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Basic Social Skills Guide

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#221

Post by mathiaspoint »

zwnow wrote: post #172
GiorgioG wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Someone should attend your funeral because they made some kind of connection with you in this short life. Being uncomfortable for 30 minutes is the least one can do. I am so tired of people being so emotionally immature that they can’t handle a little discomfort.

Whats so special about a funeral? It's just tons of sad people. I meet the relevant people in unofficial circumstances. My friends understand this, so I dont see the issue.

Tim Dillon has a nice explanation if you want something a little more bombastic and attention grabbing.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#222

Post by butlike »

fknorangesite wrote: post #214
snapcaster wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

grow up and learn to steel yourself

No: grow up and realize that expressing an emotion is neither childish nor shameful.

It's such a young person thing to believe the adrenaline of pushing against the envelope is a better feeling than the endorphins of expressing appropriate emotion. I'm sure they'll learn this when they come of age.

Life can be painful, and comfort, solace, and community are really nice when you're on the downswing instead of the upswing, which happens to all of us if you're strong enough to live that long.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#223

Post by GiorgioG »

butlike wrote: post #220
zwnow wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whats so special about a funeral? It's just tons of sad people. I meet the relevant people in unofficial circumstances. My friends understand this, so I dont see the issue.

It's weird, in one comment you say you only care about the deceased "person in the casket," and here you mention the respect of friends (who are presumably living) as important. It sounds to me like you might be a younger person with a slightly naive worldview on death.

Looking at his submissions, he/she is a younger person. But even still my 13 year old has more sense than them.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#224

Post by yoz-y »

cafeinux wrote: post #83
yoz-y wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I’ve yet to meet somebody into fishing or hunting, I agree about cars and sports. Unfortunately since I have interest in neither it can be hard to fit in sometime. Weirdly, as somebody non interested in these common topics it also feels like it’s up to you to figure out a topic of common interest and it really isn’t. About sports also, most people super “into” sports don’t do any. Which is ironic because a conv…

For the few times where I had to speak to someone about topics I don't care much about, I found that simply asking questions to learn about them ( as well as the person I'm speaking to) is enough. "What team do you support? Has it always been the case? How do you think they compare to ?" "What car do you drive? Any particular reason for that car model? What's the brand's best and worst things? Oh, that piece tends to…

Definitely agree on the listening and just asking questions. It helps to have one or two factoids about many subjects to sneak into any conversation.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#225

Post by JohnBooty »

zwnow wrote: post #171
apexalpha wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I fundamentally disagree with this, and especially people who need the website should not follow your advice. Sometimes in life you just have to do stuff, even if you hate it. These things also have a tendency to become easier the more you do it, so advising people to just not do it seems horrible advice. Not showing up to a funeral of someone you were close to just because of your own discomfort is plain weird.

Not really. I've been to many funerals and I dont want to go to many more. You gotta learn that self preservation is more important sometimes.

The relevant thing is care and aid for the grieving loved ones of the deceased.

Your presence at the funeral, while symbolic (some might even say empty symbolism) is a way of showing the mourners that the deceased was cared for by many. It is comforting to some extent.

But of course, if funerals are too difficult, there are other ways to accomplish the same thing.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#226

Post by npteljes »

rsaarelm wrote: post #206
npteljes wrote: post #201

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Part of being truly social (and being emotionally mature) is to understand and apply the difference between manipulation and being mindful about behavior and speech. Same as honesty - honesty doesn't need to be brutal honesty. One can be authentic without being hurtful. >Your inner self is faulty and not appropriate at any situation Mostly true actually. If this was not so, the world would look like a daycare without…

> Mostly true actually. If this was not so, the world would look like a daycare without supervision. Just a bunch of primal feelings and violence. The inner self isn't just an id, it's your goals, interests, values and ways of thinking too. And the social fitness script is that you should only have acceptable goals and interests and acceptable ways of talking about them. Talking about wanting to buy a nice house and…

I think if someone is already not taken by any of their inner things entirely, then they are already doing this regulation thing. The social skills that are described in the article (and soft skills in general) are just a next step on the same path, focusing on getting along, rather than completely internal regulation.

