Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#251

Post by Der_Einzige » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 2:55 PM UTC

SketchySeaBeast wrote: post #233

JasserInicide wrote: post #225

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great post. The increasingly insane purity tests that the far left levy upon others they deign as less woke (in the original sense of the word) has gotten completely out of hand. Especially here on HN. Too many times I've seen normal discussion happen and then someone comes along with "Um excuse me can you not use that term because [3 paragraphs of nonsense when one time one person somewhere took offense to said term…

I know this is what you're complaining about, but did you just equate autism and being far left? Do you find that the sort of complaints you are describing come out after you do groupings like that?

[flagged]

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#252

Post by slowmovintarget » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 2:55 PM UTC

Frustrating that it has zero sources.

The study: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S016726811...

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#253

Post by lazystar » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 2:56 PM UTC

robbomacrae wrote: post #238

lazystar wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Last time I saw these children, they were >10 years old and they had no clue how to use a fork and a knife. Shoutout to the adults like myself that grew up like this. On the one hand, you develop outside the box thinking, because you had to learn everything via trial-by-eroror - no one taught you how to think inside the box. On the other hand, it's tough to trust or ask anyone for help.

You've just given the perfect example of Attachment Theory [0]. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

what the hell...

how so?

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#254

Post by arkey » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 2:59 PM UTC

lupire wrote: post #199

axegon_ wrote: post #62

My mom has this very interesting theory: A parent needs to be by a child's side for the first 6-7 years of their life and devote all their time to it. Which is what she did with me. My dad stepped up for the challenge and provided for both of us. My mom had one goal: to make sure that I'd stay curious. She taught me how to read at the age of 4, signed me up for piano lessons(I haven't played piano at all nearly 3 dec…

Your father is a parent and didnt parent 6 years by your side. Why didn't your mother step up to support that? If a mother can replace a father in this role, why can't a teacher? Why doesn't a child need some freedom and independence to discover their own internal motivations and creativity?

> Your father is a parent and didnt parent 6 years by your side.

I don't think you can imply this from parent. My wife is the parent who spends most of the time by my children's side. Meanwhile I am working to support and provide for the whole family. Still I am lucky and able to spend quite a lot of time with my children.

> Why didn't your mother step up to support that?

She was probably already busy being a mother. It's a full-time job.

> If a mother can replace a father in this role, why can't a teacher?

Nowhere it is implied that the mother is replacing the father. Both have a different role to fulfil.

> Why doesn't a child need some freedom and independence to discover their own internal motivations and creativity?

Again, all sorts of assumptions. There can be guided freedom, protected independence... etc. Even if you decide to throw your kid into the swimming pool to 'encourage' them to learn how to swim, you won't leave them there on their own, will you?

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#255

Post by the__alchemist » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 2:59 PM UTC

lolinder wrote: post #229

silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

I'm going to quote the paragraph you're responding to so that those just reading the comments can see what it actually says: > The marshmallow test also doesn’t account for cultural differences. In some cultures, waiting is baked into daily life. Think about Japan, where kids are often taught to wait quietly for meals or gifts. Compare that to the US, where instant gratification is practically a way of life. These cu…

Culture comparisons are a notoriously touchy topic. For some people, the topic itself is a taboo. I believe that's why the poster you're replying to had that reaction. For others, it's a topic to discuss and learn from.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#256

Post by Der_Einzige » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 3:04 PM UTC

helboi4 wrote: post #216

vanderZwan wrote: post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? Ignoring the fact that you inserted a narrative that wasn't present in the article, YES OF COURSE THIS HAS A MAJOR IMPACT . I'm a half-Dutch, half-Chinese man who spent the first years of my life in Ghana being blissfully happy and welcomed in the local community, and then the rest of my childhood being miserable in a Dutch village because I was ex…

Honestly, yes this guy's comment screams white guy growing up in a white culture. Like... do you really think your culture is a default and you would've been like you are without your outside influence? Your culture is very specific and no more default than any other.

Hegemony lets you become the “default”. I can use the US dollar to pay for anything I want, anywhere, even if it’s not an official local currency. Try that with any other currency. That’s one small example of why we can indeed call “west” the “default” no matter how much this pisses off anti-colonialism types.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#257

Post by latentcall » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 3:06 PM UTC

JasserInicide wrote: post #225

mapt wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It has become fashionable among Very Online people who obsess about social justice to loudly reject generalizations. They took the very reasonable "you're not allowed to talk about black people liking watermelons" and applied it to every statement about every minority, disadvantaged or not, ethnically defined or not, whether offense was taken or not. Generalization was relabelled a microaggression, and avoiding them…

Great post. The increasingly insane purity tests that the far left levy upon others they deign as less woke (in the original sense of the word) has gotten completely out of hand. Especially here on HN. Too many times I've seen normal discussion happen and then someone comes along with "Um excuse me can you not use that term because [3 paragraphs of nonsense when one time one person somewhere took offense to said term…

To be fair as someone on the far far left we really think of those people as liberals caught up in culture war nonsense with conservatives. Many of us at least in my local community see “woke” as ultimately damaging to what we’re hoping to achieve. While we advocate for marginalized groups, we really generalize everyone (except the bourgeois) together into a working class. This includes conservatives, liberals, trans people, Christians, Jews, whatever.

I know in the US “liberal” is the “radical left” which is unfortunate as hell.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#258

Post by ksynwa » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 3:06 PM UTC

I get to closely watch my nephew being raised. He is about 2.5 years old now. If his parents need to go somewhere, they do this thing where they slip away while someone distracts the child. Really breaks my heart to see this. I can see the convenience factor. But I noticed that when the child is with them, he very often looks over his shoulders when they go out of his view. The kid is really sweet and deserves respect and honesty.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#259

Post by Der_Einzige » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 3:09 PM UTC

DiscourseFan wrote: post #34

rahimnathwani wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The original paper has been cited 2000 times: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&scioq=... That's a lot of citations for something they 'just do not care' about.

Psychologists, in my experience, seem to be strangely unaware of what is taken seriously by other psychologists. They're generally 50/50 on Freud, for instance, and the half who don't care much for him also don't think anyone does.

The people who still think Freud is relevant are known as “psychoanalysists” in the same way that we separate chiropractors (loony fake back doctors, equiv to psychoanalysis) from real back doctors.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#260

Post by neom » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 3:10 PM UTC

pjc50 wrote: post #128

silisili wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I reject that premise. It's completely fine to point out societal norms. Neither were particularly offensive. But assuming a Japanese child will have patience where an American will not is the same weird thought that leads to weird guys wanting Japanese wives for 'obedience.' I'm not at all against pointing out or even flexing cultural differences, but they don't matter at all when raising a child(other than of cours…

> I have a math brain. You're applying the math brain wrong by using the "single counterexample invalidates whole article" mode, rather than just inserting the words "most" or "on average" or "in general" where necessary. A specific kid will have individual behaviors. A group of kids will have behaviors that can be averaged. Different samples will have different outcomes. I know sociology has poor reproducibility, bu…

My wife is Korean, I met her over there doing some Samsung stuff, she was very frank with me that if she didn't marry me she would probably have married someone like me because she wanted to be able to have a family outside of Korean culture. I love my wife, I have a wonderful marriage and I learn so much from her daily, I feel quite blessed.