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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#231

Post by glanch »

impendia wrote: post #53

Anyone for whom this story seriously hits home, but who has success stories to share?

Sure.. I am a 26 year old guy from southern USA and have had a lot of trouble making friends since I graduated from college 4 years ago. I still had my small group of 4-6 friends from high school back home (90 miles away), but I wanted to make new friends. I didn't join a fraternity in college, and spent almost all my time doing class work, studying, or being with my girlfriend. So I only made a handful of friends there. Many facebook acquaintances but few real friends. Big mistake, I know. So I got a decent job and a (new) girlfriend, and I'm pretty happy, but the male friendship void was hurting me. This was a year after leaving college.

I decided to start playing tennis, and it changed my life.

I had taken a few lesson when I was very young, and I played on my high school team, but it was not a very competitive or serious thing. I decided to dig my racquet out of the closet and give it a shot. Worst case scenario, I get some exercise.

As it turns out, my city has one of the largest, most active network of local tennis leagues in my state. There are hundreds of young (and old) people who play regularly. I signed up for a random team, and before I knew it, I was meeting 10-12 other guys for tennis practice and playing in league matches two to three times a week. I met some guys my age who were similar to me. We started getting better at tennis. The next year, I started my own team and a lot of the guys joined. Three years later, I've got a small network of about 20 guys I can comfortably call or text to meet up with to play tennis any time, and half of them are close enough with me to go out for a beer afterwards. Just last month, our team advanced to the state championship tournament, and it was a pretty awesome bonding experience to go on a road trip and stay for 3 nights.

I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't pick up tennis 3 years ago. I'm in better shape, I have more friends, and I am addicted to those endorphins I get every time I go out and play. I have to get my fix 3 times a week, at least.

If you're interested, google USTA and find out if there's a local league in your area.

Even if you are not athletic, give it a shot. There are a dozen different divisions, separated by ability level. Find a local tennis instructor and join a 'group lesson', where you and a handful of other beginners just hit balls and receive instruction from the coach. It's also very cheap, compared to golf or skiing or other sports mentioned in this thread. For starters, buy a $30 racquet and some decent $40 tennis shoes, and that's all you need.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#232

Post by plinkplonk »

joshuacc wrote: post #209
plinkplonk wrote: post #191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

ugh the last thing we want - Christian (or any other religion for that matter) dogma and evangelization on HN. What's next? A discussion of the Occultation of the Hidden Imam? This stuff on HN needs flagging.

Personally, I'd find that discussion very interesting. For anyone else who is unfamiliar with the term: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Occultation

A dispassionate intellectual discussion relevant to the topic at hand would be one thing.

If the poster rambled on about his personal belief of how Shia Islam is the One True Religion and blather about what you need to do to go to heaven, quoting the Quran at random, and proselytizing and so on, that would probably be equally inappropriate (on HN) and flag worthy (on HN).

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#233

Post by theorique »

gnaritas wrote: post #220
praxulus wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe organized religion used to sustain social lives for adults, and still does in many parts of the country. Tight-knit communities have been disrupted by economic development and urbanization, but even in a big city you can get to know the people in your congregation very well.

Which is a problem for sane people who can't fit into such organized superstition.

I'm not sure from this comment where you stand on religion - what do you really think?

(Don't hold back.)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#234

Post by philwelch »

wpietri wrote: post #207
philwelch wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church? No, and statistically, neither have practically any church-going Americans. Yes, I was talking about a generalization, I know there are liberal churches. > I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with. For me personally, I don't think it's possible. I'm an atheist, and any church that's liberal enough to allow atheism frankly doesn't…

Depends on what you mean by verve, but I know some atheists who are perfectly happy with the Unitarian Universalist church they go to. Plenty of interesting people, a variety of social activities, a good place for their kids. They love it. I know some other atheists who go to a weekly Buddhist meditation group and they are pretty involved with that community as well. I went by for a couple of sits and it seemed like…

I was raised Catholic. Without a heavy dose of serious ritual and theology, I can't take something calling itself a "church" very seriously. There has to be something more than a social club.

