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The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

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Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#111

Post by khendron »

markeroon wrote: post #108
vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

> Extroverts don't understand this concept of limited capacity for socialization. Othering >50% of your audience isn’t the best way to make a point, and plenty of extroverts understand this concept perfectly well (myself as an example).

You are right, but it doesn't take many extroverts not understanding this concept to make it feel like it's everybody :)

My mother, for example, is a serious extrovert. When I explained to her that socializing seriously drains me and I need to, for example, spend time alone after attending a party, her response was to ask if I'd seen a therapist about it.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#112

Post by Workaccount2 »

pizza234 wrote: post #101
kstrauser wrote: post #86

I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I do it. It’s good exercise to pretend to be outgoing and chatty for an evening. Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! And the author here is so right: almost everyone else at these things besides the salespeople are probably also introverts…

As a person who was very introvert at social gatherings, and the polar opposite now, I'm now convinced that being extrovert is not a skill or an "area" (outside the comfort zone), but rather a state of mind. It's certainly an art and a science to be a good conversationalist, but being in that certain state of mind is "a lot %" of what's needed, and it actually takes no energy or comfort - although as other state, nat…

The core problem is that introvert/extrovert has little or no bearings on someone's social ability.

Introvert/extrovert is the method that people use to recharge their energy. It has nothing to do with social ability despite the terms getting hijacked for that.

Signed, an extremely introverted person who talks and interacts a lot in social situations.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#113

Post by fluoridation »

rors wrote: post #44

I feel like a lot of these debates boil down dealing with discomfort. We seem to be creating a society where everyone feels they have the right to not feeling stressed and uncomfortable. The danger to never feeling challenged is that you don't grow. You get stuck in a rut and everyone passes you by. Part of dealing with discomfort is learning what your limits are. No one should put themselves in a situation with you…

>We seem to be creating a society where everyone feels they have the right to not feeling stressed and uncomfortable.

Huh? What a strange thing to say. Yeah, sure, you can't have that right exactly, simply because life is too unpredictable and from time to time stressors will come up, but surely someone has the right to build for themselves the conditions that minimize their stress and discomfort. Not wanting to be purposefully stressed and discomforted by others seems perfectly reasonable.

>The danger to never feeling challenged is that you don't grow. You get stuck in a rut and everyone passes you by.

Perhaps, but surely the choice of whether to live like that is the prerogative of each person.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#114

Post by BhavdeepSethi »

I often think about this post when people call themselves introverts. I wonder how much is this a function of who you are (genes, etc.) vs the environment a person was exposed to in formative years. I've never seen a study about this. (I've read Quiet, which is a book that gets quoted by introverts a lot)

"A lot of you guys are not true introverts you were just expressive children who didn’t get the attention you wanted or deserved so you got comfortable at keeping everything inside and entertaining your own thoughts"

Source: https://x.com/SchrodingrsBrat/status/1834583804016484637

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#115

Post by NikolaNovak »

bdangubic wrote: post #97
NikolaNovak wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good advice but we need to change its scope: All of that works if your problem is shyness or being self conscious. And indeed there's a strong Venn diagram between shyness, quietness, self consciousness, awkwardness, and introvertness. But it's not the same. I'm inherently all of those things. After 20 years in consulting though, including dedicated training and experience, nobody believes me anymore - I've built str…

what you do - even if ALL the love for it is there in you - sounds absolutely exhausting to me (especially after as many years as you have been doing it) and I am about as extrovert as it gets, much like you are described your sister in the other comment. is it plausible that your feels are not as closely related to you being introvert and just nature of the career itself?

Plausible, but the draining is not just at work. I love one on one and can generally spend large amount of time with individuals whose company I enjoy. But groups (say 4+ including myself) are "draining" no matter the enjoyment. It's not that I'm "not a people person", I love hanging out with my friends and family! It's just that, with several people hanging out especially, I'm likely the first one to leave and find a couch or bed or comfy chair somewhere to read a book or play an instrument or video game or whatever to "recharge".

