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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#261

Post by gcr »

zerostar07 wrote: post #174
larrys wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"you have fewer choices if your pool of potential friends is rich people" How many friends does someone need? I don't see any evidence that wealthy people or upper middle class have any problems friend wise. Not only that but nothing prevents them from mingling with anyone even a lower "status" if you want to call it that.

How many friends does someone need? About 150: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbars_number But they don't all have to be real friends. The interesting thing about Dunbar's number is that it also suggests that people strive to make these 150 relationships even when there are not enough people around (i.e. that's why some people care for celebrities and forge online relationships when real life friends are not enough)

Dunbar's number is an upper limit. What's the lower limit?

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#262

Post by awj »

m0th87 wrote: post #19

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with th…

> Having moved across the country a few months ago, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Any idea HNers?

Take up a hobby, more or less unrelated to what you do for a living. Maybe it's rowing or rock climbing or fencing or writing. Find something you think you'll enjoy that draws in people from all walks of life.

I think it's especially important now, when the only thing in your life is your work, to avoid trying to make friends there. In my mind deep friendships start with sharing personal things, which starts from sharing everyday things. Someone you're around all the time will share just enough experiences that you won't be able to talk long enough to open up.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#263

Post by gcr »

adrianbye wrote: post #63
tsotha wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He didn't realize it would be a problem in the beginning. After that I think he was just afraid to move away from the people he knew. I've thought a lot about what I would do in that position, and came to the same conclusion you did. The right thing to do probably would have been to move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby so he could meet people on an equal footing. Of course, it's easy to decide how other pe…

do you think he had aspergers?

I'm curious why you ask this question. What would either answer imply?

It's going to be hard to fairly tease the effects of having Asperger's syndrome on making friends apart from the effects of wealth, fame, and power.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#264

Post by mbetter »

snowwrestler wrote: post #177
mattmanser wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From the US by any chance? Of the few hundred people I've met past casual acquaintance here in the UK, only a couple have ever talked about going to church as if it were normal. Even as a fairly passive atheist these days, I wouldn't be able to go, it'd just be very disingenuous play acting. In the spirit of the comment I agree that something needs to replace church in secular societies. In fact, I think this is the…

There are certain activities that seem to fill the "church gap" for people. The two that I know of are surfing and whitewater kayaking. When you're on the water you are not worrying about finances or work or the rat race. Everyone is there to surf or paddle so there is little social pressure. You have freedom to go where you want, when you want, but you still find yourself constantly running into people you recognize…

These are some of the reasons I enjoy sailing as well.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#265

Post by gcr »

PakG1 wrote: post #192
m0th87 wrote: post #19

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. Whoa. I would never want to be acquaintances with th…

When I read this, I honestly wasn't taken aback by it. Rather, it seemed to me a pragmatic realization that often, our friendships are self-selecting. If someone doesn't call you back, you naturally won't get closer to them. If someone does call you back, you probably will naturally get closer.

I guess so, but is there really a need to explicitly quantify that?

What purpose could such thinking have?

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#266

Post by gcr »

plinkplonk wrote: post #191
winter_blue wrote: post #189

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you want really good theology I would recommend Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652... I'm a Christian myself and have been one for nearly two two years. I came from a more or less non-religious background growing up and today Christ is of utmost importance in my life displacing everything else. I look forward to ultimate redemption of mankind - basically a…

ugh the last thing we want - Christian (or any other religion for that matter) dogma and evangelization on HN. What's next? A discussion of the Occultation of the Hidden Imam? This stuff on HN needs flagging.

The downvote button is a short ways to the northwest. HN's content should be self-selecting.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#267

Post by pjscott »

winter_blue wrote: post #189
tptacek wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny that you felt you had to couch the church thing this way. There are more "religious" people on HN than you'd think, but they're mostly closeted. Unlike the real world, where concerns about "a war on Christianity" are entirely hysterical, there is a real intolerance towards it here. Despite incredible advances in connectivity over the last 20 years, I think you'd have a hard time finding thinkers who believ…

If you want really good theology I would recommend Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652... I'm a Christian myself and have been one for nearly two two years. I came from a more or less non-religious background growing up and today Christ is of utmost importance in my life displacing everything else. I look forward to ultimate redemption of mankind - basically a…

Hi! Former Christian here. I don't mind the idea of proselytizing -- if you genuinely believe the stuff about salvation, then it's practically your duty to proselytize -- but your methods leave something to be desired! The main problem is, that wasn't persuasion; it was an infodump about basic Christian doctrine and eschatology, couched in vaguely Biblical language. That may sound good to you, but to people who don't already believe the same things you do, it sounds like a concentrated load of crazy. I'll give an example:

The core Christian belief is that _all_ humans are sinner (or evil) and that none of us are deserving of anything but death. But God so loved us (his creation), that he decided to save us by taking the penalty of our sin (which is death) upon himself on the cross.

That's weird! That sounds like some creepy human sacrifice cult thing. If there's some context which makes this sound reasonable, then you need to include that context if you want to avoid turning people off. And that part about how we're all bad people and deserve to die? I would be insulted, if I thought you could actually believe something so horrible. I think you're a nicer person than you pretend to be, though! Here's a smiley face to soften the blow of my words! :-)

In other words: know your audience. And, I guess, try not to spring such aggressively creepy-sounding beliefs on people without some justifying build-up.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#268

Post by gcr »

danso wrote: post #70

I know this answer might get looked down on here, but I've made a few good friends thanks to FB. The OP is right that it's harder to make commitments to new friendships...and that starting step is so energy-demanding that you'll more often than not skip it as an adult. But FB allows for some low-energy engagement...this often leads to shallow acts of friendship but allows you to passively attract acquaintances who sh…

If passively sharing engagement with people who share similar interests is the only point, I think HN is the logical conclusion down that road of thought.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#269

Post by msellout »

pehrlich wrote: post #128
rubashov wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I wasn't contradicting you, dude. Maybe you'd make more friends if you chilled out.

I read that as the "shared struggle and purpose" being the softball team..

Then what is 'play time' if softball qualifies as 'struggle and purpose'?

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#270

Post by gcr »

twoodfin wrote: post #252
zem wrote: post #41

something hinted at but not made explicit is the relentless filling of your calendar as you get older. it's simply harder than ever to get together with people on short notice, which is one of the major ways of nurturing nascent friendships.

I agree, and I think there's an opening here for a social networking app. The way I've always imagined it, you and your friends would feed in your free time, activity preferences, which "friends" you actually enjoy spending time with... The back end would be something like a constraint solver combined with a recommendation engine. It would suggest events either independently or triggered by a user: "I'm feeling bored…

Ignoring the spam and the established conventions, that sounds just like the idea behind facebook's news feed when used on an account only connected to friends you like.

You even pratctically verbatim quoted their sponsored targetted ads.

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