The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult • Hacker News Board

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#161

Post by jleader » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:26 AM UTC

philwelch wrote: post #119

fecklessyouth wrote: post #108

CHURCH, CHURCH, CHURCH. There's none of the financial worries, pecking orders, or time constraints of workplace friendships, plus more of the freedom. You do it, supposedly, once a week, or more. There's no pressure to make small talk because you're there for another purpose as well, so if you get uncomfortable, you can just leave. As you get more involved, you start joining committees, planning events, coaching team…

I think the main problem is that we live in an increasingly secular society, but nothing has actually replaced church. And the people who are still at church, at least at many churches, are right-wing nutjobs.

Have you been to a Unitarian Universalist church? Definitely not right-wing.

I've also read about left-wing Catholics and Baptists (two cases where the main organization is generally seen as right-wing, but there are significant left-wing groups within them). I'm not a church-goer myself, so I don't have any suggestions on how to find a church you're comfortable with.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#162

Post by philiphodgen » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:34 AM UTC

kafkaesque wrote: post #67

vellum wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So, I see you're enjoying LA... >The air is so bad here I had chest pain yesterday after >running. I still do it. Pro-tip: Don't run in the streets. Try the trails in Runyon Canyon, Lake Hollywood, Griffith Park, Dockweiler Beach or the Strand in Venice.

Thank you. This is a great tip. I am training for my first half marathon and I've been running really early in the morning before work or after (around 6pm), but sometimes it gets too hot or I can't make those times and end up running around 11am on weekends. Yesterday was the worst I ever felt. Do you know how accurate areavibes.com is? I'm trying to move to a city with cleaner air within the incorporated or unincor…

And a very specific suggestion. Pasadena. One loop around the Rose Bowl is 5k. I run it every night. Don't break the chain. I also do the trails of the San Gabriels.

Come do some 5k loops with me.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#163

Post by sliverstorm » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:36 AM UTC

larrys wrote: post #109

tsotha wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. There's a big difference between a person's intrinsic properties and his money. You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money. And when you're around someone for his money you're playing a part. It's a job. You're not going to tell him what you reall…

"You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money." Oh? So you think that there aren't a large number of rich people that are interesting and have achieved something which is the reason they are rich? And it would be great to spend some time with them? Steve Jobs was rich and had power and fame. So the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame? Or Larry Ellis…

the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame?

You completely miss the point- it isn't that nobody could like Steve as a person. It's that, how can Steve tell who likes Steve and who just likes Steve's money?

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#164

Post by bherms » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:45 AM UTC

pkghost wrote: post #160

callmeed wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've honestly never heard of this pastime. Is this a non-US or east coast thing? Can you elaborate on what goes on?

AFAIK, it's bigger in the UK and Australia than the US. I'm from Portland, currently live in SF, and know of a handful of bars in both cities (also Davis, CA) that do trivia, but not as many as in Sydney, where I studied abroad.

I live in SF as well and have noticed bar trivia picking up a bit. I think it's starting to catch on as companies spring up to provide trivia nights (there's one I just read about called geeks with drinks or something)... And just a small plug, my friends gf hosts one Wednesday nights at Zekis in Nob Hill around 8 if you're interested.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#165

Post by jordo37 » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:48 AM UTC

nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

Completely agreed with this. My best friends from High School and college were those I was doing something with, not just hanging out. I'm still friends with those folks and have tried repeatedly over the years to capture that feeling and turn it into an application that would solve this problem for folks, especially in new towns. The problem seems to be that doing something meaningful but still organic is very hard to replicate. Good on you and your teammates with the softball team.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#166

Post by smokeyj » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:55 AM UTC

rweba wrote: post #62

As the article says, it is not hard to MEET people - I meet plenty of people mostly through work and a few through book clubs, running clubs, bike clubs or just at the coffee shop. And a lot of them are actually legitimately cool people that I would have become friends with if I met in college or grad school. The challenge is converting those people into FRIENDS. Basically you have to hang out together a ton in order…

It won't be long until gaming is mainstream for adults. It makes striking up a conversation pretty casual. "Dude, you gotta help me kill these zombies. And let's talk about those Q3 results..".

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#167

Post by jroseattle » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 5:55 AM UTC

The article is spot-on, but I'd boil it down another way: relationships are investments. Investments in time, emotional availability, mental state, etc. And financial, depending on the circle you run in.

When we're young, we have things like time and emotional state and such available in quantity, so we can form those relationships. As we get older, those things start to dwindle in supply. As such, our mental ROI for relationships formed later in life needs to be higher in order for us to make that investment.

I'm much more interested in quality relationships now than I was in my younger days. Quantity is easy to come by, but the really great ones are just harder to come by nowadays.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#168

Post by corin_ » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 6:14 AM UTC

tptacek wrote: post #148

cmelbye wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

According to this unscientific poll, the vast majority of HN readers that answered the poll are non-religious/atheist/agnostic: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1486594

Absolutely unsurprising, but obviously "atheist" doesn't equate automatically to "antireligious".

And to add to that, it's possible to be "antireligious" without being rude to people who are religious, without feeling the need to bring it up every time you find out someone is religious and without it meaning you can't be friends with someone who is religious.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#169

Post by jlgreco » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 6:16 AM UTC

prawn wrote: post #110

pnathan wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But as you grow older, you also lose a lot of that casualness that you had before: you don't just invite them over after work to play video games. Now that you're a "grown-up", it's "a dinner". And since you're a grown-up, your home has better be somewhat clean, and you can't just serve pizza. What was a spontaneous interaction before is now a whole event that needs planning, some cleaning, some cooking, etc. (unti…

Aren't quiet pubs/bars for that? Or say you've had a busy week but how about takeaway and some trashy TV in the background? Been meaning to try some local restaurant, you guys want to see if it's any good?

I find the value of a good pub is vastly underestimated these days. I suspect a combination of American college drinking culture and abstinence style drinking education in public schools ("you can have more fun without drinking!") are to blame.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#170

Post by jlgreco » Mon, Jul 16, 2012, 6:33 AM UTC

philwelch wrote: post #75

alexqgb wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That may be less a West Coast / East Coast thing and more a California thing in particular. I say that because my family hosted a couple of exchange students from France who were really struck by the veneer of friendliness here, and the very real distance that people maintained beneath it. Later, when I went to France, I found that there was an initial aloofness that I mistook for vague dislike. But after a while, th…

It's not just a California thing. We have the exact same thing here--we call it the "Seattle freeze".

Apologies, accidentally down voted you on my phone..

Anyway, having grown up on the east coast then spending time both in Seattle and back east off and on, I can vouch for the Seattle freeze being rather real.

And to a certain extent I actually find myself liking it. Moving around too much makes forming deeper relationships risky, they end up being more baggage. I see the freeze as a sort of defensive mechanism against that.