Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#141

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:05 AM UTC

spacechild1 wrote: post #37

ipnon wrote: post #18

There are no iPad kids in Taiwan. You go to a restaurant and all the toddlers are quietly eating. When the tantrums flare the parents gently put a lid on it. It’s truly remarkable, and I don’t have a good theory for it. But it makes going out for dinner a consistent pleasure. I don’t know how to raise kids with an even keel but I am certain that putting a nonstop algorithm in their face and becoming outraged when the…

I would never think of giving my toddlers a mobile device in the first place...

[deleted]

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#142

Post by edferda » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:07 AM UTC

I don’t have kids. However, this same concept can be applied, and verified, with dogs.

I have made it a rule to never deceive my dog, and she trusts me because it. If I pick up her water bowl to refill and clean it while she is in the middle of drinking, I make it a point to always give it back with fresh water. I have several water bowls around the house , and the one in my room only gets refilled when I see she is actively drinking from it.

She sees this removal of something she wants (and needs) as a good thing, because I have never deceived her. I always give it back.

If I say we are going for a walk or I grab the leash, we go for a walk. I try to not do things that she would interpret as something not intended. For example, grabbing the leash and not taking her out.

With dogs you become really mindful of your actions. They learn so many of your subtle non-verbal cues, that you start to notice how much your body speaks.

I often think about this, and it has been a valuable learning experience. If I ever decide to have kids, I will make sure that what I communicate (either verbally or non-verbally) is congruent with my actions. I believe that this, is the surest way to build trust.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#143

Post by bloomingkales » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:09 AM UTC

edferda wrote: post #142

I don’t have kids. However, this same concept can be applied, and verified, with dogs. I have made it a rule to never deceive my dog, and she trusts me because it. If I pick up her water bowl to refill and clean it while she is in the middle of drinking, I make it a point to always give it back with fresh water. I have several water bowls around the house , and the one in my room only gets refilled when I see she is…

"With dogs you become really mindful of your actions."

Dogs hold you accountable in the most beautiful way. The best boss.

Everything is a trust relationship. I recall finding myself offended when I had difficulty pitching ideas at my workplace. A lot of times it felt like "hey, why don't you trust me or my idea". I only had maybe one or two of those moments, but I have also witnessed other people going through a trust battle just like the one I described at work.

This can happen in a family, in a romantic relationship, work, or in society. When the arena becomes entirely about trust, people act out. That's why kids rebel, that's why marriages fall apart, and that's why people leave companies.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#144

Post by staz » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:12 AM UTC

andrepd wrote: post #65

spacechild1 wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would never think of giving my toddlers a mobile device in the first place...

Funny you're being downvoted. Meta shareholders? :-)

it's probably being downvoted because it's empty virtue signaling that doesn't provide anything to the discourse

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#145

Post by debeloo » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:12 AM UTC

The article mentions the marshmallow experiment.

I wonder if it's "inverse" has been studied. Promise the child another one after 15 minutes but then either not deliver on the promise or even steal the one marshmallow.

I know people that had the equivalent happen to them as kids, and I think it had enormous effect on their personality as adults.

Depending how often it happens, I wouldn't be surprised if that's how you raise sociopaths.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#146

Post by JohnMakin » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:16 AM UTC

This is spot on - I came from a very abusive and neglectful home, bordering on torture, and the way it carries into my life into my middle age is funny to look back on when it comes to “scientific” studies like the marshmellow test. In many ways, my early distrustful experiences have led me to become stronger in other ways that make up for my weaknesses. Not everyone is like this, unfortunately, and I very much agree with this message - kids should feel safe for maximum development. Especially kids on the spectrum, where frequently broken promises can possibly be more traumatic than it would otherwise seem.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#147

Post by starfallg » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:23 AM UTC

silisili wrote: post #66

motorest wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Is it really for no real reason, though? > Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? You might not be aware, but different cultural backgrounds do result in different life experiences. You might have even noticed that that's the whole point o…

I reject that premise. It's completely fine to point out societal norms. Neither were particularly offensive. But assuming a Japanese child will have patience where an American will not is the same weird thought that leads to weird guys wanting Japanese wives for 'obedience.' I'm not at all against pointing out or even flexing cultural differences, but they don't matter at all when raising a child(other than of cours…

> But assuming a Japanese child will have patience where an American will not is the same weird thought that leads to weird guys wanting Japanese wives for 'obedience.'

You are making several jumps in logic to get from A -> B.

Japan has an education system which teaches the importance of certain values, patience and self-discipline among them.

Here is the short-film "Instruments of a Beating Heart" currently on the Oscars shortlist about this very point -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRW0auOiqm4

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#148

Post by exe34 » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:23 AM UTC

silisili wrote: post #33

I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? The rest is spot on. I became a parent before I was ready, and man, they are little sponges. They learn everything you do, everything you say, embarrassingly so. My 5 year old would lay on the couch to…

> Our kid made her own 'phone' out of cardboard as a child, pretending to read and chat on it. That struck me deeply.

as a child of the 80s in an emotionally barren household with domestic violence, I also built myself a whole computer lab out of cardboard boxes at the age of 5 to mimic my father!

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#149

Post by noisy_boy » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:27 AM UTC

silisili wrote: post #100

the-lazy-guy wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you notice that you just devided kids in Loudoun and Baltimore in 2 groups, giving them as examples of different environments? You do not object to premise, only to granularity of defining environment geographically.

> You do not object to premise, only to granularity of defining environment geographically. Correct. I just picked those two because of stark differences of two well known areas close to each other. But it can go down to even neighborhood, or even street in said neighborhood. Sorry if my rambling seems confusing. I'm not against the idea that environment affects children. I'm against broad brush stroke categorization…

> I'm against broad brush stroke categorization about how different countries behave.

Ok - pick any conservative country (say India or Indonesia). Now tell me that the chances of an average Indonesian woman wearing a bikini to a beach (pretty normal in most Western countries) is same as an average French woman?

Or for a less gender-charged example, chances of an average Saudi eating Pork vs an average American.

Note that I didn't say "every", I said "average".

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#150

Post by scotty79 » Thu, Feb 13, 2025, 11:31 AM UTC

It's actually possible that tolerance for delayed gratification might have nothing to do with life success. It might be purely coincidential that affluent parents create environments that make delying gratification easier, but the success is transferred to their offspring by much simpler mechanism, inheritance.