I too have wildly different area of interest, level of interest, and approach to things than most people around me do. Soft skills helped me to connect anyways, for at least two reasons:

1. With them I can approach, and connect to the interest of others.

2. I can explain to people my interest, and make it more interesting to them as well.

Also, these are not for all time, all the time. The healthy thing is to vary the guardedness in different contexts. The flexibility in this is a skill in itself, and again, something that connects to, and can raise, emotional intelligence.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#227

Post by neilv »

weinzierl wrote: post #43
TrackerFF wrote: post #20

I've found that no mater what country I've been to, or what social classes the people belong to, three topics have a 95% success rate when it comes to social relations with guys: sports, cars, fishing/hunting. And to some degree handywork. It is a bit unfortunate, as I'm not at all interested in talking about those things - but they are such staple topics, that you can come off as a sort of outcast if you can't keep…

If only someone could create an app or website to help us uninformed out with common phrases to use. Sentences like: "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"

"How about this season, huh?"

"You catch the game?"

"They got some bad calls."

"Aren't you concerned that so many people tie their civic identity to watching some rich guy's overproduced commercial sports theatre, but are disinterested in actual civics?"

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#228

Post by JohnBooty »

ryandrake wrote: post #207
aklemm wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not a popular approach these days, but you’re absolutely right. This is an example where setting healthy boundaries has veered into hiding away from life and avoiding hard, messy human things.

It seems like, at least in online places like Reddit, "boundaries" has become this magical, get-out-of-jail-free word that justifies people to short-circuit norms and socialization and just do whatever they want in human relationships. "I want to do X, and I don't want to do Y, and I don't want my partner calling me out for doing Z. If you don't like it, that's your problem, and if you object, you're crossing my boun…

Amen. I had a long and damaging relationship with somebody who did exactly what you describe. Used "boundaries" as an excuse for being a toxic human being, as many narcissists do.

A good test of the boundary-setter's true nature is whether or not they find alternative means of doing the thing or if they are just claiming "but muh boundaries!" to excuse their lack of being a decent human being.

If their "boundaries" prevent them from showing up at a funeral to provide a moment of comfort to the survivors of the deceased... well okay. There could be valid reasons. Suppose funerals tend to induce suicidal ideation in an individual. Certainly nobody would suggest that individual should risk a suicidal episode.

But, is the person finding an alternative way to show that care? Flowers, letters, a visit at some other time? Or are they just narcissisticly using it as an excuse to avoid spending time for the benefit of anybody other than themselves?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#229

Post by JohnBooty »

cafeinux wrote: post #83
yoz-y wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I’ve yet to meet somebody into fishing or hunting, I agree about cars and sports. Unfortunately since I have interest in neither it can be hard to fit in sometime. Weirdly, as somebody non interested in these common topics it also feels like it’s up to you to figure out a topic of common interest and it really isn’t. About sports also, most people super “into” sports don’t do any. Which is ironic because a conv…

For the few times where I had to speak to someone about topics I don't care much about, I found that simply asking questions to learn about them ( as well as the person I'm speaking to) is enough. "What team do you support? Has it always been the case? How do you think they compare to ?" "What car do you drive? Any particular reason for that car model? What's the brand's best and worst things? Oh, that piece tends to…

    I found that simply asking questions to learn about 
    them ( as well as the person I'm speaking to) is enough.
This is such a great insight and skill.

This is something that 99% of "nerds" don't understand about sports. You don't have to fake your way through "knowing about sports" to have a conversation around it.

Suppose you're in Buffalo, NY and you don't know a thing about sports. However, unless visiting with your eyes and ears closed, it would be difficult not to see that the city is really into its football team.

If you are "stuck" in a conversation with a Bills fan and don't know a thing about football, you could just ask - are the Bills good this year? what's it like being a Bills fan? are Bills fans as crazy as they say? how did you come to be a Bills fan - were your parents Bills fans?

There's like 100 possible conversation angles there that don't require any knowledge of sports

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide

#230

Post by JohnBooty »

cpursley wrote: post #99
yoz-y wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I’ve yet to meet somebody into fishing or hunting, I agree about cars and sports. Unfortunately since I have interest in neither it can be hard to fit in sometime. Weirdly, as somebody non interested in these common topics it also feels like it’s up to you to figure out a topic of common interest and it really isn’t. About sports also, most people super “into” sports don’t do any. Which is ironic because a conv…

Yeah, I noticed this too about sportball people - they’re generally out of shape and not actually athletic (I’m fit and active in several outdoor sports). I just find watching or talking about sports excruciatingly boring. To me it’s the same thing as pornography, watching other people who are really good at it while you are a bystander, but your brain gets the physiological and-psychological signal that you’re actua…

Yeah, it's funny. I find a lot of sedentary sports-enjoyment (particularly fantasy sports) to be way "nerdier" than stereotypically nerdy stuff like D&D.

That said, the sports fans I know really are quite the wide spectrum when it comes to their actual sports/exercise participation. Lot of very active people.

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