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Always go to the funeral (2005)
181–190 of 322 posts
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#182> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).
Sounds within the right range to me. By that time I think I'd have been to five that I remember (a great-grandparent, a grandparent, an uncle, a great aunt, a school friend who was skittled on his morning paper-round). There may have been others that I was too young at the time to remember now.
For me, funerals and similar services are more for family and close (or at least close-ish) friends. My social cluster might number 150, but there are many in it for whom I'll pass on my regards & regrets from afar rather than attending a funeral or wake.
Are you attending 2 funerals every year, even averaged over a couple of decades to allow for clustering? I can think of one year when there were three, but that nowhere near makes up for the years when there were none or just one.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#183> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).
Generally the number of your friends who have funerals is heavily biased towards the end of your life. America's average lifespan is 77. When you're 16, your parents are perhaps 46, and their parents are maybe 76. And a lot of people live for 10+ years after retirement, so your teachers might all be alive too. If you've got a big extended family, or you're part of an organisation like a church where 16 year olds come…
Your grandparents also have siblings, and your parents would drag you to those funerals. You should also have people of many different ages in your social group and some of them will die of old age (and once in a while someone young).
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#184Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say.
My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went.
Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went.
[1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#185I'm surprised in all this discussion not to see the distinction between a wake and a funeral. The advice I've heard is, go to a wake to support those who are grieving, go to a funeral to grieve yourself. (For this reason, the wake is held at more "convenient" hours.) Do others make this distinction? Is the practice of holding a separate wake a regional/cultural thing?
I think the wake is more of a Catholic thing perhaps?
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#186I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.
We must have gone to the same funeral and had the same friend. I regret not speaking up either to share a story I think about often which highlighted my friends better qualities. Maybe I'll make a post about him after thinking about it for a few more years.
You might want to call up his parents or siblings and tell them the story. I had a friend die young and whenever I remembered a story about him, I would make a note and call his dad next time the guy’s birthday came around. Actually I forgot his birthday so I just did his birth month but it really seemed to encourage his dad.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#187I'm surprised in all this discussion not to see the distinction between a wake and a funeral. The advice I've heard is, go to a wake to support those who are grieving, go to a funeral to grieve yourself. (For this reason, the wake is held at more "convenient" hours.) Do others make this distinction? Is the practice of holding a separate wake a regional/cultural thing?
[deleted]
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#188Earlier quoted context omitted.
> You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral. You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation In 2024 it would be quite better if we did more things out of societal obligation, instead of each individual placing themselves (and their whims) as the moral authority.
A world where people only do what they want or feel like doing is indeed a pretty depressing world, I know because that's exactly the world I am living in. The world I grew up on was very different, and I absolutely miss it - Christmas parties, lots of birthday parties, church events, school events, local neighbourhood events... you name it, there were lots of things to do and go to and you were expected to. I think…
These things still exist, but they sometimes take time to discover and even longer to gain a sense of belonging. I like to call them "tribes" but really it's just a community. Sometimes the intersection of your { interests + location } may not have a vibrant community which happens to contain members who readily welcome new people, and so it requires a bit more effort.
Some examples of communities I've been a part of over the years:
- Family
- Church groups
- Bar buddies (overlapping with the previous category :))
- Biker community
- Startup community
- Technology groups
- Queer communities
- Neighbor groups
It was a lot harder to get into groups when I used to be introverted, I distinctly remember how afraid I was. My startup was the thing that forced me way out of my comfort zone and led me to learn how to overcome my fears of joining groups full of unknown people. The "ah-ha" moment was when I realized many others had the same fears and insecurities as I did, and yet that's ok.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#189I'm surprised in all this discussion not to see the distinction between a wake and a funeral. The advice I've heard is, go to a wake to support those who are grieving, go to a funeral to grieve yourself. (For this reason, the wake is held at more "convenient" hours.) Do others make this distinction? Is the practice of holding a separate wake a regional/cultural thing?
I think the naming varies. In the UK for example, the funeral typically indicates a religious thing and the wake is the reception thing you go from the funeral to .It's usually in a pub. There's usually bad food. You have a drink. You have a good conversation with all the people you haven't seen for ages. You remember your friend/family member/colleague whatever who is dead.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#190Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
One of my best memories of college: I was going to a tech school that was just down the street from the nursing home my grandpa was at. Most family were busy so my mom pressured me to go spend time with him. Initially I thought it would suck but after a few times, both the nursing staff and a few patients near my grandpa knew me, it was like getting a minor, second home right next to school. I would go to my classes, get my homework, then drive a few minutes down the road and spend hours there doing the homework, playing games, what have you.
I got so much time with him just before he passed. It was truly a blessing, even though he was already a huge part of my childhood, to get one last hurrah before I entered adulthood and he... well, took the next step.
I'm not a religious person, I don't honestly think there's an afterlife, and on this point my parents disagree. Maybe they would've made more time to visit him if they weren't sure he was going to a better place and they'd see him again.