Some people misinterpret that as not enjoying hanging out with people but that's not it. It's more like, hanging our with people is as physical of an activity for me as biking or swimming or rock climbing. I love it... But I get tired eventually :-)

(analogy breaks down quickly tough - per another thread here though, unlike the physical activities here,I haven't really been able to increase my "social stamina". Social skills, hugely! Social stamina, not really)

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#116

Post by boogieknite »

kstrauser wrote: post #86

I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I do it. It’s good exercise to pretend to be outgoing and chatty for an evening. Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! And the author here is so right: almost everyone else at these things besides the salespeople are probably also introverts…

i treat it like exercise or eating salad. i do it because i know its good for me. also noticed that it seems like a lot of people there have the same idea.

just like exercise, i dont push it too far. ill take a break. ill excuse myself and say, "i need to cool off" then go outside for a minute. most people seem to get it.

maybe the nature of the people i hang out with, but the salespeople type stand out sore-thumb-style and their compliments and shallow conversation often come across as awkward compared to the genuine interest in listening and sharing what we have learned in work or personal life.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#117

Post by lolinder »

BhavdeepSethi wrote: post #114

I often think about this post when people call themselves introverts. I wonder how much is this a function of who you are (genes, etc.) vs the environment a person was exposed to in formative years. I've never seen a study about this. (I've read Quiet, which is a book that gets quoted by introverts a lot) "A lot of you guys are not true introverts you were just expressive children who didn’t get the attention you wan…

For the record, we introverts get very tired of having to justify ourselves to extroverts who constantly question our existence. It seems to happen far more often with introversion than with other differences.

People don't tell those who prefer cold to heat that it's just because of the way they were raised and that they should really build up their heat tolerance. People don't tell those who dislike cilantro that it's an acquired taste and they should really put in the effort. People who try to tell LGBT folks that they should just try to be straight get straight-up pilloried. But for some reason people feel that it's okay to tell introverts that they probably are just imagining that they have real differences from the average person that can't just be fixed by trying harder.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#118

Post by coldtea »

markeroon wrote: post #108
vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

> Extroverts don't understand this concept of limited capacity for socialization. Othering >50% of your audience isn’t the best way to make a point, and plenty of extroverts understand this concept perfectly well (myself as an example).

Saying what some outliers do doesn't refute a statement about what most in a group do...

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#119

Post by fluoridation »

cvoss wrote: post #93

> “Hey man, what’s up? Why don’t you approach and talk to a few here? They are friendly, you know. You like Open Source, so maybe talk to that guy (pointing to a senior of mine) and ask him how he got started.” This is completely wrong-headed on the part of the host of this gathering. The correct move is "Hey, man, it looks like you don't have a lot of connections in this room. Let me introduce you to a friend of min…

Honestly, I'm trying to put myself in Aditya's shoes, and I can't help but feel instant rejection at both the OP's and your approach. If I'm sitting by myself at a gathering it's probably because I'm overwhelmed by all the strangers in the room and can't (or don't feel like) figure out how to start a conversation with someone. The last thing I want in such a scenario is for someone to come and thrust me into a conversation with someone else. I can't see either myself or the other poor sap you involve in this enjoying the interaction. Now, if you want to come talk to me, by yourself, so I can get into a social mood, that's a different story.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#120

Post by bdangubic »

NikolaNovak wrote: post #115
bdangubic wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

what you do - even if ALL the love for it is there in you - sounds absolutely exhausting to me (especially after as many years as you have been doing it) and I am about as extrovert as it gets, much like you are described your sister in the other comment. is it plausible that your feels are not as closely related to you being introvert and just nature of the career itself?

Plausible, but the draining is not just at work. I love one on one and can generally spend large amount of time with individuals whose company I enjoy. But groups (say 4+ including myself) are "draining" no matter the enjoyment. It's not that I'm "not a people person", I love hanging out with my friends and family! It's just that, with several people hanging out especially, I'm likely the first one to leave and find…

fascinating!

I totally understand even though I don’t actually understand (if that makes any sense :) )

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