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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

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Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#21

Post by [deleted] »

neilv wrote: post #12
rendall wrote: post #3

> "But eventually, we broke away—you, to join the funny kids, a group of hilarious and friendly people who could match your unparalleled wit and high-octane energy... That is not how people actually talk in real life. > ...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally and figuratively. People really do not make other people the main character like this. "My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious onc…

Some people do talk like that. For example, the well-read humanities major analogue of "10x techbro" can effortlessly whip out a more sophisticated analysis or assessment, with better prose. And some of those will say things like that with one or more levels on top. Such as if they know the person they're talking with will get the reference or archetype, or the allusion they're making, and they're really saying somet…

[deleted]

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#22

Post by bsimpson »

windowshopping wrote: post #15

Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the majority of their closest friends from high school and college (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the years: - Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I sta…

As a fellow thirtysomething with plenty to say on this topic, I found your comment more interesting and more resonant than the article.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#24

Post by Telemakhos »

hinkley wrote: post #10
avereveard wrote: post #5

Life Transitions 4 Lack of mutual effort 4 Diverging values 3 Miscommunication 2.5 Geographic distance 2.5 Emotional disengagement 2 (Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the target demo)

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

Do people who get married and have children diverge in values at the same rate as unmarried people who live together? Or do they tend to converge rather and align their attitudes to the common interests of the family?

"Who you are" is not a stable thing, nor is it a mystery suddenly revealed at a certain advanced age: it is something you continuously construct and reconstruct all your life. I suspect that marriage and family play a massive role in that ongoing psychological construction rather than being independent states that might be invalidated by some sudden discovery of "who you are."

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#25

Post by ferguess_k »

On my side, once we formed families we sort of lost contact gradually. We still gather around once or twice a year for Christmas and another holidays, but other than that we keep to ourselves. My wife doesn't really like staying with my friends so she always asked me to go alone, but I mean, it's usually family gathering, and going alone is really weird.

We do get a couple of new ones though, from my wife's side. They are very good people and very fun to stay with. I have to admit that I enjoy staying with my wife's friends more than she does with mine, but that's fine with me. Maybe I'll get a few days off and coffee chat with my side of the friends.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#26

Post by rendall »

aflag wrote: post #18
rendall wrote: post #3

> "But eventually, we broke away—you, to join the funny kids, a group of hilarious and friendly people who could match your unparalleled wit and high-octane energy... That is not how people actually talk in real life. > ...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally and figuratively. People really do not make other people the main character like this. "My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious onc…

Maybe it's a cultural thing as well. Boasting about yourself is really not something you do in many cultures. I don't really see a problem with that passage. They were just trying to praise whoever they were talking to while being quiet about themselves.

It could be cultural. I'm overthinking it. I did like the piece overall.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#27

Post by programmertote »

It's okay to lose touch with former friends (that is, to not feel guilty). This is part of life and I'm always convinced that my friends, whom I lost contact with, will understand as well.

Plus, although we were friends at one point due to common interests, shared environment, etc., we grow up and apart. If chances collide, we will cross paths with some of them.

During my thirties, I felt a bit guilty about not keeping in touch with most of my friends from high school and college. As I reached mid-forties, I have learned to live with the above realization. I think I'd have a good chat with some of my old friends when I meet them by happenstance again.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#28

Post by selimthegrim »

munificent wrote: post #17
silisili wrote: post #13

> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.” Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's…

In the US, I think we should consider that many people go through four socially traumatic transitions: 1. Moving away to college. 2. Moving for work. 3. Getting married. 4. Having kids. Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to value all of the points on that list more th…

Are you from New Orleans or Lafayette? Edit: holy shit I had no idea you’re from Louisiana.

Re: I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)

#29

Post by 9rx »

hinkley wrote: post #10
avereveard wrote: post #5

Life Transitions 4 Lack of mutual effort 4 Diverging values 3 Miscommunication 2.5 Geographic distance 2.5 Emotional disengagement 2 (Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the target demo)

Diverging values I think is why it’s not a bad thing that marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be with someone forever when you don’t even know who you or they are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst. If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in for a better time. You’ll get a few more years of being able t…

> Promising to be with someone forever

It was historically more of a family obligation than a promise.

We have made it more about individual choice in the intervening years, so you might see that as a promise, but these days it still isn't so much a promise to stay together, rather a promise with regards to how to deal with division down the road (e.g. promising to split the assets 50/50). Not staying together is the assumption.

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