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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#21

Post by unholyguy001 »

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral

You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation

The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things.

There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead person was a horrible person. When people asked, I said exactly that and many times the response I got was “man I wish I had not gone”

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#22

Post by speg »

khoo wrote: post #14
aantix wrote: post #11

There's been a lot more reflective, humanity stories on HN. Or maybe I'm just noticing more. I've been on HN since 2007. There was that story a few weeks ago with the aging parents and their daughter that took a picture of them waving goodbye, each year she visited. I like these stories. It gives me pause and to wonder what it's all been for. Probably for my kids. My second oldest (9) loves creating levels in Geometr…

I feel like the major life events always put our life span into a perspective that otherwise might be missed or overlooked. It makes life feel shorter than it is. Btw, which post are you referring to? I am curious to read it as well.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42113113

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#23

Post by zamadatix »

lupire wrote: post #19
o11c wrote: post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

Some of us had our family dispatched in bulk, but thanks.

E.g. the article is about their 5th grade math teacher.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#24

Post by kayo_20211030 »

Always go to the funeral!

It's not for you, and it's not for other people. It's just a thing. It's not an analogy about doing the right thing. It's just going to the funeral. That's what you should do, for lots of reasons. When you do it, you'll know why; maybe later, but you'll know.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#25

Post by bloodyplonker22 »

santoshalper wrote: post #5

Do the right thing even when you really don't want to is a valuable lesson, but I'm not sure I believe that the right thing to do is attend funerals for people who you were not actually close to. It feels extremely insincere.

I've attended the funerals of my enemies just to pay my respects for the rivalry that we had.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#26

Post by steveBK123 »

It’s also a matter of regret minimization.

9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to.

I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to.

Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#27

Post by dylan604 »

elzbardico wrote: post #9
dylan604 wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

sometimes, not going to the funeral is the message to be said and saying it to them "now" is considered rude. clearly, the message of not attending is being said to others not to the person, but you get the gist

The person died, what message can you want to send to a dead person. He/She is dead. He can't hear it. But you can forgive and believe me, feel better about whatever happened that made you want to send a message that would never be received.

> what message can you want to send to a dead person

you ask me that after I said "clearly, the message of not attending is being said to others not to the person, but you get the gist"

so clearly, you didn't get the gist. not attending says something to the other friends/family that did attend. the knee jerk reaction is "what an asshole to not attend" typically followed by "I wonder what happened that would make them not attend". then the gossiping begins and the person sending the message smiles a wry smile

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#28

Post by jfengel »

o11c wrote: post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

I don't know if I'd go to the funerals of all 150 people in my set. Most of them are acquaintances rather than friends or family.

I go to much fewer than 2 funerals per year. But now that I'm 55 it will likely start picking up.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#29

Post by jfengel »

lambdaphagy wrote: post #15

Sound advice. Conversely: always have a funeral. I know several people who expressed a wish not to have a funeral. Sometimes this wish stems from a desire not to be an inconvenience, or a sense of guilt or shame that one's life was not well-lived. Sometimes, simply the view that funerals don't matter, so why bother. In every case, I think this desire is mistaken. The need to mourn the dead is an instinct older than o…

A memorial service is a very good thing to do, for those left behind.

The body does not need to be present for a memorial, as it is for a funeral. That makes it a somewhat easier event to arrange.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#30

Post by elzbardico »

dylan604 wrote: post #27
elzbardico wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The person died, what message can you want to send to a dead person. He/She is dead. He can't hear it. But you can forgive and believe me, feel better about whatever happened that made you want to send a message that would never be received.

> what message can you want to send to a dead person you ask me that after I said "clearly, the message of not attending is being said to others not to the person, but you get the gist" so clearly, you didn't get the gist. not attending says something to the other friends/family that did attend. the knee jerk reaction is "what an asshole to not attend" typically followed by "I wonder what happened that would make the…

Yeah, I got that. It is just that I think it is now pointless. Like, he/she is dead.
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