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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#221

Post by INTPenis »

nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

Same story but the game of talisman and a much smaller group.

Edit: Unfortunately not that many meetups in the summertime. ;)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#222

Post by codehotter »

dctoedt wrote: post #65

1. It helps to volunteer regularly for a non-profit cause that you believe in, or at least approve of. You likely will get to know some "nice" people; once you establish that you're actually committed to whatever the cause is, and not just on the prowl, then you can establish lifelong bonds. 2. It also helps to be cheerfully unembarrassed about taking the lead in organizing groups to do stuff. People are often secret…

Believing in God - not because you think it is true - but because you are lonely and believing allows you to meet people is selling your soul to the devil.

When you get to a point where the question of whether somebody starts believing in God or not has very little to do with critical thinking and a lot to do with emotions I become uncomfortable. It's like the people are being taken advantage of.

When somebody starts believing because he is lonely, it feels like religion is a virus, taking advantage of a weakness in somebody's critical thinking systems in order to infect their brain.

We are not completely rational beings, we don't always need to focus on evidence and occam's razor and strip all spirituality from our life. It's fine to be religious. That is a choice everyone makes for themselves. I believe that, and it still makes me uncomfortable when religion seeks out to lonely people. It feels a little like looking for a soft mark.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#223

Post by glanch »

Kliment wrote: post #200
jlgreco wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find the value of a good pub is vastly underestimated these days. I suspect a combination of American college drinking culture and abstinence style drinking education in public schools ( "you can have more fun without drinking!" ) are to blame.

Pubs are too damn loud. That's my problem with them. There's very few quiet places to have a drink. Many of the ones that do exist are upper class targeted.

Seriously.. this has always been my problem. Friends would always say "let's go to the bar!". Ok, we go the bar, sit down at a table, and proceed to shout at the top of our lungs at each other because the music is so loud. I understand about 10% of what people around me are saying. So I give up and just drink, and feel isolated. And I get made fun of for wanting the group to sit outside or somewhere more quiet so we can actually talk. I probably just had shitty friends.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#224

Post by digitalsushi »

einhverfr wrote: post #199
zerostar07 wrote: post #185

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the examples you mention would fall into the sphere of "acquaintances" or "family friends" or "connections" or "not enemies" today (in the business or strategic sense). We are talking about actual close friends, comrades, (BFFs if u want) here.

I don't think that's all though. Case in point, read the Old English poem "The Wanderer" (ideally in Old English but if necessary in translation) and remember that the relationship the narrator is lamenting is this sort of relationship. The point is that gifts tie us together. As one person said, "obligations unite us, debts drive us apart." The idea that you give money and there is some sort of a moral obligation to…

Making the claim it's better in Old English is just a transparent way of bragging you know Old English. And it's subjective how best to enjoy something. It's like telling someone they need an ice cube in their scotch.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#225

Post by steauengeglase »

gnaritas wrote: post #220
praxulus wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe organized religion used to sustain social lives for adults, and still does in many parts of the country. Tight-knit communities have been disrupted by economic development and urbanization, but even in a big city you can get to know the people in your congregation very well.

Which is a problem for sane people who can't fit into such organized superstition.

There are always the Unitarians.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#226

Post by corin_ »

digitalsushi wrote: post #224
einhverfr wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think that's all though. Case in point, read the Old English poem "The Wanderer" (ideally in Old English but if necessary in translation) and remember that the relationship the narrator is lamenting is this sort of relationship. The point is that gifts tie us together. As one person said, "obligations unite us, debts drive us apart." The idea that you give money and there is some sort of a moral obligation to…

Making the claim it's better in Old English is just a transparent way of bragging you know Old English. And it's subjective how best to enjoy something. It's like telling someone they need an ice cube in their scotch.

Irrelevant and pedantic point here, but I would suggest it's more like telling someone they need to not have an ice cube in their scotch, very few scotch snobs would argue pro-ice :)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#227

Post by corin_ »

winter_blue wrote: post #189
tptacek wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's funny that you felt you had to couch the church thing this way. There are more "religious" people on HN than you'd think, but they're mostly closeted. Unlike the real world, where concerns about "a war on Christianity" are entirely hysterical, there is a real intolerance towards it here. Despite incredible advances in connectivity over the last 20 years, I think you'd have a hard time finding thinkers who believ…

If you want really good theology I would recommend Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis: http://www.amazon.com/Mere-Christianity-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652... I'm a Christian myself and have been one for nearly two two years. I came from a more or less non-religious background growing up and today Christ is of utmost importance in my life displacing everything else. I look forward to ultimate redemption of mankind - basically a…

First off, I agree with others that this isn't appropriate for HN. The topic was about making friends, and as such discussion of religion's place in our society can be, and was in others' comments, relevant, but explaining why you believe yourself correct in your religious beliefs is not.

Secondly, since you brought it up, whether you're reading for your own pleasure or with the aim of converting others, I can't help but feel you should look to a nicer version than the NIV. Personally I'm a fan of KJV.

Thirdly, since you brought up Revelation 21, I feel I must link to Bainton's anthem with these words - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ncAo_jRTkQ

(I'm actually an atheist, and have been my whole life, but you can appreciate great writing and beautiful music without believing it.)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#228

Post by starpilot »

Axsuul wrote: post #48
kafkaesque wrote: post #44

This rings very true. In fact, I turned 29 eleven months ago and I moved here (to another country, albeit culturally similar) eight months ago. I have zero friends. My coworkers are vastly different from me. I work with two people the most; one is a younger guy who goes clubbing and is interested in getting laid, and the other is a 40-something woman who is most likely menopausal and hates everything in her life. I'm…

But isn't the weather nice in Los Angeles?

I actually miss the bad weather of other places I lived. One reason for that is I'm just weird, but another is that the common struggle of shitty weather leads to interactions with strangers. There was the time in college I pushed my neighbor's car out of the snow and she asked for my name, or during the great NYC xmas blizzard of a few years ago, where waiting for a very late bus led to friendly grousing with a stranger. Or even as a kid in Virginia, checking up on neighbors during storm power outages. Now I find in LA there's no real need to ally with others. It's just one person per apartment, per car, gliding smoothly from place to place, alone.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#229

Post by justinhj »

cpeterso wrote: post #175
justinhj wrote: post #154

I'm very surprised the article doesn't mention marriage as big difficulty in making new friendships. I find it easy to find people with the same interests as me that I get along with, but they also have to have partner that's compatible with you and your partner. Of course YMMV.

You must not have read page 2 which directly addresses couples.

Oops, you're right. I see the article talks about it briefly but I think it's a fundamental point. Also bringing in opposite sex friends is another huge issue, which is probably another article in itself.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#230

Post by angersock »

gnaritas wrote: post #220
praxulus wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe organized religion used to sustain social lives for adults, and still does in many parts of the country. Tight-knit communities have been disrupted by economic development and urbanization, but even in a big city you can get to know the people in your congregation very well.

Which is a problem for sane people who can't fit into such organized superstition.

Tell me, do you prefer vim or emacs?

Own any Apple products?

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