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The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

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Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#81

Post by SpicyLemonZest »

inciampati wrote: post #52
vouaobrasil wrote: post #9

One thing to me is fairly obvious: people who are introverts can be social, but only for limited amounts of time. For example, I like talking a lot, but I can only do it for limited amounts of time. Maybe only a few hours a week. If I'm pushed past that point, I just don't want to chat any more. It's like I'm full of food, but with socialization. After that I find socialization immensely distasteful and irritating. T…

Yes, extroverts do understand this limited capacity. It's like when you live an ultra sedentary lifestyle, and one day you realize you can't catch your breath after walking up four flights of stairs. Like any capacity, socializing requires exercise. We are all descended from a long line of people who lived extremely social lives. It's only in the last decade or two that it became possible to live a productive live by…

> And don't assume socialization is easy for some class of "extroverts" who are dominating "introverts" into being full members of the organizations which they work for.

I don’t assume that - people tell me as much! I have close friends who assure me that socializing is not hard work for them, and they’d yap all day if they didn’t control themselves the same way that I would read or play games all day if I didn’t control myself.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#82

Post by int_19h »

impoppy wrote: post #15

[flagged]

> I simply cannot comprehend how something as enjoyable as spending time with people you like can be so mentally taxing?

Similarly, I simply cannot comprehend how something as tedious as partying with dozens of people you hardly even know can not be so mentally taxing.

But that's fine. We don't need to comprehend how it works in others. We just need to accept that it does indeed work in different ways for different people, and treat them accordingly, as we ourselves wish to be treated by those who can't comprehend how it works for us.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#83

Post by bluefirebrand »

nuancebydefault wrote: post #76

To introverts I would say: just now and then try to get out of your comfort zone. Most of the time, it will feel liberating and next time it becomes much easier. Step 1. Regularly talk to strangers. Most easily it can be done at public transport or at a shop. Start with places where you are waiting for a short time. Just ask a silly question or say something about the weather. Step 2 speak up in small groups. Just sa…

All of your advice is for shy people, not introverts

Being an introvert is not the same as being shy, and it is long past time that people stop conflating the two concepts

You cannot "fix" being an introvert by practicing being social

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#84

Post by edgarvaldes »

nuancebydefault wrote: post #76

To introverts I would say: just now and then try to get out of your comfort zone. Most of the time, it will feel liberating and next time it becomes much easier. Step 1. Regularly talk to strangers. Most easily it can be done at public transport or at a shop. Start with places where you are waiting for a short time. Just ask a silly question or say something about the weather. Step 2 speak up in small groups. Just sa…

I am an introvert. I can talk to strangers, but prefer not to. I speak in small groups of friends or collegues, I am the lead in lots of calls, I even do training to big audiences. When in the moment, I can do it without hesitation, but in the end its always draining.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#85

Post by NikolaNovak »

nuancebydefault wrote: post #76

To introverts I would say: just now and then try to get out of your comfort zone. Most of the time, it will feel liberating and next time it becomes much easier. Step 1. Regularly talk to strangers. Most easily it can be done at public transport or at a shop. Start with places where you are waiting for a short time. Just ask a silly question or say something about the weather. Step 2 speak up in small groups. Just sa…

Good advice but we need to change its scope: All of that works if your problem is shyness or being self conscious. And indeed there's a strong Venn diagram between shyness, quietness, self consciousness, awkwardness, and introvertness. But it's not the same.

I'm inherently all of those things. After 20 years in consulting though, including dedicated training and experience, nobody believes me anymore - I've built strong social skills and come off cheerfully comfortable at work and random social situations. I've been formally mentoring people emotional intelligence and soft skills for at least 6-8 years.

But they are exhausting, even those that have become second nature / automatic. And that issue is not becoming lesser with age or skills or experience. And the more people in a group, the more exponentially exhausting every experience is :-/

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#86

Post by kstrauser »

I regularly say yes to work dinners and such that I don’t personally want to attend. That sort of thing is far outside my comfort zone, and that’s exactly why I do it.

It’s good exercise to pretend to be outgoing and chatty for an evening. Like any other skill, you get better at it with practice! And the author here is so right: almost everyone else at these things besides the salespeople are probably also introverts. I can promise you that you won’t be the only one there. I never am.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#87

Post by nothrabannosir »

bluefirebrand wrote: post #83
nuancebydefault wrote: post #76

To introverts I would say: just now and then try to get out of your comfort zone. Most of the time, it will feel liberating and next time it becomes much easier. Step 1. Regularly talk to strangers. Most easily it can be done at public transport or at a shop. Start with places where you are waiting for a short time. Just ask a silly question or say something about the weather. Step 2 speak up in small groups. Just sa…

All of your advice is for shy people, not introverts Being an introvert is not the same as being shy, and it is long past time that people stop conflating the two concepts You cannot "fix" being an introvert by practicing being social

could you humor me and exPlain why you think this? I’m neither shy nor introverted and I have only a casual understanding of either. If I take their comment literally, I guess the only part I would see being different is “it will feel liberating.” But aside from that I do support the advice of people going out of their comfort zone, even if they hate it.

I read GPs advice as “go to the social gym.” For some people the gym ends up feeling good, others will hate it no matter what, but the advice is sound regardless.

What do you think though?

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#88

Post by blueflow »

niam wrote: post #46

I mostly don't see the point in these terms anymore. They were presumably created to categorize people but suck at it because nobody agrees where the boundaries of the category are, and the resolution on the term is so low for how many domains of personality it touches.

This is a general problem with language.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#89

Post by jancsika »

> While the reality is, it takes effort to communicate and drains energy for everyone.

This is a low effort take that depends on the ambiguity of language to sound true.

"Drain" for the author apparently means literally using up a finite amount of human energy, concentration, and willpower. That's a truism.

"Drain" for an introvert can mean anything from starting a muscle tension clock that will eventually cause a headache to a straight-up panic attack that could take hours/days to recover from.

It's probably even worse for young people who are introverts and haven't been taught how to say no or set boundaries. (I remember explaining to some college-age people that saying no is a skill, and they looked at me like I had just revealed to them that, with enough practice, humans can actually fly.)

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#90

Post by xvector »

> Ram learns about Shyam’s promotion and feels a bit disappointed. He goes back home and says to himself “I am not an extrovert”, consoles himself and moves on with life.

I have seen this play out time and time again at nearly every company I've worked at and even every team I've TL'd.

I used to be a "proud introvert" myself. The "proud introverts" often feel wronged in these situations, struggling to understand that communication is just as valid and critical of a skill as writing code.

Accepting that I didn't need to make "being an introvert" my identity, and learning how to communicate, skyrocketed my career.

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