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The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

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Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#161

Post by more_corn »

vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

This is only true for shallow connections. Introverts can talk for hours in deeply interesting and satisfying conversations. People they love and trust or people with whom they share a deep connection. Your task is to define and identify your tribe and work to surround yourself with those people. (Check in on your emotions regularly, identify who you connect with, identify how to replicate that) And then actively grow your tribe. One trick you will learn is that changing the way you perceive others changes your ability to connect with them.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#162

Post by forgotoldacc »

vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

Or not just limited amounts of time, but limited types of people.

I have some friends who I have no trouble talking with all day. But with the overwhelming majority of people I meet, even if we get along well, I feel exhausted after too much interaction.

Dealing with some types of "extroverts" is particularly tiring due to not caring about the weird formalities and talking around things that a lot do to seem "friendly". It's like dealing with an MBA--using pointlessly fluffy language to say pointless "pleasant" things and being so afraid to step on any toes that their statements are just boring and void of any substance. But there are also some extroverts who know how to gauge your personality in an instant and know whether you're the type who likes the fluffy stuff, or you want to jump right into talking about specific subjects.

Then there are fellow introverts, and unfortunately, it becomes obvious how bad my own personality and conversation skills are with them. Lots of super brief answers and not engaging in any discussion. But I guess when you're the one talking to an introvert, even as an introvert, it's easy to come across as one of the aforementioned annoying extroverts.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#163

Post by joe_the_user »

paulmooreparks wrote: post #152

> everyone should be an extrovert at work No, we shouldn't. I'm not an extravert, and I don't want to be an extravert. I don't ask extraverts to be introverted, so don't ask me to be what I am not. Being introverted doesn't mean that I'm anti-social or incapable of cooperating with others.

Absolutely agreed. No one should be obligated to be anything at work. At work, you should accomplish things. You should be able to work with others but you shouldn't have any obligation for emotional or whatever other response.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#164

Post by magicalhippo »

vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

My sister is fairly extrovert, she gets energy from being with others. I'm a fairly typical introvert.

Before kids she used to have parties with her ever-increasing circle of friends. She'd invite me, and I'd often say yes but as the day approached I had to force myself to go.

One day, after one of her parties, she told me "everyone really likes it when you come, you're so good at making people feel seen".

I hadn't thought about it before, but realized that I do tend to chat with most people. And I do ask perhaps non-typical "party questions", as I love to learn about new stuff so I like to find out what others are interested in and talk about that.

Almost always I enjoy these events. However after such an even I'm so exhausted, and need a day or three on my own. If I don't get that then things don't go well.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#165

Post by bawolff »

onemoresoop wrote: post #137
zeroonetwothree wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ever since I stopped doing this I’ve been much happier. Now that I’m old I don’t feel pressure to conform to social norms, I just do whatever I want. If that means I don’t see anyone else for weeks who cares. In my youth I felt so much pressure to be social and it’s just not what I want to be doing.

Pressure to be social is like pressure to stay fit. If you don’t put any effort it atrophies.

if you're staying fit because you are being pressured, you probably aren't having any fun. Staying fit by doing something you enjoy (hiking, sports with friends, whatever) you are probably going to have more fun, and stick with it.

If you only socialize with people you don't like because you are "forced"/"pressured" to, you aren't going to have a good time.

Socializing is supposed to be fun, if you turn it into a job you hate, you aren't going to get the benefits of being social

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#166

Post by bawolff »

> On this one particular night, a lot of people were bonding, and it was amazing. But then I saw this young boy sitting in the corner by himself. Let’s call him Aditya. It was a bit dark and Aditya was trying to just get by, unnoticed. He looked overwhelmed and disinterested. I went up to him with a big smile and a lot of kindness, and said - “Hey man, what’s up? Why don’t you approach and talk to a few here? They are friendly, you know. You like Open Source, so maybe talk to that guy (pointing to a senior of mine) and ask him how he got started.”.

> His response that day still echoes in my ear. It felt like a voice coming out of a closed heart. And my words had fallen flat on him. He said, with a smirk, “I am not an extrovert”.

Maybe i am reading into this, but the author comes across as an asshole to me. You can see the condescension dripping from the prose.

To me it sounds like the author was being a busy-body and came off as rude. Introverted kid wanted him to mind his own business.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#167

Post by kstrauser »

zeroonetwothree wrote: post #129
kstrauser wrote: post #86

I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I do it. It’s good exercise to pretend to be outgoing and chatty for an evening. Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! And the author here is so right: almost everyone else at these things besides the salespeople are probably also introverts…

Ever since I stopped doing this I’ve been much happier. Now that I’m old I don’t feel pressure to conform to social norms, I just do whatever I want. If that means I don’t see anyone else for weeks who cares. In my youth I felt so much pressure to be social and it’s just not what I want to be doing.

FWIW, I feel no pressure at all to do this. I want to get better at it purely because I want to get better at it. One practical benefit is that non-work social settings get easier, too. When I’m around a bunch of my kids’ friends’ parents, who are perfectly nice people who probably have a lot in common with me and I’ll probably enjoy being around, it’s nice to have some practice making conversation with a roomful of strangers.

I’m not doing this for work. I do it for me.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#168

Post by mattlondon »

It always bothers me how people frame it as a binary either-or thing.

I think the reality is way more subtle, with a wide spectrum that is highly context dependent.

I don't think labelling someone/one self as one or the other or trying to "be an extrovert at work" or whatever is productive or healthy.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#169

Post by bawolff »

zenethian wrote: post #5

This is a terrible article that reads like an AI generated LinkedIn post. Nevermind the fact that the author isn't using the terms introvert and extrovert correctly; the message is quite ableist. Not everyone can achieve this level of communication in a productive manner. Telling people that management will "prefer" one over the other when it's "budget time" is also dead wrong. I've fired more extroverts than introve…

It also seems to assume that just because you don't want to socialize in some specific setting means you are an introvert or extrovert.

Everyone has people they like and people they don't. I've had co-workers i don't particularly like. Of course i am professional and polite to them at work and can work with them fine, but would i specificly go up to them at a party and chat? Probably not (i'd still be polite of course, just not specificly seek them out).

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