that clinicians are eager to diagnose grief, but that society at large wants a clean, manageable container for something inherently messy and terrifying

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#89

Post by KurSix »

donatj wrote: post #47

One of my best friends died 12 years ago in our late 20s. I know he is dead, and yet a couple times a month I think, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in a while, I should text him!" before my logical brain kicks in and lets me know the deal. There is a dumb part of me that wants to believe, "Oh, he probably faked his death to get out of debt." He was such a schemer, if anyone would, he would. It was an open casket funera…

It’s love with nowhere to go

Re: Grief gets an expiration date, just like us

#90

Post by testdelacc1 »

The depth of grief the author feels drove me to tears. I think I’d feel like this if I lost my spouse. But I worry wouldn’t be able to express my feelings as well as she has here, so people wouldn’t know how much she meant to me. What a silly thing to worry about.
Post reply on HN