Paradoxically, I can't find my way through to agree with any kind of traditional Christian theology either, so I will remain unchurched.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#235

Post by run4yourlives »

joshuacc wrote: post #209
plinkplonk wrote: post #191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

ugh the last thing we want - Christian (or any other religion for that matter) dogma and evangelization on HN. What's next? A discussion of the Occultation of the Hidden Imam? This stuff on HN needs flagging.

Personally, I'd find that discussion very interesting. For anyone else who is unfamiliar with the term: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Occultation

Me too.

I find it fascinating that pretty much every religion has a messiah theme. The big three of course, but also Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, and ancient religions like the Mayans and Persians.

It's such an out there idea - that of a saviour to return to impart perfection - but so prevalent that I'd love to see a more intellectual exploration of the topic.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#236

Post by sopooneo »

tsotha wrote: post #39

I knew a guy who made a boatload of money off of the dotcom bubble. He kept doubling down and doubling down, then at right about the peak he told himself "I have as much money as I'll ever need if I cash out now. There's no reason to take any more risks." In other words, he timed it perfectly (based on his own situation - he wasn't genius and he would freely admit that) So here he was, a multimillionaire who'd spent…

The "Rich guy not made happy by wealth after all" story is so old that I am surprised anyone is still surprised by it. Every other novel they made me read in middle/high school had this as its message. I am very reluctant to use the term "smart" for anyone that runs into this problem.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#237

Post by run4yourlives »

tptacek wrote: post #148
cmelbye wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

According to this unscientific poll, the vast majority of HN readers that answered the poll are non-religious/atheist/agnostic: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1486594

Absolutely unsurprising, but obviously "atheist" doesn't equate automatically to "antireligious".

Exactly.

The other important point is that those terms are only "the same thing" to atheists. Non-religious and agnostics don't identify with atheists at all really.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#238

Post by anonymous »

angersock wrote: post #230
gnaritas wrote: post #220

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which is a problem for sane people who can't fit into such organized superstition.

Tell me, do you prefer vim or emacs? Own any Apple products?

I use both vim and emacs. It keeps things fun. One day I'm a vim hacker, the next - an emacs guru. It keeps things fresh and interesting.

Not enough money for apple products and don't need any.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#239

Post by tsotha »

JanezStupar wrote: post #187
tsotha wrote: post #39

I knew a guy who made a boatload of money off of the dotcom bubble. He kept doubling down and doubling down, then at right about the peak he told himself "I have as much money as I'll ever need if I cash out now. There's no reason to take any more risks." In other words, he timed it perfectly (based on his own situation - he wasn't genius and he would freely admit that) So here he was, a multimillionaire who'd spent…

I have a couple of wealthier friends and one that is getting wealthier by the day. The way I solved this problem between us is that I refuse to accept "mercy" gifts. I will accept an earnest gift when It is presented out of kindness. Also I demand that our financials be thoroughly transparent with me covering my fair share. It works exceptionally well, allowing for our friendship to develop at its own and sincere pac…

They're lucky to have you as a friend. But the friendship started before they became wealthy, right? That way they'll never have to wonder if you're working some kind of long angle.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#240

Post by Retric »

tptacek wrote: post #218
Retric wrote: post #213

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My honest response to people who quote religious text's regularly is vary similar to people who talk about what 'the voices' told them and or convoluted conspiracy theory's. Still, people can function in society with surprisingly deep psychosis, because there are accepted patterns for dealing with such people. The most useful approach being simply avoiding the subject, thus many settings have formal or informal rules…

I'm not a fan of overt proselytizing on message boards, but you realize that calling religion a "deep psychosis" is its own form of proselytizing? What I had hoped to convey with my original comment was: * Religion used to play a powerful role in people's social lives, and does so less now, and perhaps the fear of losing those social connections drives some of mainstream evangelical Christianity's defensiveness. * 'd…

To clarify, I did not say that religion was a "deep psychosis" rather the overlap from the set of crazy people AND the set of religious people make religious discussions on an open form problematic. It's not hard to find crazy nut job Atheists. My point is when you find a crazy nut job Atheist it's better for most people including Atheists to avoid the topic.

PS: Now, I did suggest backing up an argument with a lot of religious text was not a good sign that someone is rational. But, that's stems from the idea that when someone does not believe in your religious text then quoting it to them is of little value. Ed: Of course in another context say a religious form then such things become reasonable, but again it's the failure to understand context that's the issue.

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