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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#171

Post by zerostar07 »

chernevik wrote: post #72

At first I and my best friend regarded each other as assholes, but we were forced together by a casual bridge game. One afternoon I arrived at his house to discover the game was off -- he'd been accused of date rape and he and his housemates were processing the news. He'd slept with a friend of his girlfriend and this story was her excuse to the girlfriend. I remember leaving the room, looking out a window and thinki…

Let's face it, many of us make soul-deadening choices and become much less interesting.

Wonder what could be done to break that vicious cycle

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#172

Post by Apocryphon »

nhashem wrote: post #80
rubashov wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Beyond the juvenile stage men can't bond through "play time". Men bond through shared struggle and purpose. You aren't going to make close lifetime male friends at some stupid beer centric sports league. http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Men-Jack-Donovan/dp/0985452307 I think it's an interesting distinction that this is not really true of women. Women can get close over various shared interests and activities.

Yeah, I read Fight Club too, dude. We could have a much deeper discussion on the evolution of society and how the gradual reduction of physical survival difficulty has eroded a lot of the male bonding development that used to exist. But a lot the OP was about difficulty making friends even when people had a lot of things in common, so I was sharing an anecdote on how a shared activity and commitment, even for a mostl…

I wonder how he'd respond to a non-aggressive, benevolent shared purpose and struggle. How about a mainstream charitable organization that makes soaps out of bombs?

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#173

Post by praxulus »

michaelochurch wrote: post #107

Social life after college is broken. This isn't a complaint. I'm OK with things as they are, but probably because I'm pretty introverted and also because, after years of getting used to cynical networking being the norm, I'm as much a part of the problem as anyone else. We have too much income and social stratification in this country. It's starting to become unreasonable and lead to unexpected adults, including the…

I believe organized religion used to sustain social lives for adults, and still does in many parts of the country. Tight-knit communities have been disrupted by economic development and urbanization, but even in a big city you can get to know the people in your congregation very well.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#174

Post by zerostar07 »

larrys wrote: post #111
tsotha wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a possibility too. I was thinking it would be more difficult, since he might have run into the whole new rich/old rich thing. He would have been perfectly happy living in a suburban tract home, and that's the type of person he grew up with, so I was thinking that would be the easiest. Besides, you have fewer choices if your pool of potential friends is rich people.

"you have fewer choices if your pool of potential friends is rich people" How many friends does someone need? I don't see any evidence that wealthy people or upper middle class have any problems friend wise. Not only that but nothing prevents them from mingling with anyone even a lower "status" if you want to call it that.

How many friends does someone need?

About 150: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbars_number

But they don't all have to be real friends. The interesting thing about Dunbar's number is that it also suggests that people strive to make these 150 relationships even when there are not enough people around (i.e. that's why some people care for celebrities and forge online relationships when real life friends are not enough)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#175

Post by cpeterso »

justinhj wrote: post #154

I'm very surprised the article doesn't mention marriage as big difficulty in making new friendships. I find it easy to find people with the same interests as me that I get along with, but they also have to have partner that's compatible with you and your partner. Of course YMMV.

You must not have read page 2 which directly addresses couples.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#176

Post by zerostar07 »

fecklessyouth wrote: post #108

CHURCH, CHURCH, CHURCH. There's none of the financial worries, pecking orders, or time constraints of workplace friendships, plus more of the freedom. You do it, supposedly, once a week, or more. There's no pressure to make small talk because you're there for another purpose as well, so if you get uncomfortable, you can just leave. As you get more involved, you start joining committees, planning events, coaching team…

Unfortunately we need to replace church with something that people can do together for the point of being together.Church may still have a role in the US, but over here in Europe it's hardly an option anymore.

Could there be a startup opportunity in this space?

Relevant: http://www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_atheism_2_0.html

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#177

Post by snowwrestler »

mattmanser wrote: post #132
fecklessyouth wrote: post #108

CHURCH, CHURCH, CHURCH. There's none of the financial worries, pecking orders, or time constraints of workplace friendships, plus more of the freedom. You do it, supposedly, once a week, or more. There's no pressure to make small talk because you're there for another purpose as well, so if you get uncomfortable, you can just leave. As you get more involved, you start joining committees, planning events, coaching team…

From the US by any chance? Of the few hundred people I've met past casual acquaintance here in the UK, only a couple have ever talked about going to church as if it were normal. Even as a fairly passive atheist these days, I wouldn't be able to go, it'd just be very disingenuous play acting. In the spirit of the comment I agree that something needs to replace church in secular societies. In fact, I think this is the…

There are certain activities that seem to fill the "church gap" for people. The two that I know of are surfing and whitewater kayaking.

When you're on the water you are not worrying about finances or work or the rat race. Everyone is there to surf or paddle so there is little social pressure. You have freedom to go where you want, when you want, but you still find yourself constantly running into people you recognize or know. And if you want to "get involved" there are all sorts of events, committees, volunteer opportunities, schools, etc.

On top of all that surfing and kayaking have the ability to create spiritual experiences. Catching a great wave, or having a great run in a rapid, can create a sense of peace and bliss. The environment around you instills awe. Those sorts of shared experiences help bring people together and create friendships.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#178

Post by freshfunk »

kafkaesque wrote: post #44

This rings very true. In fact, I turned 29 eleven months ago and I moved here (to another country, albeit culturally similar) eight months ago. I have zero friends. My coworkers are vastly different from me. I work with two people the most; one is a younger guy who goes clubbing and is interested in getting laid, and the other is a 40-something woman who is most likely menopausal and hates everything in her life. I'm…

I grew up in la. My best advice for someone like you is to move to San Francisco. You'll be much happier here.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#179

Post by eshvk »

pkghost wrote: post #160
callmeed wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've honestly never heard of this pastime. Is this a non-US or east coast thing? Can you elaborate on what goes on?

AFAIK, it's bigger in the UK and Australia than the US. I'm from Portland, currently live in SF, and know of a handful of bars in both cities (also Davis, CA) that do trivia, but not as many as in Sydney, where I studied abroad.

Yep. I found most of my non-tech friends from Pub trivia when I moved to SF a few months back. Kind of refreshing to meet people who by the virtue of the fact are not in tech have different aspirations, perspectives on life.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#180

Post by philwelch »

jleader wrote: post #161
philwelch wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the main problem is that we live in an increasingly secular society, but nothing has actually replaced church. And the people who are still at church, at least at many churches, are right-wing nutjobs.

Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church? Definitely not right-wing. I've also read about left-wing Catholics and Baptists (two cases where the main organization is generally seen as right-wing, but there are significant left-wing groups within them). I'm not a church-goer myself, so I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with.

> Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church?

No, and statistically, neither have practically any church-going Americans. Yes, I was talking about a generalization, I know there are liberal churches.

> I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with.

For me personally, I don't think it's possible. I'm an atheist, and any church that's liberal enough to allow atheism frankly doesn't have enough verve to really hold my interest as a church, you know?

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