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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#91

Post by jessedhillon »

rubashov wrote: post #82
nhashem wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I read Fight Club too, dude. We could have a much deeper discussion on the evolution of society and how the gradual reduction of physical survival difficulty has eroded a lot of the male bonding development that used to exist. But a lot the OP was about difficulty making friends even when people had a lot of things in common, so I was sharing an anecdote on how a shared activity and commitment, even for a mostl…

Yeah, I wasn't contradicting you, dude. Maybe you'd make more friends if you chilled out.

How are you not contradicting him? He said he made some great friends through casual sports, and you're saying that lifelong friendship cannot happen through casual sports. You are directly disagreeing with him about how deep his friendships are.

Based on nothing more than armchair psychology!

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#92

Post by larrys »

csomar wrote: post #85
larrys wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby" Why not just live among people and make friends with people in the same income bracket or assets or higher?

That's what he said, you simply didn't read to the end so he could meet people on an equal footing.

"you simply didn't read to the end"

I did.

He said:

"The right thing to do probably would have been to move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby so he could meet people on an equal footing."

The fact that the above sentence says "live simply" and "take up a hobby" seems to contradict the notion that he should try to take up with people who are equal in wealth which was the issue being discussed.

I said

"live among people"

which is not the same as

"move far away"

and

"live simply"

is not the same as

"make friends with people in the same income bracket or assets or higher"

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#93

Post by nostrademons »

larrys wrote: post #66
tsotha wrote: post #39

I knew a guy who made a boatload of money off of the dotcom bubble. He kept doubling down and doubling down, then at right about the peak he told himself "I have as much money as I'll ever need if I cash out now. There's no reason to take any more risks." In other words, he timed it perfectly (based on his own situation - he wasn't genius and he would freely admit that) So here he was, a multimillionaire who'd spent…

"So there were always people around. There were always women willing to sleep with him. But they were there for the money and he couldn't delude himself into thinking otherwise." For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. Generally when people want to be around someone it's because they give them som…

Uh....many people don't think like that.

For most of the people I know, they aren't looking for anything besides connection to other people. They're complete & whole people on their own, they don't need anything else. They don't hang around their friends because they're looking for a halo of success. They don't do it for prestige or looks or humor. They just do it because they like company.

It's really a difference in worldview. For some people, things come first in their life, and they surround themselves with people who will help them achieve those things, or ones who have already achieved them so they can bask in their glow. For others, people come first in their life, and they surround themselves with things that will help them relate to the people they care about.

I've been on both sides of the fence, and I can tell you, I have felt miserable every time I tried convincing myself that success was all that mattered. I'm trying to find my way back to a place now where the people matter more than the accolades - it's not all that easy, because it really is a worldview, and once you've optimized your life for success, it's pretty hard to un-optimize it and build relationships. But I can tell you that my friends don't care if you're a hot-shot developer for Google or a yoga instructor or a public-policy consultant or an urban planner. People are people, they're complex, and they're a lot more than a laundry list of characteristics you might like to have.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#94

Post by losethos »

I've known Pete since 1990. We went to lunch together most days for 5 years.

These days, everybody is a enemy in cahoots with the shrinks/CIA, even my parents.

I don't like to interact with people -- like getting stabbed all the time.

Kill'em all God!!

God says...nevertheless embittered leaveth displace taughtest students rocks Press garment skills Vegas slaves severe laxly lieth Amen believed Cross Dudly_Doright Philippians 1971 dispersed impure subjoined outrages wait Archive severe Form fleeing contradicting stablished darkness Indiana not_in_kansas_anymore book hate disorder licence informed workings loud beings emptinesses allegorically telling relapseth pernicious affecting gleams waterest sweat promising imitated page sentiment alterations fathers Texas uncertainty thought Croatia intend -Thou one_small_step sun-rising

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#95

Post by rwhitman »

tchock23 wrote: post #59

I wonder how much of the challenge of making friends as an adult varies by the city you live in... I moved to NYC last year from Rochester, NY and have found that people in NYC are so "busy" all the time that it's much more difficult to make new friends (the recent NY Times article on HN called "The Busy Trap" summed that up perfectly). People in NYC also seem to treat new connections from the perspective of "what ca…

I completely agree. A lot of this is part of living in NYC as opposed to somewhere else. I lived in LA for 7 years and did not experience the same aversion to making new good friends there. I think there are some missing components to this regarding location and local culture that the author didn't seem to be aware of

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#96

Post by spiredigital »

My wife and I were recently joking the other day starting a match-making service for couples. But instead of matching single guys with single girls, you'd be matched via the interests and personality of your counterpart in another couple! Finding couples were everyone is a good fit is much harder than finding compatible 1-on-1 relationships, like the article mentions.

I think the outcome of such a service would be great when successful, but I don't think many people would feel comfortable with the process. I know I wouldn't...

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#97

Post by theDaveB »

I lived in the US for nearly two years and didn't make one friend. I had work buddies but never seen them out of work.

People in the UK always ask me why I came back to the UK but it's hard to explain to them how hard it is in another country with nothing to do every evening as you have no friends.

Dave

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#98

Post by vipervpn »

kafkaesque wrote: post #44

This rings very true. In fact, I turned 29 eleven months ago and I moved here (to another country, albeit culturally similar) eight months ago. I have zero friends. My coworkers are vastly different from me. I work with two people the most; one is a younger guy who goes clubbing and is interested in getting laid, and the other is a 40-something woman who is most likely menopausal and hates everything in her life. I'm…

I despise cars too (which definitely makes me an oddball since I'm Canadian and live in a mid-sized city), so I sympathize with you. North America is obsessed with cars, and has caused a lot of pollution and havoc on the landscape.

But I digress. I just wanted to let you know there are others that feel the same way.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#99

Post by ralfd »

chernevik wrote: post #72

At first I and my best friend regarded each other as assholes, but we were forced together by a casual bridge game. One afternoon I arrived at his house to discover the game was off -- he'd been accused of date rape and he and his housemates were processing the news. He'd slept with a friend of his girlfriend and this story was her excuse to the girlfriend. I remember leaving the room, looking out a window and thinki…

Uh. This nice story got unexpectedly dark. Sorry for your loss, bro.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#100

Post by tsotha »

larrys wrote: post #68
tsotha wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He didn't realize it would be a problem in the beginning. After that I think he was just afraid to move away from the people he knew. I've thought a lot about what I would do in that position, and came to the same conclusion you did. The right thing to do probably would have been to move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby so he could meet people on an equal footing. Of course, it's easy to decide how other pe…

"move far away, live simply, and take up a hobby" Why not just live among people and make friends with people in the same income bracket or assets or higher?

That's a possibility too. I was thinking it would be more difficult, since he might have run into the whole new rich/old rich thing. He would have been perfectly happy living in a suburban tract home, and that's the type of person he grew up with, so I was thinking that would be the easiest.

Besides, you have fewer choices if your pool of potential friends is rich people.

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