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Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

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Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#121

Post by audunw »

eloisius wrote: post #36
ipnon wrote: post #18

There are no iPad kids in Taiwan. You go to a restaurant and all the toddlers are quietly eating. When the tantrums flare the parents gently put a lid on it. It’s truly remarkable, and I don’t have a good theory for it. But it makes going out for dinner a consistent pleasure. I don’t know how to raise kids with an even keel but I am certain that putting a nonstop algorithm in their face and becoming outraged when the…

Must not be the same Taiwan I live in. When I go out to eat I constantly see mom, dad, and kid all zonked on their own devices (usually a phone, granted, not an iPad) instead of having a meal "together." I've also seen plenty of meltdown tantrums. If I had to square your observation, I'd say it's just because there are fewer kids, period, than almost anywhere because people aren't having them.

Yeah, I’m also in serious doubt about this. At least for Taipei (could be regional differences)? I don’t live in Taiwan, but visit often. Last time we had dinner with another family and the kids got iPads/phones immediately.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#122

Post by benrutter »

> A follow-up study showed that kids from stable, reliable homes were much more likely to wait than kids from unpredictable ones. If you’re a kid and the adults in your life constantly break promises, why would you trust them this time? Why wait for the second marshmallow if history tells you it might not show up? Waiting isn’t a character trait; it’s a strategy. And strategies are shaped by experience.

I think this is a potentially dangerous oversimplification of the work discrediting this study. The first sentence is pretty accurate, but the rest of the paragraph puts "stability" 100% in the hands of parents, and not childrens surrounding environment due to poverty. Parents can only do so much if there aren't good schools, safe communities or reliable policing.

I'm probably being a little too critical here, and it's clearly important as a parent to do everything you can to make sure that your child has a stable, trusworth environment, I have a son and that's exactly what I try to do personally.

But I think we also have a massive influence in how we shape society, children in poverty have unpredictable, unstable environments even if they have great parents. There are some really clearly documented outcomes of the effects of poverty, and yet a societal tendency to blame outcomes on parents and character over situation still remains.

I'm basically just saying in a long winded way, be a good parent, but do what you can to make the world a safer and more reliable place for other children too.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#123

Post by guappa »

graemep wrote: post #104
silisili wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You reject that peoples personalities are shaped by their environment No, I reject that you can tell anything meaningful about the environment by country. Or even state. Or even neighborhood! Japan itself could fit into the US 25 times by area. Are kids raised in SF the same as those raised in Alabama? Or NY vs Phoenix? It'd be insane to make any generalities about a country so large and diverse, IMO. Heck, kids in…

There are huge variations within a country, but they are far smaller than variations between countries. It seems to be to be a common failing in the west to underestimate just how big differences are between themselves and other cultures. The two cultures I have lived in, despite being Britain and one of its former colonies (and therefore partially anglophone, similar political system, lots of other influences) are q…

Funny you should think there are spain and finland are similar at all.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#124

Post by jaapz »

artemonster wrote: post #50
thefz wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Once I saw how fruit is transported and stocked, I wash all of it regardless of whether I am going to eat the skin or not.

Its the same type of idiotic comment under any tiktok/short/fb video from any kitchen when chefs work without gloves: „EeW, UsE glOveS!!11“ That tiny amount of dirt wont kill you, but definitely keep your immune system in working order

There can still be bacteria or viruses on the produce, generally for people with weak health it is recommended to wash all the produce they consume.

There are also many *-icides, but they are generally quite hydrophobic so it's not easy to wash them off.

But you are right about the dirt, there is even some evidence suggesting ingesting some dirt may be good for your gut health.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#125

Post by rightbyte »

swayvil wrote: post #56
namdnay wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A marshmallow in the hand is worth two in the bush

If you abstain from marshmallows for 40 years, I'll give you 1000 marshmallows.

Historic returns is no promise of future returns. Terms and conditions apply.

The marshmallow test is interesting. Rather than measuring mainly self control, it might be measure more or less only trust.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#127

Post by wazoox »

This applies to adults, too. When you're really poor, it's actually a reasonable strategy NOT to keep money but spend everything as soon as you hit pay day, for instance on storable food. Why's that ? Because money on your bank account can be seized, because you're late on rent, or because you unexpectedly got fined because your rusty old car has a broken light, etc. Food can't be seized, therefore at least you know you'll eat next week, even if it's only cheap pasta and canned sauce, and Nutella basically lasts forever.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#128

Post by pjc50 »

silisili wrote: post #66
motorest wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I feel like this article is good, on the verge of great, then makes cultural comments that invalidate the point trying to be made for no real reason. Is it really for no real reason, though? > Like the race or location of the parent determines their childhood? You might not be aware, but different cultural backgrounds do result in different life experiences. You might have even noticed that that's the whole point o…

I reject that premise. It's completely fine to point out societal norms. Neither were particularly offensive. But assuming a Japanese child will have patience where an American will not is the same weird thought that leads to weird guys wanting Japanese wives for 'obedience.' I'm not at all against pointing out or even flexing cultural differences, but they don't matter at all when raising a child(other than of cours…

> I have a math brain.

You're applying the math brain wrong by using the "single counterexample invalidates whole article" mode, rather than just inserting the words "most" or "on average" or "in general" where necessary.

A specific kid will have individual behaviors. A group of kids will have behaviors that can be averaged. Different samples will have different outcomes.

I know sociology has poor reproducibility, but cultural and behavioral differences are definitely a thing.

I used to have a Korean colleague who'd moved to the UK specifically because he did not want his kids growing up in the Korean school system. They will always be ethnically and "genetically" Korean, and I would assume he would teach them the language, but he wanted them to be less culturally Korean because he thought they would be happier that way.

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#129

Post by guappa »

axegon_ wrote: post #62

My mom has this very interesting theory: A parent needs to be by a child's side for the first 6-7 years of their life and devote all their time to it. Which is what she did with me. My dad stepped up for the challenge and provided for both of us. My mom had one goal: to make sure that I'd stay curious. She taught me how to read at the age of 4, signed me up for piano lessons(I haven't played piano at all nearly 3 dec…

We learnt how to read notes in school. But the stuff you read at 7 is not the stuff people want to hear at concerts :D

Re: Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids

#130

Post by vintermann »

makeitdouble wrote: post #54
autoexec wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's a lot of things the marshmallow test might signal, but most kids probably aren't spending a lot of time performing cost benefit analysis when faced with the problem. I wouldn't doubt that kids with trust issues would tend to do worse. Certainly the ones with behavioral/executive function/developmental issues do worse than others.

Kids are pretty used to calculations related to stuff to eat. I think anyone who grew up with siblings has an extremely developed sense of how much they're willing to risk vs how much reward. Like would I eat my brother's pudding knowing we'll be fighting to death when he's also back from school ? Yes, of course. That's risk/reward that made sense back in the days.

Exactly, it's nonsense to talk about "executive function" as if it's some internal liquid that some kids have and others don't. Kids adapt to the realities of their situation, if they feel - on an intellectual level, or maybe on a more instinctive level - that things are precarious and options you have today won't be there tomorrow, and promises made to you won't necessarily be kept, of course you eat the goddamn marshmallow.
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